Virgin Week: Strangers in the Night

Dear Lucy,

So I’m a virgin, but I hate the idea of it. I already met some random guy and I plan to lose my virginity to him. Is it weird that I’d rather lose my virginity to a complete stranger than someone I know or have dated?

No, I don’t think it’s weird. Sure, it’s not the typical story- most people I know of have/had sex for the first time with a friend or partner. You seem to also recognize that. But that doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily the “right” way to go. For some, losing your virginity is a huge, emotional event. Others (like you) just want to get the damn thing over with and get on with their lives without this big V hanging over their heads. And that is a perfectly OK attitude to have, as long as you’re honest with yourself, and proceed somewhat cautiously.

Really, it depends on who this “random guy” is. Is he someone you met at a house party, like an acquaintance of one of your friends? If so, make sure you have a friend who can vouch for this stranger’s non-creepitude. It’s always good to know that there’s somebody out there who can confirm this dude’s not a serial killer.

If Rando is some guy from a bar (Or bowling alley? The park? Not sure if you’re old enough to drink…), or a site like Craigslist, I would proceed with a good amount of caution. Go on a bona fide date first (not at either one of your houses), and get a feel of his vibe. If he’s trying to rush you back to a more private location before you’re ready, he might not be a good choice for your deflowerer. Also, tell a discreet friend what you’re doing and where you’re going, and set up a time to call him/her during the date, so your friend knows you’re safe.

No matter who your #1 Stranger is, the Grand Slam Guide’s rules still apply (see previous post). Discuss STIs with this guy before you go through with it, and be sure to use protection. Go as slow as you want, and it is totally OK to stop if you’re not feeling good about the whole thing.

And if any of your friends give you shit, tell them to suck your proverbial balls.

Xoxo, Lucy

29 July 5 Permalink

Alright, virgins of the world, you asked for it:

Lucy Rockwell’s Grand Slam Guide for Rookies

-Deflowerization 101-

Virginity is like your keys: you’re gonna lose it eventually. First off, let me say that I’m not of the belief this is an event that should be saved for your wedding night (surprise, surprise), because experience is what makes sex really good. You owe it to your future life partner to get the skills you need before you meet them. Or maybe you’ll end up with the first person you ever fucked, but at least then if you decide to get married you’ll know if you’re getting off properly.

There’s no definite timeline as to when is the appropriate time to lose your virginity. What is imperative is education and preparation. I tend to think that 15 or 16 is probably a good minimum age to start having sex, because sex involves a lot of things that may be too heavy to think about when you’re young. I’ve never met anyone younger than their mid-teens who was mature enough to deal with the possible consequences of a sex life.

1. CHAT WITH FOLKS

Before you have sex, you’re gonna want to talk to at least two people: a mentor, and a doctor. A mentor can be anyone you trust enough to talk to about the uncomfortable stuff. Maybe it’s your mom or dad, aunt or uncle, older sibling, older friend, school counselor. My mom was super cool and open about talking to me about sex when I was a teenager. For the more embarrassing stuff I turned to my older coworker at Starbucks (yes, I was a teenaged barista), who was super cool, and happened to do a lot of sex education work.

Sure, it’s also good to talk to your peers about sex, but rumors tend to fly between young people with less sex experience, and next thing you know you could be convinced that drinking Mountain Dew reduces sperm count. (It doesn’t, btw.) Find an older someone that you know and trust, who won’t freak, but will support you, when you tell them you’re thinking of having sex for the first time.

2. SEE A DOCTOR

Girls should go see a gyno. If you’re keeping your sex life secret from your parents (which I recognize may be necessary), look up a local Planned Parenthood or women’s clinic. It’s important to have a gynecological exam and talk to your doctor about the physical stuff. You should get started on the HPV shot series too, before you’re 26, because chances are you’ll be exposed to HPV at some point in your life.

And, breaking news! The HPV shot is now available for guys, too! Yay! It would definitely benefit dudes to get a physical before they embark on their sexual journeys as well. Plus, a real live doctor can answer some of those questions that I just don’t know the answer to, not having a dick and all that.

