Gettin’ Wise About Condom Size

Hello Lucy,
I have been having sex with my boyfriend for a while now, and we have been using birth control and condoms, playing it safe. Anyway, the other day we were doing it and he said that the condom was feeling tight and that the little reservoir tip didn’t exist cause he had slid all the way into it. Does this mean that we’re using the wrong size?

First of all, mad props to you and your dude for using birth control and condoms! I love when I hear about folks doubling up on the protection. With both birth control (I assume you mean the pill, or perhaps another hormonal method like the shot or the ring) AND condoms, you two are protecting yourselves and each other from the less pleasant after-effects of sex, like unplanned pregnancy, or STI transmission.

Side note: while doubling up on protection methods is great idea, that does NOT mean use two condoms! Never do that- the extra friction can cause the condoms to break and/or come off, defeating the whole purpose.

On to your question:

Yeah, it sounds like the condom may have been too tight. Just like the perfect pair of jeans, different brands and different style will fit and feel different once you’re wearing it.

Try out different style and brands of condoms, until you find something that feels good to your guy. You can also choose ribbed condoms, which feel good for you too (it works!). A too-tight condom will make it uncomfortable for him during sex, and neither of you want that.

For the larger man, I recommend Trojan Magnums (more raving about Trojans here). But don’t use rubbers that are too big either, or they can slip off during sex.

I’m glad you mention the reservoir tip on the condom, because this is something that a lot of condom-users don’t quite understand the importance of. The reservoir tip is a little nipple-shaped end on the condom. Its purpose is to collect the jizz after the guy ejaculates. If the semen doesn’t have a place to collect in the end of the condom, it could squeeze up the sides and out the opening at the top (bottom? depends on the position…), thus getting into/onto your vag. Which was what you were trying to avoid by using a condom in the first place.

If you’re using condoms with no reservoir tip (it should say so on the package), make sure to pinch the end between your fingers while you’re rolling the rubber onto the dick. This makes a little space in the end for the come to go.

Oh man, I have so much to say about condoms! Like this post on “Crying and Condoms.” And this other one on the porn industry.

xoxo, Lucy

20 March 3 Permalink

Wet and Wild

Hey Lucy,
I’m not sure if you’ve answered this before, but I was wondering if there’s a safe way to have sex in water? I wasn’t sure if condoms still would work or not.
Thanks! 

Good question! I’m glad you’re researching this, before just going out and trying it. I remember in high school when two of my classmates devirginized each other in a hot tub on our senior trip (scandalous!). The girl told me about it, and I asked her if she was worried about getting pregnant. She said, “No, he came really fast, and it was in water, so it should be fine, right?”

My answer was, “What?!” because neither “coming fast” nor “having sex in water” prevent pregnancy in the least. Or sexually transmitted anythings, for that matter. And that story, folks, is honest to god one of the reasons behind my becoming a sex advice lady. So I can hopefully prevent people from making mistakes in hot tubs (and beyond!). On to your question…

I have tried water sex a few times, but never with condoms. If you’re engaging in safe sex for purely non-pregnancy-causing purposes, I would suggest another form of more reliable birth control for your extra wet adventures, ‘cause a condom is not going to do the job properly.

If you’re getting down in a hot tub or pool, the water treatment chemicals may break down your rubber’s latex. Similarly, in a sudsy bathtub, the soap chemicals could do the same thing. And even if you’re sloshing around in pure H20 with no additives, the movement of sex could cause water to get into the condom, which could make it fall off. And, water washes off most lubricants, so the condom-sheathed dick would probably be causing uncomfortable friction anyhow.  

Now, if you’re engaging in safe sex for pregnancy AND std reasons (which I hope you are), non-condom birth control is not going to protect you from diseases or infections. There is no guarantee that the water is going to wash away the possibility of transmission, so don’t even think that way. Get yourself (and whoever your water-partner is) tested before the skinny-dipping commences.

xoxo,
Lucy

3 July 42 Permalink

Bag It Up

Dear Lucy,

I’m thinking about having sex with my boyfriend. If he wears a condom, I wear a female condom, and I go on birth control, do you think I’d be safe from pregnancy? We’re both virgins so I’m not worried about STDs.

