Must love dogs?
For years I’ve prided myself on having a killer question in that 10 fingers game. [Note: everyone holds up their hands and takes a turn saying a thing they have never done. If another person in the game has done said thing, they put 1 of 10 fingers down. The first person to put down all 10 fingers wins/loses the title of sluttiest/craziest.] When the game is getting down to the wire, and I inevitably have only 2 or so fingers left up, and one of my evil friends is about to use some dirty secret against me to prove that yes, once again I am the sluttiest person in the room… I smile and say, “well, never have I ever had sex with someone while a dog was in the room.”
It’s a killer. I don’t know why, but it seems that everyone else has, indeed, gotten laid while a dog was also present. And until that moment, they probably didn’t think much of it. But I just can’t get down with that. It’s not that I don’t like dogs-
Ok, that’s a lie. The truth is, I don’t like dogs. I want to, really I do. There is something missing in the mushy lovey compassion part of my psyche, and I know it. Yes, there have been a few dogs in my lifetime that I could say I quite enjoyed the company of, but I could probably count em up on one hand.
So what do I say when a dude I’m dating tells me he has a dog? I smile and say, “Oh.” And when I meet said dog for the first time, I pet it and say cute things and pretend I am super stoked to meet their live-in companion. But I know that dog sees right through me. It will know I am lying, and it will know I am there to take the attention of their master, and it will not like it.
I was never ok with having sex with a dog in the room. Whoa whoa- let’s clear that up right now. I am not saying “sex with a dog.” In fact, bestiality is WAY not my thing. Hell, I accept why people are into it, and I approve of kinkiness in most forms. But when my dude friends say, “Hey! Look at the computer for just a sec!” I know they’re trying to trick me into seeing some girl putting a snake in her vag or being mounted by a goat. Sorry, ex-boyfriend who shall remain nameless, but, “Look at the expression on that dog’s face! That dog is so happy!” is not going to win me over to the bestiality side of life. Thus, I am so NOT into bestiality that I can’t even handle fucking a human with a dog nearby. The chance that I’ll feel a wet animal nose poking me when I least expect it sounds appalling.
But now all I’ve said has become total BS, because I broke down and did it. I fucked a guy while his dog was in the room. I certainly didn’t intend to! But it was all fun and spontaneous and the guy was hot. The opportunity to say, “Um, yeah, do you think you could get your dog out of here before we get down to business?” did not arise easily.
So we fucked and I tried to ignore the jingling collar as the pup ran around the room, clearly upset by the strange noises coming out of the humans. I felt a little guilty that I was corrupting the dog’s master and the poor thing was confused… But the guilt stopped the moment I felt that wet nose poke on my bare skin.
I tried to be cool with it, thinking, “Whatever! Everybody fucks with their dog in the room! It’s perfectly normal! Hell, some people smear peanut butter on their genitals and let the dog join in!” So I felt OK about it, the only problem was going to be the loss of my awesome Ten Fingers question.
But the date kinda got worse from there, and soon it was clear that this dude valued this dog a little too highly. In the morning, I had set my alarm early, hoping to get a little lovin’ before going to work. Then the pup got into the bed. “OK, OK, “ I think, “I can handle this. He’s a sweet and cuddly dog. It’s great that this guy is responsible and loving enough to devote so much time to a living thing that needs his care.”
And love it he did. He was petting the dog, and kissing the dog, and whispering sweet nothings to the dog. I subtly, then not-so-subtly hinted I might like some cuddling too, but it was soon clear that all that morning’s cuddling was going to the dog. And I was so out of there.
