Gettin' Down in Chi-Town
Today I’m posting a fantastic guest essay from one of my favorite followers: http://nellvoss.tumblr.com/ A former Chicagoan, Voss moved to Los Angeles recently, and she writes a great blog called “Searching for Culture in L.A.” (which is indeed a difficult task). In terms of her search for a perfect mate, she has a rather different perspective than most… Unwinding the Biological Clock I don’t really care to get married. I don’t really care to have children. I’m sure of these things, but because of the rigorous brainwashing of society at large I have accepted the idea that I will change my mind around thirty-two, and suddenly my uterus will be screaming about getting filled up until I get to weak to resist and just give that bitch what it wants. The biological clock argument worked pretty well on me when I was a teenager, and really kept working as long as this magical desire was still part of the hazy future. Well, I’m approaching the end of my twenties and I still don’t want any goddamn stretch-mark-making, time-sucking, little monsters to take over my identity. I was not raised in a house in the suburbs with a mom and a dad and a dog and a brother. I think I turned out okay, so why shouldn’t I be able to choose something other than a nuclear family for my own future? I am a fan of monogamy. I just don’t think that it can really be a permanent state. At some point you will no longer get along, or, at the very least, you will stop having sex. I’m still pretty young, but it seems to me that life without sex is death in disguise. The problem with all of this is that, as a pretty, intelligent, straight woman, I am expected to want all of the things that pretty, straight, intelligent women of previous generations have demanded from sex partners. The truth is I don’t give a shit about that stuff. The only reason I ever talk about my supposed future children is when I am imagining what I will not do to them. The longing to do better than my parents did is the only time I ever think about having kids. Well, friends, I am happy to report that I have the perfect solution to this conundrum. You see, one of the worst things that my parents bungled was the handling of their respective remarriages. They subjected me and my siblings to their obnoxious new mates without so much as a heads up. They were re-establishing themselves as free adults, a step that would never have been necessary if they hadn’t had to give up on being free adults in order to have children. That is why I have decided that my ideal childrearing relationship would be a long term partnership with a divorced man who has children. Preferably one who shares custody with the children’s mother. This would allow me the satisfaction of doing the stepmother thing right. It could be revolutionary. I like the idea of being involved in the lives of other people’s children. Other people’s children are my favorite kind of kids. So go ahead, have children with that dreamy man you’ve found. But when you wake up one morning and realize you hate his guts? Divorce him! Before you’re both old and wrinkled! These are the best years of your life! Get on with it! There is nothing sexier than a man who can be relied on to do things properly; a man who can be trusted to do the grocery shopping without micromanagement; a man who will know what to do if somebody accidentally swallows something poisonous. So let that sexy man find somebody who finds him attractive, and you go on with your bad self and find somebody who thinks a lady with saggy tits and scarring on her abdomen is just the cat’s meow. If you divorce him and he ends up with me, I will make you this promise: I will never try to replace you. I will never say bad things about you. I will never interfere with decisions that are the rightful province of you and the sexy man I will be sleeping with. I will never talk about my sexual relationship or in any way be showy with the public displays of affection when the kids are around (or at all, that shit is tacky). I will stay out of the way, but I will provide your children with something too. I will make it clear to them that if they decide that they truly hate me I am gone. I don’t need to ruin the relationship of a dad and his kids. I am not interested in that. I will be like the cool aunt. Or maybe the nerdy aunt, but any way you slice it, you wouldn’t really be upset if your kids had one more aunt, would you? In addition to the boon of having the chance to positively impact the lives of some kids who have probably had a rough time the last few years, I think there are other bonuses to be found in this scenario. There is no rule that says that partners must live together. I would be happiest living separately but close to my partner, and I think this works well for the hotty divorcee relationship. I don’t even want to move in! I just want to occasionally hang out with your kids, but mostly we’ll hang out when they’re at your house. This means half the time your kids get the ultimate, devoted dad, while I get the time to be the free grown-up I want to be, and the other half of the time dad gets to be fulfilled in his romantic life and I get a non-clingy man friend. And if/when we go our separate ways? No messy moving process, no home upheavals. Let’s stop the brainwashing and show kids that divorce doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Let’s show them how good life can be when their parents are truly happy and fulfilled. Let’s show them that love doesn’t have to last forever to be true. And let’s prove it to ourselves while we’re at it. Thank you, Guestwriter Nell Voss http://nellvoss.tumblr.com/

Today I’m posting a fantastic guest essay from one of my favorite followers:

http://nellvoss.tumblr.com/

A former Chicagoan, Voss moved to Los Angeles recently, and she writes a great blog called “Searching for Culture in L.A.” (which is indeed a difficult task). In terms of her search for a perfect mate, she has a rather different perspective than most…

