Dear Lucy,
Do you think people have sex on the naked beaches a lot? Do you think it’s illegal to do that? Why do you think they have naked beaches?

First of all, I thought the wording of this question was interesting; I have only ever heard of nude beaches, never naked beaches. But, seeing as the words are essentially synonyms, let’s put that aside.

I do think people have sex on the naked beaches a lot. I think people have sex on all sorts of beaches a lot. “Sex on the beach” is a greatly romanticized concept, due to the titillating risk factor, of course, as well as the sunsets, the sound of the waves, the being nearly naked in a swim suit. I was first propositioned by a stranger for sex on the beach when I was around 20 in Cancun. The hotel bartender had taken a shine to me, and when he asked in his heavily accented English, “Senorita, sex on the beach?” I thought he was referring to the fancy tropical drink.

“No,” I replied, annunciating, “a pina colada, por favor.”

“No,” he replied, “Sex. On. The. Beach.”

“Oooohhh.” I got it. And I refused: it was Christmas day, and I was on a family vacation for godsakes.

I have done it on several beaches since, and the sad truth is that sex on any beach is majorly overhyped. Ask anyone who’s tried it: sand will stick to the wet parts of you, and it gets into every orifice. Unless you’ve got a nice big beach blanket and there are no breezes, sex will get uncomfortable real fast.

On to the second question: Yes, it is illegal to have sex on most nude beaches. Some are privately owned, and require a fee to get in. In these private resorts/clubs, there could be an “anything goes” mentality. But it is illegal to have sex in any public place in the U.S.

Public nude beaches are generally “overlooked” by the law. While public nudity is not technically a federal offense, generally there are state laws prohibiting it. But! there are certain places where the state or county gives special permission for sunbathers to lay out naked in specified places. Public nude beaches do have a sort of Code of Conduct, however. (CHECK OUT http://gocalifornia.about.com/cs/clothingoptional/a/nudebeachguide.htm)

Sexual activity is frowned upon because it can make people feel uncomfortable, and it would be more likely to attract unwanted attention from the law. The attitude is something like: “The cops are letting us be naked, don’t fuck it up for everyone by fucking! Plus, gross!”

Why are there nude beaches? Several reasons. Some diehard sunbathers want a tan all over their body, and I’d think it would be far more pleasant to be outside than inside, all alone in a tanning booth. I think the beach is a very pleasant place to be, and being naked is also a good feeling. You’re nearly naked anyway, so why not go all the way? In most of Europe, women already sunbathe topless; it’s just not a big deal.

Your attitude about being on a nude beach is really what matters most. In my experiences on nude beaches, the people just hang out naked, minding their own business. At the nude beaches in Santa Cruz, there are whole families with naked kids running around, hot co-eds, old men, every type of person. There are also, unfortunately, gawkers.

This is the major downside of public nude beaches. There are always some fully-clothed dudes hanging out clearly for the sole purpose of checking out naked chicks. It’s creepy, and it sucks. It’s kind of an interesting reversal of the usual situation: this is a place where it’s weirder to be the person with clothes on than the person with none. When I’ve been to nude beaches, I usually just ignore the creepy dudes and their sad existences and lack of etiquette. Unless they get too close. If there’s plenty of room on a beach and some guy gets within 10 feet of me and my ladyfriends, I will fucking flip out. There is no reason a man needs to get that close to women he doesn’t know, especially if they are naked. And nothing terrifies a creep more than a woman (clothed or not) turning on him and showing that she is not vulnerable or naïve. If that happens to you, try something like: “Hey! You need to get the fuck away from us right now!” In my experience, results are very satisfying.

Back to why one goes to a nude beach, have you ever gone swimming naked? It’s one of my absolute favorite feelings in the world. Boobs float, and it’s amazing to have that weight lifted off your chest for awhile, and see them bobbing freely in the waves. Swimming naked also feels great on the bottom half. Actually, I’ve had some fantastic orgasms from water alone. Won’t work for everybody, but try waving water toward your vag the next time you’re swimming naked. It’s awesome.

Unfortunately, my nude beach experiences have been limited to the West Coast. There’s only one legalish nude beach in Illinois, but as soon as this dang winter lets up, I think I’ll give it a try.

15 February 4