Post(s) tagged with "Chicago"
Won’t You Take Me To… KINKYTOWN?
(A Series on Kinky Sex by Lucy Rockwell)
Episode 2, part B: Setting the Ground Rules for a Fun, Safe, Kinky Sex Life
Ideas for Rules About BDSM
BDSM is an acronym for several things: bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism. I’m not going to get too deep into the details of what all these sexual acts entail, but chances are that if you’re kinky, you’re somehow involved in at least a little bit of BDSM.
Rules for BDSM are particularly important because BDSM can be painful, and can even border on the dangerous. If you’re new to BDSM, staarrrttt sssllllooowww. You’ve got all the time in the world to get all crazy kinky up in there. Don’t rush into anything new; discuss it with your partner, and make a game plan. All along the way, stick to the sex rules you make together. The rules can change as the game changes, just be sure to check in with each other about changes often (preferably outside of a sexual situation, wherein y’all’s judgement is not impaired by lust).
Consider the following for BDSM rules:
-What will our safe word be? Safe words are necessary for any BDSM play (see my last post about safe words)
-What kind of bondage gear will we use?
-What if the rope/cuffs are too tight? (Hint: COMMUNICATE. I once had my hand go numb for 3 days cause I didn’t tell someone about a too tight rope. Dumb.)
-How can I physically get out of a bondage situation if needed? (scissors nearby are helpful)
-How much pain is too much?
-What if my feelings are hurt, even though I know we’re playing pretend?
Remember, these are just some general guidelines for the sorts of things you and your partner should discuss for a safe and happy kinky sex life. You may not need to consider all the things I mentioned, or you may need to be much more specific and detailed. It’s really all about your own relationships, and what makes you feel good.
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Next time on Kinkytown…
Ideas for Rules About Multiple Partners
xoxo,
Lucy
~Anonymous
Blowjobs: Revisited
Dear Lucy, This guy and I have had a thing for a while now and have been hanging out quite a bit lately. While things have been going great, he recently asked me to go down on him.. The thing is it will be my first time going down on anyone and I’m kind of nervous about what to do and not equaling up to his expectations. Do you have any tips that could help me?? I’d really appreciate it! :)
Oh, boy, do I have blowjob tips or what?
In fact, my dear, I have a whole ginormous post about giving fantastic head, entitled LUCY’S GUIDE TO AWESOME BLOWJOBS.
Check it out for such highlights as…
-Is biting good?
-To spit or to swallow?
-All aboard the fast train to orgasm town!
-Commitment: it’s not just for relationships.
-Why I spell it “come.”
…and so much more!
I’d love to know what you all think, and get some more feedback on favorite BJ techniques. So read the guide, then tell me:
How do you like to give or get head?
Gettin’ Wise About Condom Size
Hello Lucy,
I have been having sex with my boyfriend for a while now, and we have been using birth control and condoms, playing it safe. Anyway, the other day we were doing it and he said that the condom was feeling tight and that the little reservoir tip didn’t exist cause he had slid all the way into it. Does this mean that we’re using the wrong size?
First of all, mad props to you and your dude for using birth control and condoms! I love when I hear about folks doubling up on the protection. With both birth control (I assume you mean the pill, or perhaps another hormonal method like the shot or the ring) AND condoms, you two are protecting yourselves and each other from the less pleasant after-effects of sex, like unplanned pregnancy, or STI transmission.
Side note: while doubling up on protection methods is great idea, that does NOT mean use two condoms! Never do that- the extra friction can cause the condoms to break and/or come off, defeating the whole purpose.
On to your question:
Yeah, it sounds like the condom may have been too tight. Just like the perfect pair of jeans, different brands and different style will fit and feel different once you’re wearing it.
Try out different style and brands of condoms, until you find something that feels good to your guy. You can also choose ribbed condoms, which feel good for you too (it works!). A too-tight condom will make it uncomfortable for him during sex, and neither of you want that.
For the larger man, I recommend Trojan Magnums (more raving about Trojans here). But don’t use rubbers that are too big either, or they can slip off during sex.
