I’ll Take Mine King-Sized, Thank you…

Hello my dears,

Thought you might want a little update on what my boyfriend, Lance, and I have been doing lately. Well, we just got back from a four-day trip with his family. The trip was pretty great, lots of good places to eat and wonderful things to see, but really there was one highlight for me: the hotel bed.

Our hotel was pretty decked out, and beautiful. I was super excited to stay there, and when Lance and I entered our hotel room, I almost xdied with happiness. Taking up most of the room was a huge, four-poster, pillow-top, fluffy, down-comforter-covered, warm, giant, luxurious, delightful king-sized bed! At that point I sighed dramatically, realizing that, yes, I would have to go out at some point during the trip. I could not spend the whole time in the beautiful bed, but I could sure as hell spend as much time as possible in it!

I may sounds overly excited, but you have to understand that at home Lance and I sleep in a double-bed, the same from when I was twelve. It has a gorgeous brass bed frame, so I’m reluctant to upgrade to something more adult sized. Besides, it makes king-sized adventures in hotels that much more fun!

From that point on, whenever Lance and I were freed of our sight-seeing duties, we went up to our room and dropped our clothes in a trail from the door to the bed. You could do anythign while lying in this bed: read, write, knit, watch the enormous TV, drink tea, eat snacks. I was fond of lying completely sideways or diagonally, as this giant piece of furniture may have been wider than it was long. I also like burying myself in the sheets and blankets, and making Lance guess where my head and feet were. 

Then, of course, we had lots of spectacular sexy time in the giant bed, as well. It was so cushy and comfy and bouncy, and we could orient ourselves any direction. And don’t think those posts on the corners of the bed frame were neglected; in a situation like this, I am of the mind that some tying up simply must be done. Not having come prepared with any rope or cuffs of anything (what were we thinking??), we had to make do with shoelaces. That worked fine, but my advice if you’re using something thin, like shoelaces, to tie someone up is to be careful about how tight you tie. You always want to keep your circulation to your hands and feet going healhtily, so keep the knots loose. If you give yourself into the fun and fantasy of the experience, you don’t have to necessarily be tied in such a way that you actually can’t get free. Even if the rope is loose, you’ll still feel like you’re in bondage, and that’s what really matters.

So, that’s it for now. We’re back home in Chicago, in our regular double bed. Sigh. Maybe some elf will leave a king-sized under the tree…

xoxo,

Lucy

22 December 7 Permalink

Until You’re Mine, I Draw the Line

Dear Lucy,

I’ve been on 2 dates with a guy I could end up dating long-term. On our 2nd date I conveniently forgot my apartment key; ending up staying the night at his place. We made out, he fingered and caressed me, and I gave him a couple of hand jobs. I feel comfortable with the casualness of the night, but I denied him when he asked for a blow job (price of admission is eating me out!). I want to experiment more with him (I’m a virgin). How do I tell him I’m drawing the line until we’re more official?

Based on what you’ve written, I am a bit confused about where you want to actually “draw the line” with the guy you’re seeing.

You’re already involved in sexual acts with this dude, and it sounds like it’s going well so far. You gave each other manual stimulation, and you said you felt comfortable.

Then you denied a blow job, supposedly because you wanted to balance it out with receiving oral, as well. That’s totally reasonable, but is this something you explained to him? Did he know you wanted it, and he denied it? Or did you not bring it up fully and honestly?

Also, when you say you “conveniently forgot your apartment key,” was this intentional and you wanted to stay the night at his place, or did he convince you to went you weren’t to keen on it? These are important aspects of your blossoming relationship that you need to consider seriously before moving forward. Essentially, are you going to take control of your own wants and needs, or let yourself be swayed when you’re not really feeling it?

It’s great that you want to experiment, and if you’re comfortable with your new man-friend, then you should totally go for it. When it comes down to it, my main piece of advice on how to tell him you’re drawing the is to tell him you’re drawing the line.

