One Night Stands: The Aftermath
Dear Lucy,
I’m new to the casual sex game, and I’m also socially inept. What’s the next step after the nasty has been done, in the situation of a one night stand?
The next step depends on whether or not you want this experience to become a more-than-one-night-stand. For those who may not know, a one night stand generally refers to a night of casual sex that does not develop into something more.
My one night stands have usually been with friends (and in the morning we were like, “Whoa, we’re friends. This should not happen again.”) or with near-strangers/acquaintances (and in the morning I was like, “Whoa, that was kinda fun but kinda stupid. This should not happen again.”). This is not to say that a one night stand cannot turn into something greater: I reconnected with my first one night stand partner half a year after our night of drunken lust, and it ended up becoming my longest relationship to this date.
If the guy/gal you hooked up with is someone you’d like to see again, then communicate with them. There’s this old school “three day rule” that some people talk about, as in you should wait for 3 days after a first date (or first bangin’) to call the person you got it on with. I don’t think this is necessary- if you had a good time, chances are that your lover would like to know that. They could very well be sitting there wondering if they should wait 3 days to call you, as well. I’ve had a couple guys call or text me the next day to say hello and thank you and that was fun, and I’ve appreciated it (even if I didn’t want to do it again).
In these technological days of ours, texting seems to be the norm, more than calling on the phone. I see pros and cons to this. Texting is quick and easy and useful to send a quick message when you don’t have time for a real phone call. But it can also be used as a way to hide. You can’t hear the voice of the person you’re communicating with, and they can’t hear yours. It’s really easy to break if off with someone over text, because you don’t have to hear their sadness or disappointment or anger. This is a shitty way to reject someone, not to say I’m not guilty of it on occasion…
Anyway, if you wanna see your new friend again, shoot ‘em a text or give them a call. Simple as that. They may respond favorably, and then you can go on having fun with them. Or they might have regarded the whole thing as a strictly one night deal, in which case it’s good for you to know that sooner rather than later. I think it’s totally OK to want to know what the other person thinks about your potential future- spare yourself many wasted hours of wondering and waiting.
If you don’t want to hook up with your one night stander again, then the next step is… Well, nothing! That’s the beauty of casual sex. You don’t have to call that person again if you don’t want to. Unless you get pregnant or acquire an STI. In which case you most definitely should communicate with them. In fact, you might want to get tested anyhow, if you’re hazy on this other guy/gal’s sexual history.
And if they call you looking for more and you’re not into it, just tell them so. Ignoring the person is mean and unfair, so suck it up, be a grown up and answer the phone/text with the truth: it was fun, but you don’t want it to go beyond that one crazy night.
Xoxo, Lucy
Lucy Rockwell: Stark Raving Single.
I have about five quadrillion friends getting married in the coming year. My fridge is plastered with invitations and save-the-dates (which my cousin refers to as “STDs,” a euphemism I find inappropriate, being a sex writer…). I’m 27 and stark raving single, and nowhere near the possibility of getting married, which is totally OK with me. My life is great, I’m doing the things I want to do and living the way I want to live. But I’m not gonna lie: with my friends and peers getting hitched all around me, it’s hard not to think and talk about marriage semi-constantly.
One such conversation happened with my roommate, April, last night. We were discussing people who get engaged after dating their significant other for only a few months, and whether it’s possible to be that sure of your relationship that soon. My relationships have either been long and committed, spanning several years, or short and sweet, with a low degree of commitment (at least in my mind). But I think any type of relationship evolves and changes enormously as the months and years go by. You learn new things about each other constantly, gradually revealing your habits and your histories. Thinking back, it amazes me how different each year of my LTRs was. Deciding to get married within the first year of any relationship is not something I can fathom.
It’s a well known, physiological fact that the first year with a new partner is the peaches and cream. That twitterpated feeling where you just LOVE a person, and have not yet discovered their faults, is a once in a lifetime event. The real test comes later, when the dark and dirty secrets of your partner begin to surface. The question becomes not ‘can you love them?’ but ‘can the love stay when the challenges begin?’
I haven’t let myself get deep into a relationship for nearly 3 years. There are several reasons for this: my last long-ass relationship was really long, it started when I was young and naïve, and I wanted to experience being a young adult while leaving my options open. Sometimes I’ve been lonely, sometimes I’ve dated for awhile, and sometimes I just reveled in being single and how uncomplicated it makes my life. I have lots of friends to see, places to be, and artsy stuff to work on, and I really don’t have time for a boyfriend. So right now, I’m not even looking for a dude.