Back to the ladies… Discuss birth control options with your doctor. Many young girls choose to go on the pill, though I prefer the Nuvaring. If you’re not comfortable with the idea of hormones going into your body, you may choose to just use condoms with your boyfriend. And then there’s the IUD, which is becoming more popular among young women. You can also combine condom use with hormonal birth control, and/or spermicide for extra protection from accidental pregnancy.

Oh yeah, accidental pregnancy. Everyone should know that this is a possible result of a man and woman having sex, and if you think “no way is that gonna happen to me,” just look at poor Bristol and Levi. So be as responsible as you can regarding birth control, and both partners should discuss a possible birth control failure. If you’re still in high school or college, chances are that a baby is seriously going to cramp your style. You have options should your sperm and egg happen to meet, so talk about these options with your partner before you do the deed. Would you be willing to raise a child together? Have an abortion? Go through the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption?

I’m not saying you have to make a final decision before you even start banging, just know that there are very real possible consequences from sex. If these things are overwhelming to think about, or you don’t feel comfortable talking about it with your soon-to-be lover, perhaps you should consider waiting another year or two before you go past the point of no return.

3. GET TESTED

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are also a risk with many sorts of sexual contact (not just intercourse). If one or the other of you is not a virgin, that person should definitely get tested for the whole shebang before they go stealing someone else’s innocence. In fact, it is totally possible to acquire some common STIs before you’ve had any sexual contact, so talk about that stuff with your doc too.

4. RELAX

So let’s say you’re a super mature, thoughtful young person, and you’ve done all the prep work. You’re ready to get in bed with your #1 crush and just do it! And yet, you’re super nervous. Of course you’re nervous! The concept of virginity is constantly all around us; it is discussed, revered, reviled, debated, displayed, written about. In short, virginity is built up to be a big fucking deal, and everyone wants their first time to live up to the hype.

Here’s the thing: sex takes practice. You can’t just walk up to a piano for the first time and plink out a symphony. Such is sex. The first time is most likely going to be confusing and awkward, and it may not even feel good. It’s nearly impossible to guarantee that you or your lover is not going to fuck something up. But you’ll do it again, and again, and probably with other people in the future. You’ll get to know what you like in bed, what feels good, and how to communicate and reciprocate with your bedmates. So, the very first time, don’t be too hard on yourself!

I’m gonna tell you to relax right now: Relax. And you’re going to think “how can I fucking relax, this is terrifying!” And I’m going to let you in on a secret: human bodies have to achieve a certain amount of relaxation to function sexually at all. The results of anxiety in the boudoir can have unsatisfying results for men and women. Guys may have difficulty achieving and/or maintaining an erection, or they could ejaculate prematurely. Freaked out gals may not get turned on enough for their vaginas to get all wet and ready for penile entry. And both sexes could certainly have trouble having anything close to an orgasm if they can’t chill out.

Chances are, the first time you fuck, it isn’t gonna feel that great for the girl. Unless she has experience with dildos or lots of fingering, her vag is going to be pretty tight. And then there’s the cherry popping part of things (which, as much as it sounds like a tasty breakfast treat, is not that fun). Women have a thin membrane deepish in their vagina called the “hymen” (aka “cherry”). Sometimes this skin is broken with a tampon or fingers or a childhood accident, and sometimes it’s still intact the first time a girl has sex. If the latter is the case, then when a penis enters her for the first time, it will push against her hymen and break it. There could be a little blood, but only the first time you do it (bring a towel). And, seriously, the pain will ease after a little while.

5. COMMUNICATE

So, when you’re finally between the sheets and the rubber has been rolled on, take a few deep breaths. Look into your lover’s eyes, and appreciate them and what you are going to do together. And then take it real slow. If anything feels terrible, slow down or stop, and take a few minutes to reposition your selves. And keep breathing.

The mechanics of thrusting could be really awkward the first time you go up to bat, but, again, relax and go slow. The guy may want to take the lead on this, or the girl may want to move around on his dick. Or you might want to both try moving against each other at the same time. Just keep communication open, and tell each other what’s feeling good or not-so-good. Look at your lover’s face occasionally, to see if he/she looks like he/she is doing alright.

