Won’t You Take Me To… KINKYTOWN?
(A Series on Kinky Sex by Lucy Rockwell)

Episode 2, part B: Setting the Ground Rules for a Fun, Safe, Kinky Sex Life

Ideas for Rules About BDSM
BDSM is an acronym for several things: bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism. I’m not going to get too deep into the details of what all these sexual acts entail, but chances are that if you’re kinky, you’re somehow involved in at least a little bit of BDSM.

Rules for BDSM are particularly important because BDSM can be painful, and can even border on the dangerous. If you’re new to BDSM, staarrrttt sssllllooowww. You’ve got all the time in the world to get all crazy kinky up in there. Don’t rush into anything new; discuss it with your partner, and make a game plan. All along the way, stick to the sex rules you make together. The rules can change as the game changes, just be sure to check in with each other about changes often (preferably outside of a sexual situation, wherein y’all’s judgement is not impaired by lust).

Consider the following for BDSM rules:

-What will our safe word be? Safe words are necessary for any BDSM play (see my last post about safe words)
-What kind of bondage gear will we use?
-What if the rope/cuffs are too tight? (Hint: COMMUNICATE. I once had my hand go numb for 3 days cause I didn’t tell someone about a too tight rope. Dumb.)
-How can I physically get out of a bondage situation if needed? (scissors nearby are helpful)
-How much pain is too much?
-What if my feelings are hurt, even though I know we’re playing pretend?

Remember, these are just some general guidelines for the sorts of things you and your partner should discuss for a safe and happy kinky sex life. You may not need to consider all the things I mentioned, or you may need to be much more specific and detailed. It’s really all about your own relationships, and what makes you feel good.
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Next time on Kinkytown…

Ideas for Rules About Multiple Partners

xoxo,

Lucy

11 April 18 Permalink

Bag It Up

Dear Lucy,

I’m thinking about having sex with my boyfriend. If he wears a condom, I wear a female condom, and I go on birth control, do you think I’d be safe from pregnancy? We’re both virgins so I’m not worried about STDs.

Whoa whoa whoa- no double bagging! Do not wear a male condom and a female condom at the same time! These two types of contraceptives are not meant to be used together. The friction of the condoms rubbing on each other can actually cause the latex to break down, and holes could be torn in the condoms. And that is certainly the opposite of what you’re going for.

I know it’s your first time and I’m stoked to see that you and your boyfriend are all set to take the proper precautions. But you don’t have to overdo it. If you’re on hormonal birth control- like the pill or the ring- you’re already 99% protected from pregnancy. Using condoms (female or male style) is a great way to double protect yourselves. If you’ll only be reassured by using a third option as well, go for condoms with spermicidal lubricant, or get a separate tube of spermicide lube.

Another type of safe sex is educated sex. Read about sex in many forums (books, magazines, blogs, etc), and discuss with your boyfriend how you want to go about things. Figure out what size condoms will fit his hard penis correctly (too large or too small= not as effective). Discuss birth control options with your doctor. Get some water-based lube.

Also, be informed about STDs/STIs. Not to scare you, but there are some very common STIs that a person can contract before ever having sex, like herpes and HPV. These really aren’t the end of the world, and most sexually active people have one or both of these viruses at some point in their lives. In any case, even if you and your bf are virgins, it’s a good idea to order the whole menu of STI tests before you and he get down and dirty.

So, be informed, educated, and responsible, and I think that’ll do in terms of keeping pregnancy at bay.

Safety first!

Lucy

22 November 8 Permalink

My Eyes Are Up Here!

I had this funny little reverse-objectification moment the other day that I thought I’d share with you. Remember Kevin? The guy who cured my hiccups at the work holiday party, with whom I went home? Well, since the first few awkward weeks after that one night stand, Kevin and I have finally gotten comfortable around each other at work. This is very good, because he now works much more often, and he’s in closer proximity to me. We see each other constantly, but we’re totally at a place where we can talk and work and even joke around with out any sort of awkwardness, FINALLY.

And let me just say that all the weirdness was coming from his side, believe me. I was all about being friendly, but the dude couldn’t even make eye contact with me for months. It got to the point where I couldn’t imagine that we’d actually hooked up.

Anyway, Kevin and I were chatting in the hallway the other day about something work-related, and pretty serious. While he talked, I zoned about a bit (hey, it happens), and I noticed the buttons on his shirt. These buttons each had three holes in them. OK, I know that doesn’t sound like such a big deal, but think about it. Better yet, look at the buttons on all the shirts in your closet. Two or four holes per button, am I right?? Kevin’s buttons were a total anomaly!

So I realized that Kevin was sort of waiting for me to respond to something he said, and instead I responded, “What’s with your buttons?? They all have three holes!”

He stared at me for a moment, then gestured up toward his face, “Eyes up here while I’m talking to you, Lucy! Eyes up here!”

It was hilarious. I felt like a bit of a jerk when I thought about all the times I’d seethed when I tried to have a conversation with a guy whose eyes were glued to my chest. And here I was doing the same thing to poor Kevin. Needless to say, we both cracked the fuck up. I’m happy to say that my ill-advised one night stand has turned into a bit of a friendship. And sometimes, that’s all you can really ask for.

Xoxo, Lucy

30 May 13 Permalink