But sometimes I wonder if I actually have a fear of commitment. Cliché, yes. But I think it may be true. My parents had a messy and traumatizing divorce when I was around 10. Although our family relationships are patched up now, this major event during my childhood has helped to form my beliefs about love and relationships. I am super cautious of getting in too deep, too fast. I don’t want to let myself fall for someone, only to be burned. My parents got married super young, which later proved to be not the best decision for them. Thus, one of the major reasons that Will and I broke up 3 years ago was because I didn’t want to be stuck in a relationship without experiencing other things while we were still young.
So, yeah, deciding to marry someone will take a long time for me. Many people see marriage as the ultimate declaration of love for their partner: “We love each other, and to prove how much we love each other, we’re going to try to stick it out forever!” I say, why rush into that commitment when you don’t know if it can last? Sure, I want to get married some day. I have those girly fantasies of the dress and the flowers and the whole big party. But when I get married, I want it to be after 4 or 5 years of being with my loved one. I want our declaration to be something like: “We tried it, we liked it, now we’re ready to say that we can do this for a long, long time!”
No, I’m not jealous of all my marrying friends. I’m supportive, but I’m dubious. I’m certainly not going to voice my doubts directly to them, because I love them and I want them to be happy. I like weddings, and I’m stoked to help plan the events and stock my closet with bridesmaid dresses. I just don’t think I can declare my long-term love intentions without a lot of practice.
Not to mention that I don’t believe in monogamy, but that’s a subject for another day…
Xoxo, Lucy
Where Do I Put My Hands?… Receiving Cunnilingus
Dear Lucy,
I have never given or received oral, but the chance arose the other day… What exactly should you do when receiving oral sex? I know, like, hygiene is a must, but during the actual event I feel like I’m just going to lie prone like a mannequin. I just imagine it would be hard to touch him or do something beyond being all stiff.
Alright, I agree that hygiene is a must. Washing your vag before gettin’ down in any way with anyone is certainly the polite thing to do. A couple notes on that, however: a little soap and water should do the trick just fine. No need for any cleaning measures beyond that, as in NO DOUCHING. Vaginal douches are not good for your body. They’re packed with chemicals and fragrances that could be irritating to your crotch, and could actually cause infection. Or push an existing infection further up into your ladyparts.
There’s a delicate balance of friendly bacteria living in your cootch, and they’re there to keep you clean all on their own. Don’t flush them out. If you’re worried about your smell, don’t be. Guys like the smell and taste of vaginas, and if he tells you otherwise kick him out of your bed. So, yeah, pre-sexy time, just wash gently with a washcloth to get the usual daily discharge or whatevs out of your folds, and continue forth.
As for pube maintenance, I like to do a little trimming. Some women shave the whole area, and that’s cool. Some may think it’s sexy, some may think you look creepily like a little girl, some may like it better if you leave the whole nest alone and don’t remove a single hair. Whatever lifts your luggage (as my hero Dan Savage would say), just don’t feel pressure to groom your pubic hair in any way you don’t want to.
On to the actual act of cunniligus- from the receiving end. If you are new to sex, it may be difficult to imagine what you’re going to do when you’re getting head until you’re actually there, getting it. I think that when it’s happening to you for reals, your hands will wander around wherever they feel like it. Lying there, “being all stiff,” is kinda hard to do when your vag, and the rest of your body, is freaking out from all the good feelings.
It’s totally OK to touch the person who is going down on you. In fact, it will most likely reassure your partner that he/she is doing a good job. Start with a little touching of the hair, move on to stroking their ears and the back of their neck. If your head-giver’s hands are holding onto your hips or belly or somewhere reachable, you can hold and stroke your partner’s hands.
Most folks think it’s super sexy to see their lover touch herself. You can –and should!- touch your own breasts and nipples while you’re getting head. Nipple stimulation can help you orgasm, and your lover will get turned on watching you touch yourself. You can also run your hands over your belly, hips, legs (if they’re bent or you’re sitting up), face and neck. It may seem awkward at first, but trust me, it’s sexy for both of you.
A third option is to hold onto something in the surrounding area. Beds with posts or a headboard are great for this. You can also grab the pillow above your head, the mattress, or the sheets/blankets. Clutching something real hard when you’re coming is advisable, as you may injure that hard-working guy or gal between your legs by squeezing them too much. Of course, pulling his hair or digging your fingernails into his shoulders can also be great, if y’all are into that.
As for the rest of your body, a little hip gyration and gentle thrusting is fun when you’re getting cunnilinged. You gotta keep it gentle, however, or you could throw your partner off your clit, and you certainly don’t want that. Try doing different stuff with your legs; bending one or both knees, wrapping your legs around your lover’s back, holding onto your thighs to keep your legs in the air. And be vocal! Moan, groan, advise, whimper, scream, curse. Put a pillow or your hand over your face if you’re in a place where you can’t get too loud.
