Cupid Draw Back Your Bow

I have embarked on a new dating adventure. It is called online dating. I know what you’re thinking: “Dang, Lucy. Welcome to the club.” Yes, it took me a long time to jump on the internet dating train, but I’m happy to say that now that train has sailed!

How have I met guys in the past, you ask? Well, generally drunkenly. Not proud of it, but since my last big relationship, my recent dating method has gone like this: get drunk, go to a party, dance around, make out with a guy, bring him home/go home with him/fuck him on a couch at the location of the party. After that, we either date for a while until I decide that I’m not diggin’ it, or we just never hook up again. This scenario could be extended to concerts, art openings, camping trips, etc. In my defense, my liaisons are usually with acquaintances or friends-of-friends. “Wow, good for you, Lucy, you fucking ho-bag,” you think. Yes, it’s true, so I am attempting to restructure my dating methods by meeting guys online and going on good ol’ traditional dates, and I plan to NEVER go home with a guy on ANY first date, no matter how much I like him.

So, I’m on OKCupid (and, no you won’t be able to find my profile, so don’t try). Before this, I was dubious when both of my single roomies, April and Jonathan, made their Cupid profiles. For some reason I thought that using on online dating site was a last resort, and if I had to sign up, it would mean that I had failed somehow. But then I talked to Rod out in Cali, and he told me that all our cool, intelligent, sexy dude friends out there are on OKCupid, and they are going on dates constantly. Rod assured me that there is no stigma attached to this site, and that it really is the way to go for young hipstery types. I realize now that my previous view on it was perhaps uneducated and stubbornly assholish, and I may now have changed my tune.

After a few weeks of creating and recreating my profile, searching for guys based on more and more stringent criteria, and chatting with some of them, I have now been on 3 dates. If nothing else, I see this whole experiment as excellent blog fodder, and I feel like I owe it to my readers to discuss sex, dating, and relationships from many aspects, so here’s the lowdown…

My date with Bachelor #1 may have been planned a little too early. I had yet to learn that a) pictures can lie, and b) messaging back and forth a few times can reveal dealbreakers. I was excited to try it out, so basically I agreed to meet up with the first guy who chatted with me about comic books and was under 40. We met for drinks, and I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him that a second date was not in the cards. Shallow it may sound, but hell. Physical attraction fucking matters, and that’s just the way it is. Trust me, I’ve tried to date guys that I wasn’t that into physically, because they were “nice, sweet, smart, cool, blah blah.” But at the end of the day, if you have to avert your eyes and imagine Fabio when you’re in bed with the guy, you might as well break it off. Yes, I said Fabio. Some of you whippersnappers may need to google him.

So, Bachelor #1 wasn’t pleasing to my eye, unfortunately. But what was I gonna do, run away? No, I decided to go on with the date for practice. We had a few beers and chatted. Frankly, the convo was not flowing either. Every time a small silence came up, dude would blurt out, “So you can ask me anything! Really!” And I’d be like, “OK… do you have any… pets?” Come on, guy! All conversations have pauses, even those with people you know well. But the pauses don’t have to be awkward; I like to use a conversational lull to collect my thoughts, space out, reflect. I don’t think that the world is ending if people stop talking for 30 seconds. But, apparently Bachelor #1 did, and by forcing small-talk made it all the more awkward. I don’t recommend his method of conversating.

I decided to end the date after 3 beers and head home. I was perfectly happy to take the train, but Bachelor #1 tried to convince me to share a cab with him. I thought this was more likely to lead to my unwanted going-home-with-date scenario, so I refused. He ended up taking the train with me, and as we got closer to my stop, it seems he got a little more desperate. He put his arm around me and kind of rubbed the back of my neck, but in a kind of weird, uncomfortable way. Then he tried to entice me to come home with him by saying, “I have lots of stuff we could watch!” Ooh, how exciting; give me a break. A little more awkward conversation, then he kissed me on the lips, I got up, and I got off at my stop with no further ado.

Bachelor #1 sucked. But he did teach me one valuable thing: don’t put in your profile that you like sex. It will attract pervs. He actually blatantly said this to me during the last few awful moments on the train. Basically, he explained that if guys write that they like sex on their dating profile, girls will think it’s creepy. If girls do that, guys will think it’s hot. I had written that “I like good sex” in my original profile (what, it’s true), and realized then that it was a mistake. Dude then proceeded to explain that he liked me cause I was cute and smart, and he also thought (due to the sex comment) that I was “pervy, just like him.”

Ugh, gross. I just hate that word pervy. It’s just not one of my approved terms for myself and what I like to do. I’ve always associated bad, gross things with the word “pervert,” and I shudder when people describe themselves as pervs. Kinky? Great. Sex geek? Fine. Sensual? Lovely. Pervy? Ew, no.

I edited my profile after that, and sex is not explicitly mentioned in my self-summary. But adventurousness is, so interpret that as you will. Got 2 more dates to discuss; stay tuned for Bachelors #2 & #3.

Xoxo, Lucy

30 March 12