I’m glad you mention the reservoir tip on the condom, because this is something that a lot of condom-users don’t quite understand the importance of. The reservoir tip is a little nipple-shaped end on the condom. Its purpose is to collect the jizz after the guy ejaculates. If the semen doesn’t have a place to collect in the end of the condom, it could squeeze up the sides and out the opening at the top (bottom? depends on the position…), thus getting into/onto your vag. Which was what you were trying to avoid by using a condom in the first place.
If you’re using condoms with no reservoir tip (it should say so on the package), make sure to pinch the end between your fingers while you’re rolling the rubber onto the dick. This makes a little space in the end for the come to go.
Oh man, I have so much to say about condoms! Like this post on “Crying and Condoms.” And this other one on the porn industry.
xoxo, Lucy
My fiancee has a porn addiction and we never have sex anymore. He prefers porn over sex with a real person. WTF am I supposed to do about that?
Well, simply put, ya don’t get married. At least not until the situation has majorly changed.
I don’t know how long you and your fiance have been together, or how long his “porn addiction” has been a problem. But I do know it is a terrible idea to get hitched if you have any sort of giant problem with your sex life looming overhead.
Think about these things: how do you know that he prefers watching porn (and, I assume, masturbation) over sex with a person? Does he jerk it to porn when you’re around, and ignore you? Or does it happen when he’s home alone, and it’s something that you find out about later? Has he told you about porn-over-people explicitly, when you’ve tried to initiate sexy time with him? Or are you guessing?
Perhaps porn-viewing is something you can enjoy together. Not necessarily every single time you’re getting down, but every so often. If it turns him on, and you’re there to turn him on even further, it could be a great sexual experience. I’ve learned that most dudes enjoy porn, and that many of them don’t really connect it to real sex. Some view it simply as a mechanism to get turned on, like you’d use a vibrator. This turn-on mechanism isn’t alive or emotional, it can’t speak to or respond to another person. But combine a real live human’s assistance with a vibe or a porn-playing laptop, and BING! O-face.
I know that my boyfriend watches porn when I’m not home sometimes. Sometimes we watch it together, because the things happening on the screen aren’t things we can replicate in our bedroom (although I’d LOVE a wrestling ring and a latex wardrobe, thank you very much!). I’ve also had the experience of dudes having a bit of a difficult time getting/keeping it up, due to nerves, booze, or what-have-you. Having porn playing in the background seemed to help bring these situations to a successful end.
Of course, all my blathering could be for naught if you, indeed, had a talk with your fiance in which he straight up said: “I prefer jerking off to porn over having sex with you or any other real-live person.” If that is the case, he needs to decide whether this is something he’d like to change for your benefit. Hopefully, this is a habit he’ll want to work on transforming. This may require counselling from a professional, and patience from you. Again, I must reiterate that going through with a marriage is off the table until you two have worked this out to a place of mutual satisfaction.
If he’s not willing to change this habit, or he doesn’t understand why it’s a problem, well, unfortunately it’s time for you to move on. It may be difficult to end a relationship that had gone so far as to turn into an engagement. However, getting married won’t magically solve this problem with your sex life. And you do not want to get yourself stuck in a life without sex.
Good luck,
xoxo Lucy
HAPPY 2012!
New Years Resolutions for Everyone Who Likes Sex
Last year, I came up with 3 simple resolutions for my readers and their lovers:
1. Communicate
2. Be Adventurous
3. Use Protection
Well, I don’t think I want to change those resolutions, cause they are all important, and I believe that we should all strive to stick to all three. Or get on it now, and start resolving to do all three, if you haven’t been already. Read 2011’s entire post here to get the details on why you should adhere to communication, adventure, and protection for all.
However, it is a new year, a new beginning, and time to add a few more resolutions to our sex lives. Here’s what I got for y’all this year:
4. Shop Local
I’ve been on a huge local kick this year. Purchasing things within your community is a great idea: your money goes right back into the region where you live, which, in this fucked-up economic time we’re living in, is a good thing. So, why stop at farmer’s markets and book stores? Buy local at SEX STORES, too! Sure, it’s easy to purchase sex toys, lingerie, porn, and whatever else you need online. However, that money’s going to a faceless computer, not your well-meaning, sex-positive neighbor! You may be shy to go and buy stuff in person, but this is a hurdle worth overcoming. I, personally, love talking with the clerks at adult stores. There’s something so refreshing about chatting it up in public about dildos and lube, when in most places it would be totally inapprope to bring up such subjects.