Whoa whoa whoa- no double bagging! Do not wear a male condom and a female condom at the same time! These two types of contraceptives are not meant to be used together. The friction of the condoms rubbing on each other can actually cause the latex to break down, and holes could be torn in the condoms. And that is certainly the opposite of what you’re going for.

I know it’s your first time and I’m stoked to see that you and your boyfriend are all set to take the proper precautions. But you don’t have to overdo it. If you’re on hormonal birth control- like the pill or the ring- you’re already 99% protected from pregnancy. Using condoms (female or male style) is a great way to double protect yourselves. If you’ll only be reassured by using a third option as well, go for condoms with spermicidal lubricant, or get a separate tube of spermicide lube.

Another type of safe sex is educated sex. Read about sex in many forums (books, magazines, blogs, etc), and discuss with your boyfriend how you want to go about things. Figure out what size condoms will fit his hard penis correctly (too large or too small= not as effective). Discuss birth control options with your doctor. Get some water-based lube.

Also, be informed about STDs/STIs. Not to scare you, but there are some very common STIs that a person can contract before ever having sex, like herpes and HPV. These really aren’t the end of the world, and most sexually active people have one or both of these viruses at some point in their lives. In any case, even if you and your bf are virgins, it’s a good idea to order the whole menu of STI tests before you and he get down and dirty.

So, be informed, educated, and responsible, and I think that’ll do in terms of keeping pregnancy at bay.

Safety first!

Lucy

22 November 8 Permalink

Under Control

Dear Lucy,

You mentioned earlier that you are/were not on birth control. Are there specific reasons why not? Any recommendations on brands? Thanks!

Yeah, there are several reasons why I’m not on birth control. Birth control frustrates the hell out of me. I don’t think any of the methods currently available for women are 100% awesome, and I think it’s really unfair that there no birth control methods available (or even developed) for use by men.

Except condoms, I guess. I’m not knocking condoms: condoms are great! I have several rants about them (see the archive), and I always say the same thing: use ‘em. They’re the only contraceptive that also protects against STIs! They’re handy and often free. But they’re only up to 85% effective against pregnancy. And they don’t feel as good as going bareback, of course. If you’re having regular sex with a regular partner, I recommend looking into some more effective forms of birth control.

There are several methods of hormonal birth control: the pill, ring, patch, shot and implant. (Check out this kick ass site that compares them! http://www.arhp.org/hormonalcontraception/ )All of these methods (taken or administered to women in different ways) contain the hormones estrogen and/or progesterone. To make a long story short, the hormones suppress ovulation, or change your cervical mucus or uterine lining. Without all of these aspects of your reproductive system working in tandem, a fertilized egg (when your lover’s sperm meets your egg) can’t develop in your womb. So you don’t get preggers.

Many many many girls and women use hormonal birth control. It is easy to obtain, and easy to use. It regulates your period, and some women even use it to stop their period from happening at all during parts of the year. It is over 99% effective, and that is a pretty fantastic statistic.

I have been on and off hormonal birth control (the pill and the ring) since I was 17, as have most of my friends. Hormones found in birth control have yet-to-be-determined long term effects on young women’s bodies. The known side effects are often significant and frustrating; no girl I know wants to deal with weight gain, mood swings, depression, breakthrough bleeding, nausea, or other possible B.S. Some women even experience a decreased libido, and if you don’t want to have sex cause you’re on birth control, that kinda defeats the whole fucking purpose!

Life has enough ups and downs as it is, and I (and all women) experience hormonal changes every month as part of our menstrual cycle. I just don’t feel comfortable adding more hormones to my body, and never knowing if my emotions are real or manufactured. I used to get super depressed about silly trivialities, and I cried at the drop of a hat. Those things don’t happen to me anymore, for which I am unendingly grateful. And now, I can’t help but wonder if the synthetic hormones surging through me for so many years are to blame.