If one of two of you is a virgin and the other is not, all these rules still apply. See doctors, get tested, have people to talk to, realize it may be awkward, and communicate. The experienced party should be mature enough to realize that their partner might be scared, and, at the same time, is probably anxious to please. Reassure your inexperienced partner often, telling them that they’re sexy and awesome, and they’re doing just great. Don’t talk about ex-lovers or other sexual experiences, unless asked directly about something. And be willing to slow down or stop if necessary.

WHAT IS SEX, ANYWAY?

And for everyone to ponder, sex can’t always be defined as peen/vag intercourse . Some couples may want to stick with oral, or even just heavy petting, for a good while. And that’s ok. Also, I realize that this guide has so far only discussed traditional penetration, so I wanted to say some things for the non-straight couples, too.

Dudes who are getting into anal sex for the first time can follow the 5 rules in this guide, as well. Like vaginal, anal penetration can be painful the first few times, especially if you have a difficult time relaxing (I will write a whole article about anal sex soon, I swear). Many gay couples choose not to have anal sex at all, due to personal tastes, and also the higher risk rate for STIs.

Girls who like girls have an ongoing debate as to how to define “sex.” Some say that lesbians who have never had a sexual experience involving a penis are still “virgins,” and others vehemently oppose this claim. I think that it’s really up to the couple to decide what sex is to them- maybe cunnilingus, or penetration with toys, or whatevs.

Gay boys and gals have one less worry in regards to their sexual awakenings- pregnancy is not a factor. Health concerns and safety still apply to every sexually active being, however. So I still think you should go to the doctor and get tested, and use protection.

THE AFTERMATH

The morning after I lost my virginity, asked my boyfriend if he was excited. He said he didn’t feel any different; it was just another day. I couldn’t believe it- I felt totally new and changed! I’d been thinking about sex for so long, and then we’d finally done it! But Jeff, though he enjoyed it, said the only thing that was different for him was the way he’d now be perceived by others.

Looking back, I think that both reactions were totally normal and cool. Virginity may be held up as a big-ass deal, but it’s not gonna make or break your life. I surely hope you have a good experience, but it just might not all go the way you planned. It might be quick and boring, it might make you cry, it might make you laugh. The most important thing is to TALK ABOUT IT. If you find yourself reacting to your first time in a way you didn’t expect, tell your partner what yer feeling, and listen to them, too. If you start out your sex life with good communication, it can only benefit you in the long run.

Aw, geez, that’s a lot of info. Well, I hope it helps you, my darlings. Please let me know what you got out of this article, I appreciate knowing if my advice works!

BEST OF LUCK!
Xoxo, Lucy

27 July 31 Permalink

“For women especially, virginity has become the easy answer- the morality quick fix. You can be vapid, stupid, and unethical, but so long as you’ve never had sex, you’re a “good” (i.e. “moral”) girl and therefore worthy of praise.”

-Jessica Valenti, author of The Purity Myth
(Hey, stay tuned for the Lucy Rockwell Guide to Deflowering, coming soon!!)

25 July 28 Permalink

Virgin Week: Dry Sex

Dear Lucy,

Me and my boyfriend are easing our way into sex, as we are both virgins. We had dry sex/dry humping and I ended up climaxing. My friend thinks this is weird, and doesn’t believe that I did. Is it wrong that I climaxed? :(

Glad to hear that you’re easing your way in, no need to rush if you’re not ready.

Your friend is a jerk. It is totally possible to climax from dry humping. Women (I assume you are female) usually achieve orgasm from rubbing the clitoris, and it was likely being rubbed from your dry sex (ooh, I like that term so much better than humping!) with your boyfriend. Guys and girls can totally get off through clothing or other materials, sometimes it makes messing around even hotter (lingerie, anyone?).