It’s your responsibility to explain to him what you want out of your relationship, romantically and sexually. And then you need to listen, and have a conversation and what he wants. If you find that you are on the same page about being safe and honest, and you are both genuinely interested in making each other happy, then you will be in a good place to move forward. It’s not fair, however, to lead him on, making him think that you want something that you will later deny or revoke.

Maybe it sounds contrived, but it never fails to be true: the key to any relationship in life is communication. Use it well.

xoxo, Lucy

5 November 5 Permalink

I received this text message today:

“I hate you for doing this to me. We had all summer to try. I can’t live. You suck right now.”

My immediate reaction was a brief panic. Who had I spurned so badly? Then, I took a look at the phone number from which the text came. Local, yes, but not anyone in my phone book. Which means it was a wrong number. Or someone I’d deleted from my phone book, hoping to never communicate with him again, but we’ll assume that’s highly unlikely.

This mistakenly sent message got me thinking. Clearly, the sender was heartbroken. They’d been dumped or rejected by someone they had major feelings for, and the sender was deep into his/her pain phase of the break up. The phase wherein you send terrible messages like this one. What good is a message like this going to do? The hating and sucking parts: sure, fair enough. The summer part: a bit cryptic, we’ll get back to that later. The declaration that the sender doesn’t want to live: unacceptable.

In the midst of a break up, it is never fair to tell someone you want to die. Even if you really feel that way at the time, you’re not actually going to die from a broken heart. If you tell the person on the other side of your break up that you want to kill yourself, however, what are they supposed to do about it? That is a super sucky thing to put them through. To avoid confusing hypothetical pronouns, I’m going to use myself as an example…

Let’s say I was dumping a guy. And it wasn’t pretty. Feelings were hurt, things were misunderstood, he was having trouble letting go. He may, in a fit of desperation, tell me that he was so miserable about our break up that he wanted to die. I, being empathetic to a fault, would then feel worried about the guy’s welfare. I’d feel responsible if he were to (god forbid) attempt to hurt himself. I would feel obligated to pick up the phone of he called, or to respond to texts. If I didn’t respond, I’d be sitting there worrying that he might try something stupid. And there I’d be, ensnared in his net, unable to truly break free without feeling horribly guilty. And probably, perhaps without even realizing it, that’s what the guy I was attempting to dump was trying to make happen with his inconsiderate morbid whining.

I realize that got a little ranty there. You are now wondering if this has happened to me. Not exactly, but something similar did occur. And I’m clearly still a little pissed about it. The moral is: do not threaten to hurt yourself as a way to manipulate your bf/gf into staying with you. Moving on…

So: “We had all summer to try.” Being that this is the beginning of summer, this poor chap must have just gotten dumped recently. It sounds like the couple had intended to keep the relationship going through the summer, but now, no dice. I say: summer is the best time for lovin’! You’re free, man (or maybe it’s a gal who wrote it)! Have a fling! Hang out at beer gardens in the out-of-doors! Don’t moon over what was lost- you’re young! (maybe; I have no idea how old this person is) You’re beautiful! (perhaps; again, no real profile on the sender) You’re about to embark on a new frontier! (that one seems pretty certain)

Anyway, enough analyzing. I haven’t responded to this mystery text, but now I’m wondering if I should. Did the person realize their mistake and resend to the true receiver? Are they still wallowing in grief? Could I help by responding? Would it be kind of fun to respond anyway?

xoxo, Lucy

P.S. Opening up the floor on this one, readers. What do you think? Should I respond, and what should I say?

9 June 42 Permalink

Gettin’ Rid of Old Baggage

Dear Lucy,

My boyfriend still has his ex’s clothes in his closet & her stuff in the bathroom. I told him that it made me uncomfortable to see another girl’s clothes in his room. He said he didn’t like having it around either and agreed w/ me that he should ditch the stuff but has yet to actually do it. He is generally slow at taking care of things around the house so I’m not surprised he hasn’t done it yet but I still want the stuff gone. Would it be wrong if I initiated the process (like bagged everything up)? I don’t know much about about the previous relationship but I know it was a big source of stress for him and I think he has just been avoiding dealing with the stuff. I don’t want him to think I’m invading his space or privacy but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable either.
 