So, dear readers, that is why I am not on birth control.

Or should I say WAS not on birth control. Because now I’m with Lance and only Lance, and we’re ready to go beyond condoms. So I’m thinking about the IUD.

Here’s the deal, from what I’ve learned so far. IUD stands for intrauterine device. It is a little T-shaped plastic thing wrapped in copper wire, and it goes inside your uterus. A doctor has to insert it and remove it. But, once it’s in there, you can leave an IUD inside you for up to 5 years! No changing it, no pills, no hormones, nothing more to buy. The device disrupts attaching of the egg to your uterine lining, and is 99.4% effective.

There’s actually 2 types of IUDs, one of which, Mirena, has a low dose of hormones in it. I’m not interested in Mirena, for obvious reasons (see above), so I’m looking into Paragard. This brand has been around for a long time, and I’ve heard a few bad stories of women in my mom’s generation who didn’t have good experiences with the IUD. So that makes me nervous. But apparently there’s been a resurgence of IUD usage among younger women, and the birth control method has improved.

Doctors say that IUDs work better if you’ve already had one child. The side effects (the main ones are heavy bleeding during your period and major cramps) are less, and it’s easier to insert cause your cervix is more open. But, I have 4 girlfriends with IUDs all up in their wombs as we speak, and they all seem pretty stoked about it. Yes, they confirm that the cramps and bleeding can be worse than usual. But they all also confirm that it’s worth it to not have to worry about birth control, and to not have to go through the weird hormonal side effects from the pill or Nuvaring.

So, yeah, I’m nervous about the procedure to get the IUD inserted. But Lance assures me he’ll pick me up and buy me dinner, so that’ll help. And I’m nervous that the zombie apocalypse might come, and then how am I going to get the IUD out if I have to repopulate the world and all the doctors are dead!? But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. And I’ll definitely get back atcha about how the IUD is working for me and my man.

Be safe,

Xoxo, Lucy

12 October 30 Permalink

Trojan Girl Forever

The results are in! In response to my question about condom preferences, absolutely everyone said Trojans are the best. 

(see this post: http://gettingdowninchitown.tumblr.com/post/696050012/break-on-through-to-the-other-side-my-ranting)

One reader even put this question to a scientific test:

“trojans are absolutely best cause i know how you feel. I’ve had to take the pill after lifestyle broke on me and my bf. then after this situation we had a lil test my bf but his fist into a lifestyle condom and it definitely tore after he put up to his wrist in it, with a trojan he got all of his fist and forearm up to his elbow into it. And the trojan didn’t even break until he opened up his fist and had to put effort in shoving his fingers through.”

Can’t deny what the general public believes. Lifestyles and Durex might as well just go out of business. So be safe out there, my Trojan Warriors, and always wear a shield.

xoxo, Lucy

22 June 15 Permalink

Break On Through to the Other Side

My ranting about condoms is apparently unending. So here it is: another story about condoms and my love/hate relationship with them.

So, sex with my latest flame, James, is fucking fantastic. We’ve been dating for a few weeks now, and I am very pleased about the way things are going in bed. We seem to have the same ideas about what we want sexually, and what we want to give each other, and how often (lots!).

James and I both have fairly extensive condom stashes, the contents of which were acquired for free from various sources. There’s never been any discussion about whether or not to use them; we’ve just been usin’ em. Lots of ‘em. All different brands and colors and textures. And then: a minor disaster. We were banging doggystyle, and things were feeling really great. James finished and pulled out, only to discover, to our dismay, that the rubber had broken! No wonder it felt so damn good! Ugh.

I’m not on birth control at this time, so I picked up a pack of Plan B the next day. For those of you who may not know, Plan B is known by other such monikers as Emergency Contraception, the 72-Hour Pill, and the Morning After Pill. This contraceptive measure is 1 or 2 pills of high-ass doses of progestin, estrogen, or both (the same hormones found in other forms of hormonal birth control, like the pill, patch, shot, or ring). A lady who is not already on birth control, and who is concerned that she may be accidentally knocked up (usually from condom breakage or dumb drunk sex), has up to 72 hours from the time of the “accident” to take these pills in order to prevent pregnancy.