Stereotypically, young guys come really quickly when they’re first embarking on their sexual frontier. You know, you see it in movies all the time: the young guy touching a hot young girl for the first time, and splooging before he can get his pants off. Andy Samberg even did a hilarious digital short on the subject. A buddy of mine told me a story of his youth, dry humping with a girl while he was home sick with the flu. He ended up jizzing in his pants, then ran to the bathroom as a cover up, saying he had to puke, as if that was better. (I always wondered how that poor girl felt about the whole experience…)

Young women, however, usually take more time to figure out how to have an orgasm with a partner. I think it’s totally awesome that you came so easily! Your friend probably doesn’t believe you cause she’s jealous. And I am having a very difficult time thinking of any circumstance in which it would be wrong to climax.

Xoxo, Lucy

P.S. Based on reader feedback, I’m going with UNICORNS as the theme image for Virgin Week. Virgins are the only ones who can tame a unicorn, so they say. Thanks, virgins, for doing your part in the mythogical-animal-taming department. This week’s for you.

23 July 10 Permalink

Mr. Big Stuff: You ARE Gonna Get My Love

Dear Lucy,
My current boyfriend and I have finally decided to do the nasty. But there’s a bit of a problem, he is too big (is that even possible?), and it tends to be painful when he puts it in. Is this my fault? Am I too shallow?

Hey Lucy,
I’ve been dying to get an answer for this for awhile, since it’s killing me (almost literally). I’m rather small, and my boyfriend is huge. It’s almost physically impossible for us to have sex without it hurting. Any ideas for the best positions?

I have no idea if these questions are from the same person, but if so, I apologize for not answering sooner. I‘d feel horrible if you actually died from too much cock!

Many questions I receive ask about physical issues (like best positions for certain types of sex), coupled with emotional and confidence issues. If you haven’t noticed by now, I try to tackle both of these topics equally, because I’m not just trying to encourage fun, safe, physical satisfaction, my darlings. I hope my writings will also go on to inspire a crew of sex-positive, confident, educated, fair-minded women and men who know what they want, and how to get it.

OK, I couldn’t help but grimace at the first reader’s questions: “Is this my fault? Am I too shallow?” Dear girl, how could this possibly be anyone’s fault? You and your boyfriend have human bodies that are simply built the way they’re built. If you’re new to sex (which I am kind of inferring from the way you worded your question), your vagina just doesn’t have the experience of having something shoved into it repeatedly yet. And maybe your boyf doesn’t yet know how to use his dick properly, in a way that won’t hurt you.

Your vag isn’t “too small.” His penis isn’t “too big.” Sure, your lady and man parts, respectively, may be smaller or larger than the national average, but you can still learn to use them together successfully. So get off your guilt complex and buy some nice lube, and invite your jolly giant into the bedroom for a little bit of this:

FOREPLAY. Have I stressed this enough in my life? No, I can never stress it enough. Foreplay is what is going to help your cootch get ready for that monster cock. As you may have noticed, when a man is sexually aroused, there is a very obvious physical response: his penis gets erect. A woman also has a physical response to arousal: her vagina gets more sensitive, it literally opens up more, and her natural juices flow, lubricated her vaginal canal. This doesn’t just happen for no reason- the gal’s physical changes down there are intended to pave the way for the entrance of a penis into her love canal.

You’re probably super nervous about the dicking-down your boyfriend wants to give you. We’ll assume you’re majorly into each other, and you love making out and everything, maybe you’ve even mastered a killer blow job. But you won’t be able to relax if you’re worried about the possibility of pain every time you’re about to have sexual intercourse. If you’re scared or nervous, you won’t be able to let go enough for your body to get all sexed-up and ready for dick. So that’s the first step: relllaaaaxxx.

Then, if your boy wants to ever get inside you, he better be prepared for some major cunnilingus time. When he goes down on you, it will arouse you, relax you, and add some more wetness to the area. If he brings you to an orgasm (which, if you ask me, he’d better) your vag will be even more ready for a visit from his ambassador of love.

If, for some reason, cunnilingus is not working out, masturbate for a good while, have him finger you, play with a vibrator, tweak your nips, and anything else that you know you really like. Then, when you’re good and ready (and I’m talking READY, people, like mucho foreplay. Like at least ½ hour. If not more. And not like 5 minutes.), it may be time to try a little more.