In a way, I understand your boyfriend’s behavior. Objects can really hold memories, and it could be really hard to go through his ex’s junk without stirring up unwanted reflections of the past. And, since it sounds like his history with this girl was not so great, dealing with her left-behind possessions could be emotional and uncomfortable for him.

But, at the same time, her stuff is making YOU uncomfortable. Which is completely understandable. I mean, ick! Who wants to see remnants from your partner’s past loves lying around? Not me (see my post about moving in with my boyfriend, from last week), and, clearly, not you.

You’ve asked him already to bag up the ex’s crap. He hasn’t done so, and you both want it gone. I think that now, it is totally OK for you to take the initiative on this one. However, I think it would be a bad idea to just toss all her shit into boxes without running it by your bf first.

The approach for this conversation is important; he’s trying not to think about it, and chances are he won’t be too keen on talking about it. Bring it up gently, and not accusingly. Tell him that you feel uncomfortable with her stuff around his place, and that you’d be more comfortable if it was no longer present. Then tell him that you’ll take care of the removal of said items if that’s OK with him, or you’ll help him pack it up, but that either way it has to happen right away.

xoxo, Lucy

12 April 5 Permalink

Moving Day!

So, I mentioned that perhaps something significant was going on in my life, and here it is: I’m moving in with my boyfriend. Yeah, it’s kind of a big deal, you might say.

Lance and I have been dating for about 7 months, and that might seem a bit soon to be taking this serious step. In fact, I’ll bet that a year ago I would’ve advised just about any couple in the same situation that it was too soon to move in together after only 7 months of dating. But, my relationship with Lance has never been ordinary; we knew we were in love from the moment we met, and we knew we wanted to live together at about month number 2. Just had to wait for our leases to be up on our current apartments, and here we go!

Moving in with your significant other is, of course, cause for celebration. It also brings up worries, though. I think there are things you’ll really never know about each other until you’re actually living together. Even if you already spend just about every night in the same bed, there will still be surprises when you’re sharing the bed and the rest of the apartment.

A few worries one might have about the Big Move (and possible solutions/compromises):

1. Little weird habits
You may think you really know the guy/gal, but everyone’s got some quirky behaviors about their home routine. The first thing that comes to my mind is a dude leaving the toilet seat up. Cliche, yes, but ridiculously annoying for a lady taking a pee in the night. I think Lance is already considerate about this possible annoyance, but who knows what else is in store for me to discover! He’s already expressed to me his concern about my habit of not screwing caps onto bottles and jars all the way. And I’d feel terrible if he dumped a cup of salt into something he was cooking because of my carelessness, so I’m trying to be more conscious of screwing caps onto the condiments.

2. House maintenance
OK, number one problem with co-habitating with any other humans. Goddamn, deciding who should be doing the dishes just never gets easier. I’m quite picky about keeping my kitchen clean, and I cannot begin preparing a meal if the counter’s got crumbs on it and the dishes are piled up. Then again, I loathe mopping and don’t ever think about dusting surfaces. I think Lance and I may be at the same slobbishness level; at least I hope so. I do think it is easier to talk about chores with your bf/gf than with platonic roommates. And by talk, I mean snap at them when you’re grumpy and have to wash a goddamn glass to drink some goddamn water cause nobody ran the dishwasher.

3. Paying for stuff
I learned my lesson from a past relationship, and I am now much more careful about sharing money with my boyfriend. We intend to keep separate bank accounts for the time being (who knows if that’ll ever change). Most of the time, Lance and I just switch off playing for stuff we’re doing together, like groceries, meals out, and stuff for the new apartment. If one of us pays a significant chunk more for something, we pay each other back eventually. So far, so good. Then again, we make about the same amount of money, so I think we have it easier than some couples who might get resentful of one another. As for bills, we’ll each take charge of certain recurring expenses (gas, electric, netflix, internet…) and work out who owes whom every month. At least that’s the plan.