There are good and bad things about the Morning After Pill. On the whole, I am very grateful that it exists. Even so, I wish I didn’t have to take it. It’s kind of expensive, and the hormones make you a little cray-cray. The day after I popped the pills, I felt pretty out of it, tired and a little light-headed. But it was super easy to get the pills; they’re available without a prescription at any pharmacy. No doctors, no waiting.

I was pleased by the ease of obtaining the pills. When I was in college, I had to pick up the Morning After a couple times from the school health clinic. Each time they’d have you come behind the counter and sit in this chair behind a wall divider. The pharmacist would give every unfortunate young lady a little talk about how the pills worked, and ask the girl questions about what happened to make them end up in this situation. I believe this was intended as a method of sexual education for these burgeoning sexual beings, but I rather felt like I had to sit in the chair of shame. Yeah, I knew I fucked up when I got a dude’s jizz all up in my business. Give me the damn pills and let me go back to my dorm room!

But, now I am older and more responsible. I shelled over $46 (as a girlfriend reminded me: a lot cheaper than a $400 abortion, or 18 years of supporting a kid!). James was a totally sweet and responsible male sexual partner, and he offered to pay for half before I even went to the pharmacy.

GUYS: this is the right thing to do- always! If you are sleeping with a girl regularly, you should pay for half the birth control, no matter what kind! I mean it: condoms, pills, IUD procedure, abortion. For real. It takes your sperm plus her egg to make the baby. Be a man and take half the responsibility.  

Anyway, I took the pills and felt a little weird, but now I feel fine. James and I agreed to never use Durex condoms again (the culprit in this whole debacle). Then, last night we were doing it again, in the same position, and another condom broke! FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Luckily, James realized this before he came, so I didn’t have to go through all the pill BS again. But this time it was a Lifestyles brand condom. This leaves us with very little trust in the condom industry- these are 2 of the 3 major brands!

James made the assertion that perhaps his dick is more evolved than others, and his genes are selecting to make him bust through rubbers. I thought maybe I had destructive vagina lube that breaks down latex. Either way, we have vowed to stick with Trojans until the end of time. Or until I decide on another method of birth control, but that is a discussion for another day.

Be safe,

Lucy

Favorite condom brands, y’all?

13 June 29 Permalink

In my ongoing effort to get the people of this world to stop acting like babies, man-up, and use protection, here it is…

Crying and Condoms Edition 2: The Porn Industry

The debate continues: should condom use be required in the adult film industry? While it is not technically a law that porn actors have to roll on a rubber when performing onscreen, it has been “highly recommended” by several health associations that they do so.

In California (location of the country’s porn capital, the San Fernando Valley), it is required that all porn actors, male and female, get tested for HIV and other STIs every 30 days. Adult film actors can’t “work” if they haven’t been tested in the last month, or if they test positive for a sexually transmitted disease. There’s even a website set up for porn actors to check out the testing status of their costars before hopping into bed (or pool-house, or dungeon) with them.

Condoms, however, are not mandatory in porn. Sure, they’re highly recommended, and any porn actor that requests condom use is accommodated for. Fantastic. But the bottom line is that porn doesn’t sell as well if a dude is banging a chick with a little raincoat on his dick. The adult film industry wants to make money, first and foremost! If they think that a condom law will hurt their sales, they’re not gonna support it.

Many porn actors are also on board with a condom-optional policy. Some claim that condoms make sex uncomfortable or painful. It is also widely believed that the use of condoms in a video “ruins the fantasy” for us, the porn viewers. I guess they think that somebody enjoying a quiet night in with “Pirates” won’t be able to get off as hard if the Captain of the Ship sheaths his sword in latex before sticking it into the Naughty Siren.