Your canal itself may still be pretty tight (especially if you are new to sex, or haven‘t had it for a while), but lube and foreplay should help loosen you up a bit. In my experience, pain from sex comes mostly from something hitting your cervix. Your cervix is located at the back of your vaginal canal, so a deep thrusting from a big dick will almost inevitably hit this sensitive part of you. So you’ll want to try positions that won’t allow his dick in that far.

Girl-on-top sex may be the way to begin. Have your man lie still, and you be the one to put his dick into you, as carefully and slowly as you want. You can control the depth and frequency of the thrusts, and get your pussy used to having that pole all up in it. I find that being on top of guy with a big dick is actually my most sensitive position, however, and I can’t always get a whole lot of cock in me without it bumping my cervix. But it’s good for the you-in-control aspect.

Still on top, try turning around into reverse-cowgirl. And then, try lying down. Like with your back against his chest, and his cock up between your legs. This position allows him to hold your body, and move you up and down on his dick, but the extra friction from your thighs can still rub the rest of the shaft that’s not in your vag. Feel free to pour lube all over your business, including your thighs.

Guy-on-top sex can put it in pretty deep, but there are still ways to do it. Traditionally, the girl spreads her legs, and the guy keeps his together. Try reversing this, keeping your legs, and thus your vag, more closed so his dick doesn’t go in as far. And don’t throw your legs up over his shoulders- that’s a clear path to cervix-bumping.

Most of all, don’t lose heart. If something doesn’t feel good, take a little break to kiss and cuddle, then pour on more lube and try something else. Get comfortable and practice, and don’t give up for good. I’m here to say: it will get better. As your bodies get used to each other, you will be able to take more and more of his penis inside you. When I was dating Will and his enormous cock, we often spent weeks or months apart. When we came back together, it was usually difficult for him to fuck me as hard as he had been before I left. So for a few days we’d have more gentle lovin, and soon enough my vag would be accommodating to him once more.

Let me know how it goes!

Xoxo, Lucy

P.S. I know the picture is startling, but why should all my pin-ups be girls? That awesome member, and the muscular man attached, are done by Tom of Finland. His art is pretty great, look him up.

22 July 18 Permalink

You’re a boss.

I just wanted to tell you that I love your blog. You seem like such a strong and independent women. I love that you don’t confine yourself to how society thinks women should be. Very inspiring =)

Thank you so much! That really means a lot to me. I started this blog because I was getting really frustrated with the misinformation that so many people receive about sex, and the resulting self-confidence issues that people have in the bedroom.

After talking one too many friends through some of the basics (“No, my dear, just because you come quickly doesn’t mean you produce less semen. And, girlfriend, you deserve to have an orgasm, too. And, yes, all guys love anal.”), I thought that perhaps my contribution to the world should be to get my advice and feelings about sex out there to more people, even strangers.

I’m delighted that people are reading, and asking questions, and responding to the things I write. I don’t claim to be an expert, I’m just a girl with a lot of experience and a lot of things to say. About sex. Cause, really, that’s everyone’s favorite subject- admit it!

xoxo, Lucy

P.S. I’m lot afraid of a lot of things, but one of my greatest fears is… sharks. For real. If I can successfully help y’all conquer your sexual hang ups, perhaps I can one day be like that fantasy version of me in the picture above!

20 July 7 Permalink

Don’t Try to Cheat On Your Girlfriend With Me

I know, I’m usually all about the clever titles. But I want my message to be clear. The above picture inspired me to write the following on the subject…

Sometimes guys are such dogs. Recently I had the experience of two different guys trying to cheat on their girlfriends with me. One was a serious ex-boyfriend of mine, and the other was just a dude I used to fuck (coincidentally, the three of us had quite a few threesomes, back in the day). I saw both of these men on different occasions, and in both situations, things went well at first. They were sweet and friendly, and I didn’t feel awkward, despite our sordid histories.