4. Upsetting keepsakes
I’m not talking about drawings from grade school; that’s cute stuff. I’m more worried about finding things from exes. I mean, both Lance and I were with many other people before we met, and that’s fine. Actually, that’s great. I’m really glad we had prior life and love experience, because if we hadn’t I don’t think we’d be so sure of settling down together. But, it’s still a bit jarring to find some sweet token of affection from someone Lance used to love. I’ve stumbled upon a few already in his apartment, and I’m sure there will be more. I, myself, have a box under the bed with photos, letters, and journals that I’m sure Lance would not want to see. I never felt like I could get rid of that stuff, even though I don’t ever look through it. Never wanted to go through some boyfriend-photo burning ceremony either, as I’m on good terms with most of my exes. So I guess the memory box will just remain where it is for the rest of time, and maybe Lance can make his own box (that I SWEAR I will never open).

5. Alone time
Oh so important. I used to be incapable of spending much time alone. Whenever I had a quiet afternoon stretched out in front of me, I’d be sure to call a friend for company. But nowadays I positively relish those brief periods of solitude, whenever I can catch them. Now that Lance and I will be sharing a place, I’m a little worried that these alone moments will be hard to get. At this point, however, our work schedules don’t match up, so there are definitely times that we won’t both be home. And I’m sure I’ll have a lot of catching up to do with seeing family and friends, going to the gym, working late, band practice… oh dear. Sweet alone time, when will I find you?! I guess we’ll have to get into the habit of spending time alone while in the same apartment. Our new flat does not lack size, thank god, so one of us could totally be in the office while the other chills in the living room. We’ll just have to practice not disturbing each other.

6. The actual moving process
Oh boy. I loathe moving (well, who doesn’t). I haven’t done it in 3 years, and I wish I could just fast forward to next week, when everything’s packed, lifted, and strapped into the truck, and then upacked into the new place.  But, alas, I will have to live out this move in real time. I know that I tend to get grumpy and snappish when moving, and I totally have to keep myself in check. I’ve told Lance to yell at me if I’m being unnecessarily curt, but he’s so damn sweet I don’t know if he can. So, it’s his undying enthusiasm that I’m relying on to keep the move smooth. We have been thinking ahead a lot, and much is packed and planned already. We’ve got some friends lined up to help, and a few days to do it all in. I guess when it comes to the Big Move itself, it’s all about pacing, taking breaks, not overstressing, and drinking a lot of beer. Ah, hell, maybe this move will be delightful!

7. Commitment
Moving in together: a big step, they say! And it’s true. For many couples, gone are the days of spending your first night together on the day you are wed. And I can’t agree more; marriage is an even bigger step for a couple, and I think it’s important to getting the living-together stuff figured out long beforehand. You’ve got to learn each other’s habits and all the things I discussed above, and on top of that you are signing a lease together- a legally binding contract. If things don’t work out, it will be difficult to figure out what to do about that (who leaves, who stays, who’s sleeping on the couch, who’s paying rent…). Imagine that stuff, along with a divorce at the the same time, eesh! What a mess. What I’m saying here is that moving in together is a big commitment, equal to that of marriage in many ways. Do one at a time, and you save yourself and your relationship undue stress. So, that’s what Lance and I are trying, and I am super positive about our future.

I guess I didn’t say a ton about possible solutions to the above difficulties. I realize that is becuase they all have the same solution: COMMUNICATION! Seriously. I know I talk about it all the time, but that is what makes a relationship -any relationship- work. For all problems, from leaving the cap off the toothpaste to paying the rent, talking to your bf/gf about it is the way to go. Not talking = resentment, and eventually bigger problems. If you’re making the Big Move, chances are you want this relationship to go farther some day. And that can happen, if you communicate with your loved one, kindly and often.