In gay porn, however, condom use is the norm. Most actors in man-on-man anal scenes use condoms, and I don’t get why straight porn actors don’t follow suit. My roommate, Jonathan, claims that it’s because gay guys have better hygiene. Perhaps some people still think of HIV as being more of a “gay issue,” and thus gay porn viewers are more willing to accept condom use in their favorite films. Either way, the fact is that straight porn stars are as likely to contract STIs as their gay counterparts; many actors do gay and straight porn, and most have vaginal and anal sex.

Oral sex is another issue. Semen is often a result or oral sex (if yer doing it right), and semen is a fluid that can transmit STIs. Despite this, condoms are pretty much never used for oral sex in porn, because this sex act is considered “low risk” in comparison to vaginal and anal. According to my research, this is part of the reason that facials are so popular in porn: by busting a nut onto your costar’s face, instead of in her/his mouth, you are actually keeping them safer.

Yes, testing helps prevent the spread of HIV and its other nasty friends, but I don’t think the monthly tests are enough. If a porn actor acquires a disease or infection through sex, they and their costars may not find out about it until weeks later, when it’s too late to prevent or treat it.

If I was watching porn and the dude paused the action to Trojan his Horse, I think I’d be delighted. I’d say to myself: “Well! That’s one health-conscious sex worker!” And then I’d continue watching the film with a contented feeling, knowing that the actors in that film were getting paid to do their job and have fun, while providing entertainment to me, the viewer, AND taking care of themselves in the process.

 Xoxo, Lucy

4 May 12 Permalink

Crying and Condoms

I recently found out that an acquaintance of mine (“Carol”) is in her mid-twenties and has only had one serious relationship, which only lasted a few months. Not that that’s bad, it is the way the relationship ended that was unfortunate. Carol and her boyfriend had been dating a month or so before they were ready to have sex. This I find to been perfectly reasonable, and, frankly, I wish I had a few more month-long chaste courtships under my belt. But they always seem to get under my belt (ha) the first night we meet, and the dating comes later… Anyway, Carol’s story continues in this way:

The special night has come, and the couple is ready to seal the deal. Then Carol’s boyfriend declares that he cannot and will not use condoms. What?! She explains that she feels quite the opposite way, and he tops off his ricockulous declaration by crying. Thus the relationship ended.

Here’s what my reaction was: what a fucking pansy asshole! I’m all for guys being able to express their emotions, and a guy who never cries is probably not to be trusted either. But to use crying as a form of manipulation to get a girl to go bareback on the first attempt? Despicable.

Here’s the brutal truth, Carol and all other readers: condoms suck. They really do. No one likes to use them, for a myriad of reasons. They provide less feeling for the guy and less lubrication for the girl, they smell weird, they taste bad, their use prevents a certain moment of spontaneity. And yet, we must all get over these things, because for most sexually active young people, they are a way of life. And a way of retaining the type of life you want to continue having (i.e. a life with less babies and STDs to spoil the fun).

Also, it is the responsibility of men and women alike to have condoms available. Being a woman, I may be biased, but having to deal with other sorts of birth control I sometimes feel like guys should deal with buying the rubbers. I’ve got ‘em in a box next to the bed, to be sure, but it is relieving when I don’t even have to go there cause my partner’s already got it handled.

Hilarious moment from my younger years: my first boyfriend, “Jeff,” was terrified of buying condoms. I usually did it, until one day I insisted it was his turn. I perused the nail polish at Walgreens while waiting for him, but a lot of time had passed and I was starting to wonder what was taking him so long. I find him awkwardly standing by the magazines, holding a pack of gum.

“WTF?” says I. (Actually, this was before the abbreviation was in wide circulation, so I probably said the whole words)

“You’re not going to believe this,” says Jeff, “ but there are NUNS in the condom aisle!”

He looked extremely distraught. I sighed, peeked around the corner at the “family planning” rack and saw two elderly nuns, wimples and all, discussing the band-aids next door to the Trojans. I walked confidently down the aisle, grabbed a box of For-Her-Pleasures, and stalked away. The nuns ceased talking when I walked by, but whatever.

21 December 5 Permalink