“Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.”
~ Anonymous
Won’t You Take Me To… KINKYTOWN?
(A Series on Kinky Sex by Lucy Rockwell)
Episode 2, part B: Setting the Ground Rules for a Fun, Safe, Kinky Sex Life
Ideas for Rules About BDSM
BDSM is an acronym for several things: bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism. I’m not going to get too deep into the details of what all these sexual acts entail, but chances are that if you’re kinky, you’re somehow involved in at least a little bit of BDSM.
Rules for BDSM are particularly important because BDSM can be painful, and can even border on the dangerous. If you’re new to BDSM, staarrrttt sssllllooowww. You’ve got all the time in the world to get all crazy kinky up in there. Don’t rush into anything new; discuss it with your partner, and make a game plan. All along the way, stick to the sex rules you make together. The rules can change as the game changes, just be sure to check in with each other about changes often (preferably outside of a sexual situation, wherein y’all’s judgement is not impaired by lust).
Consider the following for BDSM rules:
-What will our safe word be? Safe words are necessary for any BDSM play (see my last post about safe words)
-What kind of bondage gear will we use?
-What if the rope/cuffs are too tight? (Hint: COMMUNICATE. I once had my hand go numb for 3 days cause I didn’t tell someone about a too tight rope. Dumb.)
-How can I physically get out of a bondage situation if needed? (scissors nearby are helpful)
-How much pain is too much?
-What if my feelings are hurt, even though I know we’re playing pretend?
Remember, these are just some general guidelines for the sorts of things you and your partner should discuss for a safe and happy kinky sex life. You may not need to consider all the things I mentioned, or you may need to be much more specific and detailed. It’s really all about your own relationships, and what makes you feel good.
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Next time on Kinkytown…
Ideas for Rules About Multiple Partners
xoxo,
Lucy
Won’t You Take Me To… KINKYTOWN?
(A Series on Kinky Sex by Lucy Rockwell)
Episode 2: Setting the Ground Rules for a Fun, Safe, Kinky Sex Life
Let’s assume that you, the reader, have accepted that you are, to some degree, kinky. If you’re not quite sure what that means, that’s OK! (I wrote about the definition of kink here). Perhaps you just know that you’re ready to venture out of the norm, to add some sprinkles onto your vanilla. In short, it’s time to ACT.
Whether you are with a regular, long-term partner, or you’re meeting up with strangers at rest stops, or anywhere inbetween, it is imperative to set ground rules for your kinky sex life. First, some rules about rules:
The Universal Rules About Rules About Sex:
- Rules must be decided upon before sex is engaged in.
- Rules must be agreed upon by all parties involved in the sexy-time.
- If a rule is broken, sex play stops immediately, and a discussion begins.
- Rules can be changed, but not in the heat of the moment.
If you and your partner are not willing to abide by the above universal rules, it will not be possible to have a truly safe and healthy kinky relationship and lifestyle. Rules are there to protect you and your partner(s), and to make sure that there are possibilities for growth and development of your relationship. And mostly so that you’re all having super fun times, without worry!
Now that you’ve agreed to the Universal Rules, you and your partner get to make your own! I don’t know exactly what you’re into, so I can’t give you everything, but I sure can give you some ideas…
Ideas for Rules About Communication:
If you know anything about me, you know that I’m constantly harping on my sex-loving fans to communicate more. Almost every difficult sexual situation can be improved upon if folks just talk to each other! So, when you and your lovah (here on referred to as “WE”) enter Kinkytown, set up some guidelines about good old communicash.
-Decide whether or not we will discuss sexy stuff with each other on the internet, phone, text, IM, etc. Can other people see this stuff? What about photos?
-Can we talk about our sex lives with other people? Friends? Coworkers?
-Can we have dirty/sexy talk with other people? Friends, fuck-buddies, strangers?
In the bedroom…
-When and how can I tell you what sexual things I like?
-How should I respond when you tell me what you like?
-Is every night kinky night? Should we mix it up?
Safe words…
-What is our safe word? (You will use this word during sexy time whenever one partner wants to stop whatever is going on. Don’t choose a word like “no” or “stop,” because those words might be fun to role play with!)
-When a safe word is used, what happens? (I highly suggest STOPPING all activoty immediately, and discussing what happened. What was too much/ too weird/ too painful? Do not resume play until you’ve hashed it out comfortably.)
-What if I can’t talk because I have a gag in my mouth? (I suggest having at least one had free to ring a bell, or some sort of noisemaker, that you’ve placed accessibly nearby.)
In public…
-How physical should we get in public?
-What if I’m not into what you’re doing in public?
-What if I want to pull you into some dark corner and have my way with you?
-Can we invent some secretive signals/ code words to communicate secretly about kinky stuff with each other while we’re in public? (Ooh! Fun!)
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Tomorrow: Kinkytown continues with…
Ideas for Rules About BDSM
xoxo,
Lucy
~Anonymous
Won’t You Take Me To… KINKYTOWN?!
(A New Series on Kinky Sex by Lucy Rockwell)
Issue 1: What Is Kink?
I get questions from readers about kinky sex all the time: Should I like kinky sex? How much kink is too much? How do I tell my partner about my kinks? What the hell IS kink, anyhow?
As an experienced kinkstress myself, I thought I’d do a little series, answering questions and sharing my thoughts. I already have a few good ideas lined up, but if y’all think of anything you’re dying to know about kink in any of its variations, send it along. I’m thinking I’ll focus on kink for at least a few weeks.