Wish me luck, I’ll let y’all know how it goes!

xoxo, Lucy

30 March 36 Permalink

Sex Advice Relay: Spring Edition 2011
 
Happy St. Paddy’s Day! Things are always crazy on this night here in Chicago. It’s like Chicago’s Mardi Gras, for real. I’ve seen multiple trolleys driving about the city, packed with drunk Chads and Trixies, bagpipers on the roof. Rigoddamndiculous. So, no, I am not out partying. I am here, cozy at home, writing to you, my darlin’ wee lads and lassies.

I know it’s been an agonizing 10 days without a post, but I’ve been really swamped. Yeah what else is new? Well, something IS new, that’s a pretty big deal, but you’ll have to wait til my next post to hear about it. In the intervening time, here’s a bunch o’ questions to fill that empty space in your sex-advice hungry heart.

Dear Lucy,

I’m nineteen and I have just started kissing boys (and girls) but I have only had drunken hook-ups. For some reason I haven’t been turned on by any of them. Do you think I need a stronger emotional connection or just a sober one?

You probably need both. It’s real easy to get things started when you’re drinking- your inhibitions are lowered, you can act braver without as much worry, you can always pass off an embarrassing moment as a drunken mishap, or you can even pretend you don’t remember things that went down. If you have just started kissing people, you may not even know what being turned on is like! I would say to step back a bit. Work on getting to know people before making out, and go on some normal, sober dates. Then, once you’ve established that you have some sort of emotional connection with a person, you can move forward into kissy land. There, with a sober connection established, you just may find the horniness you’re searching for.

 
hi i have a question
i wanna lose my virginity w/o a condom, at least for the initial entry. i just feel that it would be best that way. of course, i would put one on afterwards. im just wondering is this safe? if he doesnt masturbate for a week beforehand, would it be okay for that first moment to use no condom? thanks in advance
 
I understand the first part of your question; it may feel more natural to have sex without a condom the first time. Condoms can be uncomfortable and hard to get used to. But, they are super necessary for safe sex. So, I would say that it would be a really really good idea to use one, even the first time. This depends a little on your situation, however. Who is the “he” that you’re planning to have sex with? If you are both virgins, then it would behoove you both to get tested for STDs before going very far sexually. You should also look into other forms of birth control besides condoms. If, AND ONLY IF, you both have a clean bill of health, and you are using a reliable birth control (like the pill, ring, or IUD), then you could consider sex without a condom.

As for the second half of your question, I have yet to figure out what you mean about your dude’s masturbation schedule. The amount your sexual partner masturbates has absolutely no bearing on the possibility of you getting pregnant or STDs from unprotected sex. Even if he does not masturbate for a week, you should still follow my advice above (getting tested and birth control, stat!). In fact, I think that NOT masturbating could actually cause more risk for you! Ejaculating clears your dude’s pipes of bacteria, which keeps his dick cleaner and less likely to transfer things to you. Also, he may be so pent up from the anticipation of having sex and not relieving himself, that he may be more likely to prematurely ejaculate. What I mean is, if all that sexual tension is building up inside him, then it is possible that he could splooge right at the first moment he enters you. And that is the opposite of what you want.

I know this is vague, but how can I get dates? I’m a somewhat attractive, 18 year old college student with no love life. I know it’s because I’m shy and not at all forward. How can I push myself to be a little more out there without it being forced or awkward?

You’re in college! This is the absolute perfect time for you to get out there. You’re 18, so I assume a freshman. Not sure what college you’re at, but some things are universal in universities: the social scene is poppin’ off. Check out the functions that your school sponsors: clubs, art classes, dances, mixers, study groups, sports, trips, the list goes on. Never will you have an experience like the beginning of college again, where there is a whole organizational structure just to say “Here! Have some friends!” Don’t necessarily go into a new group experience expecting to meet your romantic match right off the bat. Rather, think about just building friendships with new people who are into the same sorts of things as you. Start hanging with like-minded folks, and relationships will develop. Eventually, you may find a spark with a new friend, or get introduced to friends-of-friends that you hit it off with as well. It’ll be a little awkward at first, but take baby steps, and don’t pressure yourself too hard. Just take advantage of the opportunities that surround you whenever you can.

