Orgasming with a Partner: Myth Debunked!

Dear Lucy,

Omg I swear there is something wrong with me, a guy can do all the right things to me but I’ve never come and just find it impossible to finish. What’s up with that!?

Hm. A little unclear as to what “all the right things” are that guys are doing to you, but I’ll try to make some educated guesses. I’ve been wanting to talk about orgasms for women for a while, so this seems like a good launching off point.

First of all, just like with giving a hand job to a guy (see previous entry), the way you come when you are masturbating and when you are with a partner can be very different. Performance anxiety in front of another person will always make it harder to come, so the first thing you should do is RELAX! If you think about it too hard, an orgasm may never come your way. It may help to limit your sexual experiences to the same person for a while, someone you are attracted to and feel comfortable with. The more your comfort level builds, the more you will be able to relax enough to possibly have an orgasm with him.

I want to make a very important point about a major sexual misconception: NOT ALL WOMEN CAN HAVE ORGASMS FROM PENETRATION. Guys, if the girl you are fucking has an orgasm just from you sticking your dick in her, with no other stimulation, there is a 1 in 4 chance she is faking it (The stats out there on this subject vary. I’ve also seen that only 7% of women can have an orgasm though intercourse alone).

Many, many women can only have orgasms from clitoral stimulation (I’m one of these), or perhaps anal stimulation, playing with nipples, or a combination of many of different types of stimulation.  I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve slept with that just expected me to come from sex (and by that I mean intercourse), and were surprised when I said I couldn’t.

Porn and other representations of sex in the media do not help with this misconception either. Forgive me if you disagree, but I find that many men don’t realize they have a responsibility to help get their lady lovers off too, as the girl may not get as much satisfaction from bangin’ as the guy does. This is sometimes a difficult subject to broach, but it’s worth it. It’s something I’m still working on in my own sex life. Ideally, every time a guy asks me if “it’s good,” I will respond truthfully that the sex feels great, and that I’d also like to help direct him toward other ways that I can come.

Back to you, worried reader: I assume you masturbate. What methods do you use to get yourself off? Consider bringing these same things into the bedroom with you when you are hooking up with a guy. You can rub your clit yourself while being penetrated; this is probably easiest to do if you’re on top, but I like to do it while I’m laying down too. If you’re on top, you can try grinding your clit against his pelvic bone in time with his thrusts. Also consider getting your vibrator involved in the equation, and using it on your clit while fucking. Plenty of nipple stimulation, kissing, and whatever else you like can only help more.

I really like oral sex, and especially before penetration. It gets your vag all nice and wet, and the stimulation literally opens you up, readying her for her lover’s penis. Intercourse may feel even better after coming from oral sex, leading you to another orgasm a little bit later.

Whatever you do with your lovers to make orgasms happen, remember that it may not happen for a while. You may have to experiment with a lot of different combinations of stimulation before you find the mix that’s right for you. And it may vary with different lovers. The most important thing to remember is this: never sacrifice your own pleasure. If he’s not happy to put in the effort to get you off, he’s not worth sleeping with.

Readers, any other orgasm ideas for our friend?

21 February 8