Unwinding the Biological Clock

I don’t really care to get married. I don’t really care to have children. I’m sure of these things, but because of the rigorous brainwashing of society at large I have accepted the idea that I will change my mind around thirty-two, and suddenly my uterus will be screaming about getting filled up until I get to weak to resist and just give that bitch what it wants. The biological clock argument worked pretty well on me when I was a teenager, and really kept working as long as this magical desire was still part of the hazy future. Well, I’m approaching the end of my twenties and I still don’t want any goddamn stretch-mark-making, time-sucking, little monsters to take over my identity. I was not raised in a house in the suburbs with a mom and a dad and a dog and a brother. I think I turned out okay, so why shouldn’t I be able to choose something other than a nuclear family for my own future?

I am a fan of monogamy. I just don’t think that it can really be a permanent state. At some point you will no longer get along, or, at the very least, you will stop having sex. I’m still pretty young, but it seems to me that life without sex is death in disguise. The problem with all of this is that, as a pretty, intelligent, straight woman, I am expected to want all of the things that pretty, straight, intelligent women of previous generations have demanded from sex partners. The truth is I don’t give a shit about that stuff.

The only reason I ever talk about my supposed future children is when I am imagining what I will not do to them. The longing to do better than my parents did is the only time I ever think about having kids. Well, friends, I am happy to report that I have the perfect solution to this conundrum. You see, one of the worst things that my parents bungled was the handling of their respective remarriages. They subjected me and my siblings to their obnoxious new mates without so much as a heads up. They were re-establishing themselves as free adults, a step that would never have been necessary if they hadn’t had to give up on being free adults in order to have children.

That is why I have decided that my ideal childrearing relationship would be a long term partnership with a divorced man who has children. Preferably one who shares custody with the children’s mother. This would allow me the satisfaction of doing the stepmother thing right. It could be revolutionary. I like the idea of being involved in the lives of other people’s children. Other people’s children are my favorite kind of kids.

So go ahead, have children with that dreamy man you’ve found. But when you wake up one morning and realize you hate his guts? Divorce him! Before you’re both old and wrinkled! These are the best years of your life! Get on with it!

There is nothing sexier than a man who can be relied on to do things properly; a man who can be trusted to do the grocery shopping without micromanagement; a man who will know what to do if somebody accidentally swallows something poisonous. So let that sexy man find somebody who finds him attractive, and you go on with your bad self and find somebody who thinks a lady with saggy tits and scarring on her abdomen is just the cat’s meow. If you divorce him and he ends up with me, I will make you this promise:

I will never try to replace you. I will never say bad things about you. I will never interfere with decisions that are the rightful province of you and the sexy man I will be sleeping with. I will never talk about my sexual relationship or in any way be showy with the public displays of affection when the kids are around (or at all, that shit is tacky). I will stay out of the way, but I will provide your children with something too. I will make it clear to them that if they decide that they truly hate me I am gone. I don’t need to ruin the relationship of a dad and his kids. I am not interested in that. I will be like the cool aunt. Or maybe the nerdy aunt, but any way you slice it, you wouldn’t really be upset if your kids had one more aunt, would you?

In addition to the boon of having the chance to positively impact the lives of some kids who have probably had a rough time the last few years, I think there are other bonuses to be found in this scenario. There is no rule that says that partners must live together. I would be happiest living separately but close to my partner, and I think this works well for the hotty divorcee relationship. I don’t even want to move in! I just want to occasionally hang out with your kids, but mostly we’ll hang out when they’re at your house. This means half the time your kids get the ultimate, devoted dad, while I get the time to be the free grown-up I want to be, and the other half of the time dad gets to be fulfilled in his romantic life and I get a non-clingy man friend.

And if/when we go our separate ways? No messy moving process, no home upheavals. Let’s stop the brainwashing and show kids that divorce doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Let’s show them how good life can be when their parents are truly happy and fulfilled. Let’s show them that love doesn’t have to last forever to be true. And let’s prove it to ourselves while we’re at it.

Thank you, Guestwriter Nell Voss

http://nellvoss.tumblr.com/

6 March 10
sexstepmothersex advicemarriagebiological clocknell voss
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Notes

  1. gigiv reblogged this from gettingdowninchitown and added:
    stepmother. But let’s face it, MOST stepmothers are evil. They...our fathers,...
  2. girlwiththeglass reblogged this from gettingdowninchitown
  3. gettingdowninchitown posted this

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I'm Lucy. I live in Chicago and I like to talk about sex. Give me a topic: I'm happy to answer any questions about love, sex, and relationships. Email me at LucyRockwell@gmail.com


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