The Douchebag

The final chapter in the Austin saga… Is he consciously a douchebag, or just completely crazy?

At the aforementioned party, you will recall that Austin showed up and was extremely flirty and sweet. To the point that it almost threw into question my earlier decision to dump him by text message. Winking, dancing, smiling, sharing drinks, la di da. He stuck around super late, and it seemed pretty clear that he was hoping I’d change my mind and bring him home with me after all! Did he not understand what my break-up text had meant? What to do now?

Then Austin did something truly unbelievable, answering my questions once and for all. The party was winding down. We’d said our goodbyes. My best friend and roommate, April, walked Austin out of the party venue in order to lock the door behind him. And then:

“So, April… this may seem a bit forward of me, but do you want to go get a drink or something sometime?”

Shocked silence from my girl. Then, “Uh, no, Austin. I don’t think that would be appropriate at all. Good night.”

April later recounted this exchange to me. I’d just been thinking about seeing if Austin wanted to hang out in a friendish way this weekend, to test the hope that we could be friends. But after hearing this new development in the long story of discovering Austin’s quirks, I could only think one thing: douchebag or crazy??

What guy in their right mind would ask out a girl’s best friend/ roommate a day after the relationship (or whatever it was) had ended? A crazy guy, that’s who. An oblivious guy. A guy who clearly has never heard of “hoes over bros.” A guy who didn’t realize that, most likely, I would have told April all the weird shit about him, so he could never stand a chance! In short: a douchebag.

And now, a word about douchebags. As a slang word that is tossed about quite frequently in my language and social bracket, it is generally used to describe a person (usually male) with many negative qualities, namely arrogance and ignorance. But what is a douchebag… really?

Well, it is a bag that a lady can fill with fluid, then attach to a nozzle, and then use the whole device to rinse out her vagina. The purpose would be to “clean” her vagina. She can fill a douchebag with water, mix in some vinegar, or purchase a scented douche kit from the drug store. Scents like Island Splash! Baby Powder! Spring Rain!

To quote The Vagina Monologues, “I don’t want my pussy to smell like rain!” Vaginas are supposed to smell like vaginas. And in fact, they clean themselves! There’s all sorts of crazy balancing of bacterias and micro-organisms going on in the vag. When something is not quite right, the vag produces more of the good stuff, and flushes out the bad. And, actually, using a douche can disrupt that sweet cootchie harmony by washing away the good bacterias, or pushing harmful bacteria further into the uterus. This unbalances her natural pH, and can put a lady at greater risk for vaginal infections. So, yuck.

Douchebaggery has also been used as a form or birth control. Never do! Along with all the other imbalancing and such, douching can actually wash sperm further into the vag, completely defeating the point! Douching as birth control: 15% effective. Regular condom use as birth control: 97% effective. Just saying.

In conclusion: the douchebag. Don’t want him/it, don’t need him/it.

31 January 4