Sex Advice Relay: Spring Edition 2011

Happy St. Paddy’s Day! Things are always crazy on this night here in Chicago. It’s like Chicago’s Mardi Gras, for real. I’ve seen multiple trolleys driving about the city, packed with drunk Chads and Trixies, bagpipers on the roof. Rigoddamndiculous. So, no, I am not out partying. I am here, cozy at home, writing to you, my darlin’ wee lads and lassies.

I know it’s been an agonizing 10 days without a post, but I’ve been really swamped. Yeah what else is new? Well, something IS new, that’s a pretty big deal, but you’ll have to wait til my next post to hear about it. In the intervening time, here’s a bunch o’ questions to fill that empty space in your sex-advice hungry heart.

Dear Lucy,

I’m nineteen and I have just started kissing boys (and girls) but I have only had drunken hook-ups. For some reason I haven’t been turned on by any of them. Do you think I need a stronger emotional connection or just a sober one?

You probably need both. It’s real easy to get things started when you’re drinking- your inhibitions are lowered, you can act braver without as much worry, you can always pass off an embarrassing moment as a drunken mishap, or you can even pretend you don’t remember things that went down. If you have just started kissing people, you may not even know what being turned on is like! I would say to step back a bit. Work on getting to know people before making out, and go on some normal, sober dates. Then, once you’ve established that you have some sort of emotional connection with a person, you can move forward into kissy land. There, with a sober connection established, you just may find the horniness you’re searching for.

 
hi i have a question
i wanna lose my virginity w/o a condom, at least for the initial entry. i just feel that it would be best that way. of course, i would put one on afterwards. im just wondering is this safe? if he doesnt masturbate for a week beforehand, would it be okay for that first moment to use no condom? thanks in advance
 
I understand the first part of your question; it may feel more natural to have sex without a condom the first time. Condoms can be uncomfortable and hard to get used to. But, they are super necessary for safe sex. So, I would say that it would be a really really good idea to use one, even the first time. This depends a little on your situation, however. Who is the “he” that you’re planning to have sex with? If you are both virgins, then it would behoove you both to get tested for STDs before going very far sexually. You should also look into other forms of birth control besides condoms. If, AND ONLY IF, you both have a clean bill of health, and you are using a reliable birth control (like the pill, ring, or IUD), then you could consider sex without a condom.

As for the second half of your question, I have yet to figure out what you mean about your dude’s masturbation schedule. The amount your sexual partner masturbates has absolutely no bearing on the possibility of you getting pregnant or STDs from unprotected sex. Even if he does not masturbate for a week, you should still follow my advice above (getting tested and birth control, stat!). In fact, I think that NOT masturbating could actually cause more risk for you! Ejaculating clears your dude’s pipes of bacteria, which keeps his dick cleaner and less likely to transfer things to you. Also, he may be so pent up from the anticipation of having sex and not relieving himself, that he may be more likely to prematurely ejaculate. What I mean is, if all that sexual tension is building up inside him, then it is possible that he could splooge right at the first moment he enters you. And that is the opposite of what you want.

I know this is vague, but how can I get dates? I’m a somewhat attractive, 18 year old college student with no love life. I know it’s because I’m shy and not at all forward. How can I push myself to be a little more out there without it being forced or awkward?

You’re in college! This is the absolute perfect time for you to get out there. You’re 18, so I assume a freshman. Not sure what college you’re at, but some things are universal in universities: the social scene is poppin’ off. Check out the functions that your school sponsors: clubs, art classes, dances, mixers, study groups, sports, trips, the list goes on. Never will you have an experience like the beginning of college again, where there is a whole organizational structure just to say “Here! Have some friends!” Don’t necessarily go into a new group experience expecting to meet your romantic match right off the bat. Rather, think about just building friendships with new people who are into the same sorts of things as you. Start hanging with like-minded folks, and relationships will develop. Eventually, you may find a spark with a new friend, or get introduced to friends-of-friends that you hit it off with as well. It’ll be a little awkward at first, but take baby steps, and don’t pressure yourself too hard. Just take advantage of the opportunities that surround you whenever you can.

So there’s this guy at my school and he stares. He knows I stare too and I stare cause I’ve got a crush on him, and I don’t talk to him at all, but why does he stare and don’t do anything? Could it be that he has staring problems?

Uh, why do YOU stare and don’t do anything? If you’re staring at this crush-worthy dude, and he’s staring back, chances are he’s into you, too. Or maybe he just keeps catching you staring at him, and he thinks that YOU have a staring problem! Get up and talk to the guy, for cryin’ out loud.

xoxo, Lucy

17 March 7 Permalink

Now Stop Worrying and Start Studying, College Girl!

Dear Lucy,

I have the perfect relationship. Well I did until we went to college at different ends of the country. We broke up to explore in college. It was really hard at first, its getting easier. But I still completely love him. I have been exploring a little but the only boy I would ever want in my bed is my ex. We were each others firsts. I love him so much, but I am afraid that either I will never get over him and never be able to love anyone else. Or that I will lose him. What should I do?

This sounds almost exactly like my own college experience. When I went to school in California, and my first boyfriend, Jeff, went to New York, we decided to tough it out and stay together the first year. This involved many long distance phone cards (I didn’t get a cell phone til sophomore year!), lots of listening to Radiohead in the dark and crying, and the purchase of my first vibrator. I was so in love in Jeff, I couldn’t see myself with anyone else, he was my first! Sound familiar?

So what happened? Well, I had another first: my first drunken one night stand. This prompted me to discuss the possibility of Jeff and I “exploring” on our respective campuses. He was into it, and we both messed around with a few people, while still being in love and in regular communication with each other. We officially broke up at the beginning of sophomore year. It was really hard, but it was a really good idea.

Long distance relationships are extremely difficult. Why do two people get into a relationship in the first place? Usually because they enjoy spending time with that special someone. So when you don’t actually get to physically be with your someone, what makes you stay together? Are you satisfied with only seeing them a couple times a year? That means that for the majority of the year, you’re lonely, sexually unfulfilled, and sad. And let’s not even get into the communication aspect of it. The amount of silly fights one can get into over instant messenger… oy vey. No, you cannot tell what the other person’s tone of voice is suggesting, because you can’t hear their goddamn voice!

But let’s get back to that big question: why stay in a long distance relationship? Probably because you’re scared. You’re scared that no one will love you again like that first love. Then you’ll never feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone new. So here’s the good news: you totally totally will. I guarantee it!

Of course, I don’t know you, dear reader, but I do know the feelings you’re having because I’ve been there. Jeff still holds a special little corner of my heart, but I am a completely different person than my 18-year-old self, and the thought of dating Jeff at this point is laughable. I think it was a wise move to break up with your bf. It’s totally OK to be in love with your ex for a good while, and to still explore with other boys (and girls! It’s college!). The heartache will start to ease as you find your place in your new community, and you just may find someone to replace that loneliness, too.

Xoxo,

Lucy

30 November 18 Permalink