Dress Up Your Junk

Lacey thongs and genital piercings are SOOO last year. If you’re looking for another way to fancy up your private area, look no further! Thanks to some amazing innovations in body transformation, you can take your next costume party to a whole new level.

I will be rating these body trends on a scale of 1-5.

Vajazzling became a bit of a sensation last month when Jennifer Love Hewitt revealed (on the George Lopez Show, of all places) that when she needs a self-confidence boost she “vajazzles” her “va-jay-jay.” To the common person, this means that she gets her pubes shaved off, then has Swarovski crystals glued in patterns to her skin on the area right above her vag. Basically, she bedazzles her vagina (hence the name “vajazzle”). I think this may be a practice only meant for people with copious amounts of disposable income. If the only place left to put your jewels is on the… family jewels, then vajazzling is your ticket to superficial happiness. [Please note that the crystals are only guaranteed to stay on for 5 wondrous days, and that you should avoid high levels of physical activity the first day after treatment.] Unfortunately, I can’t find a spa that performs this service in Chicago, so if hear of one let me know!

VAJAZZLING:
Attractiveness: 4, Frivolity: 5, Creativity: 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnUloWnKjg4

For the dudes, there’s Dapper Dicks: “Designer Wear for Down There.” The hilarious website showcases several costumes for your dick, all with clever names like “Pirate Hardwood.” Each costume has a jacket and hat, and maybe a few accessories. The size chart explains when to measure your little friend to get the most accurate readings (if between sizes, order a size up, just like shoes!). They also explain that Dapper Dick costumes must be removed before intercourse, and they cannot prevent pregnancy or STDs. With a pricetag of $45, it seems they could should be able to do those things, or at least do something more than just make your cock look like a Rescue Hero for a few minutes. If I were a dude, I’d probably just wrap my johnson in a bandana or pull a finger puppet over it, rather than dish out that kind of dough for a novelty item. But the whole concept gets points for cleverness, nonetheless.

DAPPER DICKS:
Attractiveness: 3, Frivolity: 5, Creativity: 4.5
http://dapperdicks.com/

I wanted to find something new related to breast enhancement, and I literally heard this segment on the radio while writing this article (thank you NPR!). The Living Breast Artist Series puts the above forms of body decoration to shame for their pointlessness. Artist Denise Milito paints the breasts of women who have been affected by breast cancer in their lives. In her artist’s statement, she says, “The goal is to show that breasts are beautiful and life-giving, yet not what defines a woman. The life and energy of every woman comes from within and cannot be taken away by breast cancer.” She uses proceeds from the project to help fund breast cancer research. The series is currently on display at Flourish Studios in Chicago; I’m planning to check out the show. Don’t want to say too much about it before I see the photos in person, but I like the message the artist presents. I’ve always thought airbrushing on nude models in Playboy and Sports illustrated was cool, but the objectification aspect of the art seemed a little creepy. The Living Breast takes body painting in a positive direction.

BREAST PAINTING:
Attractiveness: 4, Frivolity: 1, Creativity: 5
http://www.livingbreast.com/

The final dress up item I am not too thrilled about. Actually, I think it says the opposite of what The Living Breast does. I first learned about My New Pink Button on the Dealbreaker blog, and I gotta say I agree with Dave and Marisa: “Your labia is fine just the way it is.” This product is a “Genital Cosmetic Colorant” used to make your vag… pinker. It comes in four shades, sadly named after beauty icons I rather like: Bettie, Marilyn, Audrey, and Ginger. How they matched the pussy dye to the color of each of these legendary women’s vaginas is a mystery to me. At $30 a jar, I will say to the women of the world: if your partner has a problem with how pink your vagina is, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate the genuineness of the relationship. If you have a problem with your own cootchie’s coloring: relax. Just glue some crystals to it and nobody will notice the color anyway.

VAGINA DYE:
Attractiveness: 0, Frivolity: 4, Creativity: 2
http://www.mynewpinkbutton.com/
http://dealbreaker.tumblr.com/post/334601957/dealbreaker-you-dye-your-vagina-thusday-january

1 March 14