Rather than jump right in to answering specific questions, I’m going to kick off the series with an informative introduction to kink. In my words. This is not to say that everything I write here is one hundered percent true and accurate; it is based on my very own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Maybe yours are quite different, and that’s perfectly OK! But if you want to learn about kink from Lucy Rockwell’s perspective, read on…
Kinky sex can be defined as any sort of unconventional sex. That is, anything sexual that is not “normal.” Does that tell us anything? Not really. So let’s back up and define conventional sex first.
Normal sex is a cultural standard that varies depending on where and when you are living. In the current Western world in which I live, normal/conventional sex usually means penis/vagina intercourse in the missionary position (man on top). Kissing and cuddling are a part of conventional sex, but that’s about as far as it goes. Not much in the way of changing up positions, and certainly no kink or fetishism. Conventional sex is often described by the term “vanilla.” Much like its namesake, vanilla ice cream, vanilla sex is bland, plain, and nearly flavorless. But, OH, can it be improved with chocolate sauce, let me tell you!
You may be thinking to yourself, “Wait, I totally do different positions with my partner! And sometimes s/he slaps my butt a little bit! And there was that time with the whipped cream!” Well, my dear, you just might be a little bit kinky. Congratulations.
Kink is: what vanilla is not.
Kink is: slapping, biting, choking, roleplay, BDSM, fetishes, tying up, blindfolds.
Kink is: a little pain, the good kind.
Kink is: pretending you are different people, or have different roles than you do in real life.
Kink is: bringing another person into your sex life. Or just pretending to.
Kink is: wearing fun and sexy costumes.
Kink is: getting punished for being bad, and being bad on purpose in order to get punished.
Kink is: watching porn together.
Kink is: getting love juices all over the place.
Kink is: talking dirty in person. On the phone. Online.
That list could go on forever. My point is that pretty much anything sexual can be thought of as kinky. There’s a little kink in all of us, just begging to be set free. And when you do, sex just gets better.
xoxo,
Lucy
P.S. Issue 2 of KINKYTOWN: Setting the Ground Rules for a Fun, Safe, Kinky Sex Life
p.p.s. Get that hot blindfold here.
Blowjobs: Revisited
Dear Lucy, This guy and I have had a thing for a while now and have been hanging out quite a bit lately. While things have been going great, he recently asked me to go down on him.. The thing is it will be my first time going down on anyone and I’m kind of nervous about what to do and not equaling up to his expectations. Do you have any tips that could help me?? I’d really appreciate it! :)
Oh, boy, do I have blowjob tips or what?
In fact, my dear, I have a whole ginormous post about giving fantastic head, entitled LUCY’S GUIDE TO AWESOME BLOWJOBS.
Check it out for such highlights as…
-Is biting good?
-To spit or to swallow?
-All aboard the fast train to orgasm town!
-Commitment: it’s not just for relationships.
-Why I spell it “come.”
…and so much more!
I’d love to know what you all think, and get some more feedback on favorite BJ techniques. So read the guide, then tell me:
How do you like to give or get head?
Gettin’ Wise About Condom Size
Hello Lucy,
I have been having sex with my boyfriend for a while now, and we have been using birth control and condoms, playing it safe. Anyway, the other day we were doing it and he said that the condom was feeling tight and that the little reservoir tip didn’t exist cause he had slid all the way into it. Does this mean that we’re using the wrong size?
First of all, mad props to you and your dude for using birth control and condoms! I love when I hear about folks doubling up on the protection. With both birth control (I assume you mean the pill, or perhaps another hormonal method like the shot or the ring) AND condoms, you two are protecting yourselves and each other from the less pleasant after-effects of sex, like unplanned pregnancy, or STI transmission.
Side note: while doubling up on protection methods is great idea, that does NOT mean use two condoms! Never do that- the extra friction can cause the condoms to break and/or come off, defeating the whole purpose.
On to your question:
Yeah, it sounds like the condom may have been too tight. Just like the perfect pair of jeans, different brands and different style will fit and feel different once you’re wearing it.
Try out different style and brands of condoms, until you find something that feels good to your guy. You can also choose ribbed condoms, which feel good for you too (it works!). A too-tight condom will make it uncomfortable for him during sex, and neither of you want that.
For the larger man, I recommend Trojan Magnums (more raving about Trojans here). But don’t use rubbers that are too big either, or they can slip off during sex.
I’m glad you mention the reservoir tip on the condom, because this is something that a lot of condom-users don’t quite understand the importance of. The reservoir tip is a little nipple-shaped end on the condom. Its purpose is to collect the jizz after the guy ejaculates. If the semen doesn’t have a place to collect in the end of the condom, it could squeeze up the sides and out the opening at the top (bottom? depends on the position…), thus getting into/onto your vag. Which was what you were trying to avoid by using a condom in the first place.
If you’re using condoms with no reservoir tip (it should say so on the package), make sure to pinch the end between your fingers while you’re rolling the rubber onto the dick. This makes a little space in the end for the come to go.
Oh man, I have so much to say about condoms! Like this post on “Crying and Condoms.” And this other one on the porn industry.
xoxo, Lucy
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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~ Mitch Hedberg
Life. Love. Lust.
I'm Lucy. I live in Chicago and I like to talk about sex. Give me a topic: I'm happy to answer any questions about love, sex, and relationships. Email me at LucyRockwell@gmail.com Follow @LucyRockwell
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