So there’s this guy at my school and he stares. He knows I stare too and I stare cause I’ve got a crush on him, and I don’t talk to him at all, but why does he stare and don’t do anything? Could it be that he has staring problems?

Uh, why do YOU stare and don’t do anything? If you’re staring at this crush-worthy dude, and he’s staring back, chances are he’s into you, too. Or maybe he just keeps catching you staring at him, and he thinks that YOU have a staring problem! Get up and talk to the guy, for cryin’ out loud.

xoxo, Lucy

17 March 7 Permalink

Lucy Rockwell: Stark Raving Single.

I have about five quadrillion friends getting married in the coming year. My fridge is plastered with invitations and save-the-dates (which my cousin refers to as “STDs,” a euphemism I find inappropriate, being a sex writer…). I’m 27 and stark raving single, and nowhere near the possibility of getting married, which is totally OK with me. My life is great, I’m doing the things I want to do and living the way I want to live. But I’m not gonna lie: with my friends and peers getting hitched all around me, it’s hard not to think and talk about marriage semi-constantly.

One such conversation happened with my roommate, April, last night. We were discussing people who get engaged after dating their significant other for only a few months, and whether it’s possible to be that sure of your relationship that soon. My relationships have either been long and committed, spanning several years, or short and sweet, with a low degree of commitment (at least in my mind). But I think any type of relationship evolves and changes enormously as the months and years go by. You learn new things about each other constantly, gradually revealing your habits and your histories. Thinking back, it amazes me how different each year of my LTRs was. Deciding to get married within the first year of any relationship is not something I can fathom.

It’s a well known, physiological fact that the first year with a new partner is the peaches and cream. That twitterpated feeling where you just LOVE a person, and have not yet discovered their faults, is a once in a lifetime event. The real test comes later, when the dark and dirty secrets of your partner begin to surface. The question becomes not ‘can you love them?’ but ‘can the love stay when the challenges begin?’

I haven’t let myself get deep into a relationship for nearly 3 years. There are several reasons for this: my last long-ass relationship was really long, it started when I was young and naïve, and I wanted to experience being a young adult while leaving my options open. Sometimes I’ve been lonely, sometimes I’ve dated for awhile, and sometimes I just reveled in being single and how uncomplicated it makes my life. I have lots of friends to see, places to be, and artsy stuff to work on, and I really don’t have time for a boyfriend. So right now, I’m not even looking for a dude.

But sometimes I wonder if I actually have a fear of commitment. Cliché, yes. But I think it may be true. My parents had a messy and traumatizing divorce when I was around 10. Although our family relationships are patched up now, this major event during my childhood has helped to form my beliefs about love and relationships. I am super cautious of getting in too deep, too fast. I don’t want to let myself fall for someone, only to be burned. My parents got married super young, which later proved to be not the best decision for them. Thus, one of the major reasons that Will and I broke up 3 years ago was because I didn’t want to be stuck in a relationship without experiencing other things while we were still young.

So, yeah, deciding to marry someone will take a long time for me. Many people see marriage as the ultimate declaration of love for their partner: “We love each other, and to prove how much we love each other, we’re going to try to stick it out forever!” I say, why rush into that commitment when you don’t know if it can last? Sure, I want to get married some day. I have those girly fantasies of the dress and the flowers and the whole big party. But when I get married, I want it to be after 4 or 5 years of being with my loved one. I want our declaration to be something like: “We tried it, we liked it, now we’re ready to say that we can do this for a long, long time!”

No, I’m not jealous of all my marrying friends. I’m supportive, but I’m dubious. I’m certainly not going to voice my doubts directly to them, because I love them and I want them to be happy. I like weddings, and I’m stoked to help plan the events and stock my closet with bridesmaid dresses. I just don’t think I can declare my long-term love intentions without a lot of practice.

Not to mention that I don’t believe in monogamy, but that’s a subject for another day…

Xoxo, Lucy

14 August 30 Permalink