Don’t be afraid to try new things and discover what you like the best. And ask your partner what he or she likes, too.
Xoxo, Lucy
Sexy Video: Mud Wrestling
Just in case you needed a Monday pick me up, here’s smokin’ hot, braless Pam Grier getting dirty with some blond chick.
Actually, a super hot blond friend of mine asked if I would mud wrestle her for some charity event sometime soon… I’m seriously considering it. I will, however, be wearing a bra.
Xoxo, Lucy
Dear Lucy,
My boyfriend and I were doing the dirty today and he went down on me…half way through I started laughing and I couldn’t stop! He continued but I’ve never heard of a girl laughing during sex, is this normal?
Yeah, laughing is totally OK during sex. I wrote a whole thing about it a few months back:
I’m glad your boyfriend continued to go down on you. What a stand up guy!
Xoxo, Lucy
Today I’m starting a new segment called…
I’m Not a Doctor, But I Am a Lady:
-Unqualified, but Helpful, Health Advice-
- - - -
Mid-Cycle Pain
Dear Lucy,
So today my body felt weird. My boobs are slightly sore and I’m nowhere near my period. I also felt little cramps. Should I be worried? We used a condom and everything.
I assume you’re worried that you may be pregnant. I’m not a doctor, and so I can’t say for sure, but it sounds to me that you’re just going through a little mittelschmerz.
I’m sorry, what?! Did you say mittelschmerz? Why, yes, I did. Mittelschmerz means (in German) “middle pain,” and the term is associated with the pain some women experience in the middle of their menstrual cycles, while they are ovulating.
Most women have a monthly cycle of around 28 days, during which the following things happen:
Day 1 is when you start surfin’ the crimson wave
Day 5 is when Aunt Flo finally leaves town (or Day 4-7, it varies)
Days 8-12ish This is your most fertile time of the month. Your egg is still chillin’ in one of your ovaries (or both- twins!), waiting to come out for a visit from Mr. Sperm and his bajillion buddies.
At this time, your uterus starts growing this thick lining. If your egg is not fertilized, you shed the lining later in the month (this is actually menstrual “blood”).
Day 12-15ish is actual ovulation. This means that your egg comes down the fallopian tube and into your uterus. If your egg meets up with a sperm successfully during this time, it becomes fertilized. Your uterine lining becomes a nice cushiony spot for the egg to attach to, and for the baby to grow in your womb.
Day 15-28 if your egg is not fertilized, not much happens here. Except that a week before your period you may feel kinda horrible, getting zits and bloated and eating a lot of ice cream. You may, perhaps, throw a ceramic vase at your boyfriend and weep uncontrollably when it shatters against the wall, prompting him to ask you if you’re PMSing, which rekindles your rage even though you know it’s true. You are PMSing.
Day 28/1 The cycle begins again. You get your period, and your boyfriend brings home a bottle of wine to celebrate another month of not getting you knocked up.
Alright, so what’s up with the boob pain and cramps in the middle of the month? Well, it is perfectly normal to have a little pain during ovulation, which occurs about halfway in-between periods. I usually have light cramps that feel like little twinges in the area below and to the right or left of my belly button. Like maybe someone has taken a needlenosed pliers and given one of my ovaries a little pinch and twist. Interestingly, whichever side of your abdomen you feel the pain in is probably the ovary that’s releasing the egg. Kinda cool to know.
Breast and nipple tenderness is also quite common. Other effects of the ‘schmerz can include light spotting (like a little bit of blood, but not a full period), maybe a little swelling of the vulva or nearby lymphnodes, and some mucusy discharge (mm). And that’s about it- not too big of a deal, considering. If you’re super uncomfortable, pop some painkillers, smoke a bowl, and/or take a bath.
Of course, if any of these symptoms seem crazy painful or out of control, there may be other, more serious things going on with your body. Get them checked out by your gyno if you’re worried. As for your concern about pregnancy; cramps and tittie tenderness could be associated with having a bun in your oven. But these things would be more extreme, and you probably won’t get your period 2 weeks later.
If it’s just those little mittelschmerzy cramps, you’re probably cool.
Xoxo, Nurse Lucy
Life. Love. Lust.
I'm Lucy. I live in Chicago and I like to talk about sex. Give me a topic: I'm happy to answer any questions about love, sex, and relationships. Email me at LucyRockwell@gmail.com Follow @LucyRockwell
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