“I need you in my places” - The X-Matches

The Chicago Reader’s X-Matches section is seriously one of the most entertaining things I’ve ever read. There is always some new entry that completely blows my mind. Are these people for really real? I fucking hope so, cause after reading the X-Matches, anybody should feel completely OK about any kinks they’ve got. Because there is someone somewhere in the Chicagoland area who has almost certainly got some crazier kinks than you. Or at least their grammar sucks a lot more than yours.

For example, this little gem is titled: “we all grown right?” The lack of a comma between “grown” and “right” makes this have a totally new meaning than I believe the author intended. Did we all, in fact, grow correctly? Or is she asking if we are all grown ups? Who cares? Who needs spaces in between words? She sounds like a blast: “attractive female,mature,not into DRAMA. my guy laid back,hardworking and like to see his woman happy.i like cracking jokes,i’m very silly at times. very silly in a good way.”

The above ad is for “MW4W,” translated as a man and woman couple seeking sex with a woman. This is one of the most common combinations of people seeking one another for sexy-time through the internet. I find it interesting that few MW couples are seeking men. Why are bicurious women so much more common than bi men? Are the men in the couples just more afraid to admit that they are into the idea of hooking up with dudes too? Are the women interested in hooking up with other women just so they can get their guy off?

Another very great post was from “ShySelfSucker.” I clicked on his profile, and YES! He can suck his own dick! Fucking awesome! This is something I have yet to see in real life, but I sure do hope to some day… He goes on to say, “I am capable of sucking my own cock, and i want desperately to show somebody, then have them finish me off. Id also love to fuck someone in the ass WHILE licking/sucking them off.” What?! How would that last part work?? Has this man had his lower ribs removed?!

And speaking of sucking dick, what is this BS?

“I am a basically straight guy (with a GF) who happens to be expert at sucking off straight men. I am ONLY interested in straight guys- sorry. If you’re gay I’m not going to respond. (no offense to anyone) If your wife or girl won’t suck it I will.
If you want to try sucking or are bi- curious this ad is NOT for you. NO RECIPROCATION from you.”

Come on, dude. Why kid yourself? You are sucking dick! You are, in some way, not entirely straight. That’s just the way it is, why fight it?

As for this young lady’s philosophy on finding casual internet sex:

“I consider sex an art form and I’m one hell of a painter.”

Awesome. You do it, girl.

4 January 3