I knew that both of these guys have girlfriends. Needless to say, neither girlfriend was present. The ex-lover didn’t actually mention his lady at all, but other friends had told me about her. The ex-boyfriend definitely talked about his lady with me, telling me about their happy relationship. I was feeling pretty proud of myself for not having jealousy or sadness about her, too.

Then, in their own distinct ways, both of these dudes tried to get me to mess around with them. Ex-lover was wasted at the time, not that that is an excuse. So was I, which impaired my judgment enough to flirt with the guy a bit during a party. But I never planned to let it get farther than that, and thankfully I was lucid enough to resist his not-so-subtle advances (this is the guy who literally tried to pull me into a vacant bedroom after the party).

The ex-boyfriend struggled with his feelings for me, I know he did. And so did I. Yeah, it felt good in some ways to know that he’s still majorly attracted to me. But I have worked WAY too hard on getting over this guy to just throw it all away on one sunny, silly afternoon. We had coffee and talked and walked around the park. There were some of those classic looking-at-each-other-while-silently-battling-the-feelings-inside moments. He told me that my blowjobs are better than his current gf’s (which, again, I was kinda glad to hear, but he probably shouldn’t have told me). Then he asked me to give him one, right then and there.

“Uh, aren’t you and your girlfriend monogamous?” I asked

“Well, yeah,” he replied. “But it’s YOU!”

“You really don’t want to do this,” I said, taking the mother-fucking high road, hard as it was.

A couple other similar exchanges occurred during our afternoon together, and I am, again, super grateful that we don’t live in the same city anymore. That would only mean drama, accidents, hurt feelings galore.

So, I’m not saying all this to brag about my out-of-control sex appeal. I’m genuinely pissed, actually. Sure, I’ve done some dumb things in the past, hooking up with people who have a partner back home that would not be pleased. But I’ve come to a place where I don’t think it’s worth it to risk those friendships with the men, and risk having the wrath of a spurned girlfriend come down on me later.

I have enough trouble as it is with my platonic guy-friends with whom I have no sexual chemistry; their girlfriends rarely like me, or feel comfortable with my friendships with their men. It’s really frustrating. I’m not about to piss off the girlfriend of a guy that I actually do have chemistry with. I’m growing up. I’m trying to be an ethical slut.

Rod, my best guy friend, is friends with both of these promiscuous gentlemen I recently re-encountered. Rod and I are currently going through the other type of situation I just mentioned, wherein his lady feels weird about our friendship, even though he and I have no sexiness going on between us. So I was a little nervous to tell him about the incidents with each of the dudes who tried to mack on me, worried he’d see it as my fault for some reason. But he was totally pissed at the guys, too.

As Rod said, “Naw, Lucy, you’re good. You did the right thing, batting exes off left and right! They’re dirty, dirty dogs.”

Thanks, buddy.

Xoxo, Lucy

18 July 6 Permalink

“The guys you date are like peaches: sometimes you go to the grocery store, and you just come home with bad peaches.”

-Last night’s dating advice from my friend Ian. Ain’t it the truth.

xoxo, Lucy

16 July 27 Permalink

Orgasms for Women:  Ride ‘em, Cowgirl!

Dear Lucy,

Vaginal intercourse doesn’t do the same thing fingering does for me, but I know my man likes sex better. How do I get my way without seeming selfish and still giving him what he wants too?

You have no idea how many questions like this I get. And it’s killing me. I want to come to each and every one of your high schools and give a sex talk. And if you’re past high school and you’re still trying to figure out the female orgasm conundrum, I want to come to your house and hit you –and your boyfriend, harder- over the head.

As an orgasms-for-women advocate, I think this subject matter is incredibly important. The answer is not simple, but I hope you will find it helpful and satisfying.

Ladies and gentlemen: not all women can have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Actually, MOST women can’t, like around 75%.  That’s a fucking huge number! So why, oh why, do both men and women continue to believe that gals can always get off in the same manner as dudes? Well, this belief system is a product of social propaganda (I swear I’ll be stepping off the soap box and getting to the juicy stuff in a sec, just bear with me).

