Oh, ah, ooohhh, ow ow ow! (Sex injuries)

A excerpt from the best scene in Chasing Amy, in which two of the main characters are comparing sex debacles that resulted in permanent injuries:

“I got that beat.

(half-turns and lifts chin)

Sophomore year.  I’m going down on Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after we went club-hopping.  I’m totally drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall asleep - right there in her lap.  She got so mad, she digs her heel into my back, right there.

(points to scar)

That’s permanent.”

Sure, this scene is hilarious, but sex injuries are real, not something to be laughed at! Ok, they are totally to be laughed at. Because what else can you do? Hurting yourself during sex is so awkward that laughing it off is the only option, for me at least.

Most likely everyone can relate on the headboard head-smack, the nose bump or the front-teeth bump when you’re trying to make out, the occasional fall off a chair or the edge of the bed. I, personally, have accidentally make the bottom lip of three different guys bleed. What can I say, I’m a biter. But I wouldn’t qualify any of those as being a big deal sex injury, just mere annoyances.

The first time I met this one girl, her back had been thrown out. She was hobbling around hunched over, barely able to stand. Trying to be a polite first-time acquaintance, I acted concerned and asked how it had happened.

“Having sex,” she answered without hesitation. “I don’t really know what I did, but the next morning my back was fucked.”

My worst injury left me terrified that it would be permanent. I was being tied up by Cliff, a lover who took his kinkiness very seriously. He owned some very nice hemp rope, and was well versed in shibari (fancy name for Japanese rope bondage). Cliff was so careful to correctly tie his knots, that by the time I realized the rope was too tight around my wrists, I didn’t have the heart to tell him to redo it. This was a mistake on my part. Everything else went great, but when he untied me, my hands had completely fallen asleep.

I wasn’t worried at first, and the blood rushed back into my hands pretty quickly. As they tingled back to life, I noticed that the ring finger and pinky on my left hand still didn’t feel right. They were still numb an hour later. They were still numb a day later. They were still numb a week later, and I went to the chiropractor. I explained my affliction, but when she asked how I had ended up with numb fingers, I said I must have fallen asleep with my arm in a weird position. The chiro fixed me up (thank god), but it was certainly a wake up call! Even if it spoils the mood, make sure to tell your partner if the ropes are too tight!

Less worrisome and purely hilarious: jizz in the eye. Unfortunately this has happened to me more than once, don‘t ask me how. Damn it stings! Also, one time I started laughing just as I was finishing a blowjob, and come came out of my nose. Fucking disgusting. Sorry, TMI.

What are your best sex injury stories?

2 January 5