I plan to take some time this year to write up a little something about many of the sex shops in Chicago, like I did recently for The Erotic Warehouse. I’ll keep you posted on the greatest spots to stock up on all things silicone and leather!
5. Use Technology Wisely
We’re learning more and more about the impact that technology can have on one’s personal life. It seems like each week we hear another article on sexting gone wrong, whether for a teenager or a senator (or both! ew). It is important to be mindful about the ways that your privacy can be compromised due to the ever-developing world of phones, cameras, and networking capabilities. Basically, don’t send naked pictures to anyone you don’t absolutely 100% trust. Don’t leave digital nakey pix on your phone, camera, or any portable devices. Don’t look at sexy stuff at work. Use common sense to protect yourself and those you are involved with.
6. Compliment your Bedmate
This is part of general communication, but also something I’d like to address specifically. It is important to tell your main squeeze what you like about them. The compliments you give them can be about anything: the way they look, smell, dress, smile, or laugh. Things they do well in bed, or an interesting point they brought up in a political discussion at a recent dinner party. Better yet, compliment her/him on a variety of things during the time you spend together. It will make him/her feel secure, comfortable, and more self-confident. She/he will feel happier around you, and will hopefully return the favor and say some nice things about you, too.
Well, my darlings, those are my thoughts on the start of the new year, and the ways to best keep your relationships happy and healthy. I hope 2012 is good one for you and yours!
xoxo,
Lucy
Chi-Town Adventures: The Erotic Warehouse
The other night I was out with some girlfriends. We went to an art opening on Lake St and drank wine, feeling very fancy and sophisticated. But, that was all about to change! I was driving the ladies home, and we found ourselves on the Near West side, like on Randoloh with its odd mix of upscale restaurants and food packing plants. Then, out of the corner of my eye I spotted an anomaly in this already odd part of town: a non-descript brown brick building displaying these words: EROTIC WAREHOUSE.
Needless to say, I spun my truck right around and pulled into the warehouse’s shady parking lot. Giggling and not really knowing what to expect, the ladies and I jumped out of the car and stepped through the front door.
What we encountered was not as terrifying as I was expecting. The Erotic Warehouse is a pretty typical sex supply shop, well-stocked with dildos and videos. It has none of the airs of your froofier sex shops, where everything is displayed on white shelves and lucite stands, and you can test all the vibrators with hand-painted batteries. No, the toys at the Warehouse are all safely enclosed in their packaging, plastered with photos of porn stores in all their glistening glory.
After wandering around for a bit, my gals and I came across the bachelorette party section of the store, in which every item is shaped like a penis. Eureka! Our (straight, male) friend’s birthday party was the next evening, and clearly the penis pinata was the gift to bring. Doubles as a party game! We hunted the warehouse for things to fill it with, and the girl at the counter was happy to suggest the tiny penis-shaped candies (I assume they taste like runts or sweet tarts? Ew, both of those would gross in this context). She told us, grinning, that the candies would scatter around the room when the pinata burst, and you could still find them weeks later, at which you’d say to yourself, “ooh a little dick!”
That register girl, though pretty scary looking, was just a delight. She also kindly advised us to wash the penis straws before use, as many people “test them out” while waiting to be rung up. I took that advice, for sure. We also stuffed the pinata with some “sexy scratchers” bachelorette party lotto tickets, some Magnums I had at home (sorry, Lance doesn’t have any other sizes ;) and leftover Halloween candy. The gift was complete.
Our birthday boy was disturbed, yet touched by our thoughtfulness. We strung the present up on the balcony at his house, and he knocked the pinata right off on the first whack. It then exploded in the street, and the partygoers scrambled to pick up the loot. Needless to say, the straws were the hit of the evening. Perfect for slurping up PBR from a can.
Thanks, Erotic Warehouse.
(1246 W. Randolph)
xoxo,
Lucy
Life. Love. Lust.
I'm Lucy. I live in Chicago and I like to talk about sex. Give me a topic: I'm happy to answer any questions about love, sex, and relationships. Email me at LucyRockwell@gmail.com Follow @LucyRockwell
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