In movies, books, porn, stories, etc., women are usually seen having an orgasm from peen-vag penetration, just like men do. These are the images we see, and what many people believe is the only way that orgasms for the ladies work. In real life, some women can indeed get off from intercourse, and many cannot. The reason is simple: the nerve endings that lead to orgasm in a man are located in his penis. Chances are, a lot of direct stimulation of the cock (like during intercourse) will lead to him splooging all over the place.

The nerve endings that bring a woman to the brink are concentrated in the clitoris. This is the little nub at the top of your vagina, ladies. Thus, when a penis is thrusting in and out of your vagina (which is the opening below your clit), the clit may not necessarily be getting touched. For many women, no clit stimulation = no orgasm.

Luckily, there are so many orgasm options for women! Like the reader above says, fingering is one (as in she or her man rubbing her clit and other parts of the vag with his/her fingers). Awesomely, fingering can be combined with other aspects of sex, like intercourse. Try it with the girl on top; it’s easier to get to the clit this way, and then you (the woman) or your partner can be the one to do the fingering. Or switch off the manual labor. I find that clit stimulation at the same time as vag penetration can lead to some mind-staggeringly big O’s.

If your hands are getting tired, bring a vibrator into the action. [Men, if you are feeling threatened by your woman’s plastic buzzing thing, you’re a douchebag. A vibrator cannot hold her, comfort her with words, kiss her, etc. It will never replace you, your cock, your manliness. What it can do is help your lady get off –hard- while you’re giving her all the rest of those amazing things that only a human can provide.] Vibrations on the clit bring many women to orgasm pretty quickly, and if you set it up to touch your clit while fucking, your hands (and your partners’) will be free to explore other areas, like nipples and booties.

Staying in the cowgirl position (girl on top, that is), you can also try rubbing your clit on your man. When he thrusts his dick up into you, open your pussy lips up, and push your clit against his pubic bone. Keep up the consistent motion-of-the-ocean, and your boat could be pulling into the harbor right along with your co-captain’s, if you know what I mean. (I may have gone a bit off the deep end with that analogy.)

Clit stimulash is also possible in other positions. For instance, reaching down there during doggy-style sex is easy for the guy or girl, and you can even give yourself a hand in man-on-top positions too. Or sitting up. Or reverse cowgirl. Or pretty much anything. This could be the solution to your problem, reader: fingering + sex at the same time = orgasms for all!

Of course, this could also not be the solution for you (or the other 75% of the female population in a similar situation). Maybe you really only get off from fingering alone, or from your trusty vibe, or from oral sex. In that case, your problem is more about communication with your partner:

 I am of the mind that both partners (female, male, or any combination) deserve the best sexual experience possible when they are together. Having sex with someone (and sex doesn’t always have to include peen-vag intercourse) is like a contract: you are both agreeing to try your best to enjoy yourself, and to help your lover enjoy their experience as well. I’m not saying the orgasm ration has to be 1:1 at all times, but it will be better for both of you if you both feel satisfied the majority of the time.

In many M/F pairings, it will be easier and faster for the man to get his rocks off, but that doesn’t mean that the sexual experience then comes to a halt, with him rolling over and snoring, and you lying there with blue-balls (ovaries?). OF COURSE your boy-toy “likes sex better;” all that hard work pays off when HE has an orgasm! You are not being selfish by wanting to reach the same end, dear reader, he is.

Let him have his orgasm, and then it’s his responsibility to return the favor to you. This may require experimenting, frustration, and hard work, but you will get there eventually. And if he’s a decent fella, he’ll understand that that is the only decent way to go about having a sexual partnership with you. The best guys I’ve been with have not only given me orgasms in whatever way worked best for me, but they genuinely enjoyed doing so. If your man is grumpy or reluctant to take you to orgasm-town, seriously get him out of your bed and find a man that will be delighted to do it for you.

xoxo, Lucy

More on this subject here:

http://gettingdowninchitown.tumblr.com/post/403333864/orgasming-with-a-partner-myth-debunked-dear

How do you get off, ladies? And how do you get your ladies off, guys?

15 July 35 Permalink