HAPPY 2012!

New Years Resolutions for Everyone Who Likes Sex

Last year, I came up with 3 simple resolutions for my readers and their lovers:

1. Communicate

2. Be Adventurous

3. Use Protection

Well, I don’t think I want to change those resolutions, cause they are all important, and I believe that we should all strive to stick to all three. Or get on it now, and start resolving to do all three, if you haven’t been already. Read 2011’s entire post here to get the details on why you should adhere to communication, adventure, and protection for all.

However, it is a new year, a new beginning, and time to add a few more resolutions to our sex lives. Here’s what I got for y’all this year:

4. Shop Local

I’ve been on a huge local kick this year. Purchasing things within your community is a great idea: your money goes right back into the region where you live, which, in this fucked-up economic time we’re living in, is a good thing. So, why stop at farmer’s markets and book stores? Buy local at SEX STORES, too! Sure, it’s easy to purchase sex toys, lingerie, porn, and whatever else you need online. However, that money’s going to a faceless computer, not your well-meaning, sex-positive neighbor! You may be shy to go and buy stuff in person, but this is a hurdle worth overcoming. I, personally, love talking with the clerks at adult stores. There’s something so refreshing about chatting it up in public about dildos and lube, when in most places it would be totally inapprope to bring up such subjects.

I plan to take some time this year to write up a little something about many of the sex shops in Chicago, like I did recently for The Erotic Warehouse. I’ll keep you posted on the greatest spots to stock up on all things silicone and leather!

5. Use Technology Wisely

We’re learning more and more about the impact that technology can have on one’s personal life. It seems like each week we hear another article on sexting gone wrong, whether for a teenager or a senator (or both! ew). It is important to be mindful about the ways that your privacy can be compromised due to the ever-developing world of phones, cameras, and networking capabilities. Basically, don’t send naked pictures to anyone you don’t absolutely 100% trust. Don’t leave digital nakey pix on your phone, camera, or any portable devices. Don’t look at sexy stuff at work. Use common sense to protect yourself and those you are involved with.

6. Compliment your Bedmate

This is part of general communication, but also something I’d like to address specifically. It is important to tell your main squeeze what you like about them. The compliments you give them can be about anything: the way they look, smell, dress, smile, or laugh. Things they do well in bed, or an interesting point they brought up in a political discussion at a recent dinner party. Better yet, compliment her/him on a variety of things during the time you spend together. It will make him/her feel secure, comfortable, and more self-confident. She/he will feel happier around you, and will hopefully return the favor and say some nice things about you, too.

Well, my darlings, those are my thoughts on the start of the new year, and the ways to best keep your relationships happy and healthy. I hope 2012 is good one for you and yours!

xoxo,

Lucy

2 January 15 Permalink

Until You’re Mine, I Draw the Line

Dear Lucy,

I’ve been on 2 dates with a guy I could end up dating long-term. On our 2nd date I conveniently forgot my apartment key; ending up staying the night at his place. We made out, he fingered and caressed me, and I gave him a couple of hand jobs. I feel comfortable with the casualness of the night, but I denied him when he asked for a blow job (price of admission is eating me out!). I want to experiment more with him (I’m a virgin). How do I tell him I’m drawing the line until we’re more official?

Based on what you’ve written, I am a bit confused about where you want to actually “draw the line” with the guy you’re seeing.

You’re already involved in sexual acts with this dude, and it sounds like it’s going well so far. You gave each other manual stimulation, and you said you felt comfortable.

Then you denied a blow job, supposedly because you wanted to balance it out with receiving oral, as well. That’s totally reasonable, but is this something you explained to him? Did he know you wanted it, and he denied it? Or did you not bring it up fully and honestly?

Also, when you say you “conveniently forgot your apartment key,” was this intentional and you wanted to stay the night at his place, or did he convince you to went you weren’t to keen on it? These are important aspects of your blossoming relationship that you need to consider seriously before moving forward. Essentially, are you going to take control of your own wants and needs, or let yourself be swayed when you’re not really feeling it?

It’s great that you want to experiment, and if you’re comfortable with your new man-friend, then you should totally go for it. When it comes down to it, my main piece of advice on how to tell him you’re drawing the is to tell him you’re drawing the line.

It’s your responsibility to explain to him what you want out of your relationship, romantically and sexually. And then you need to listen, and have a conversation and what he wants. If you find that you are on the same page about being safe and honest, and you are both genuinely interested in making each other happy, then you will be in a good place to move forward. It’s not fair, however, to lead him on, making him think that you want something that you will later deny or revoke.

Maybe it sounds contrived, but it never fails to be true: the key to any relationship in life is communication. Use it well.

xoxo, Lucy

5 November 5 Permalink

Smokin’ Hot- In Bed or Not!

Hey Lucy,
I love smoking girls, it’s a smoking fetish. I do not smoke, except when I’m excited.

Is it normal? How could I tell my fetish to a girl I’m dating? Should I tell her? I would love to date a light smoker and have sex with her while she smokes… Is it abnormal?


As far as fetishes go, yours is not that outlandish. Smoking, unlike the practices of many other fetishists, is legal to do nearly anywhere: your home, your car, in public, in every city in the U.S.A. It’s not like you’re trying to pee on her. (I know, lots of people are into that. And that’s ok.)

I don’t see it being to difficult to meet a girl who smokes. Just hang out at bars, or, rather, in front or bars (if you live in Chicago or any place with a smoking ban; something I wholeheartedly approve of, by the by.). Chat up a girl who smokes, and you’ve got the first part of your problem figured out.

Later, you may successfully end up in bed with said girl. Probably a good idea to wait until you’ve been together a few times before bringing up the fetish, maybe even wait til you’re actually dating. Then, sometime when she’s lighting up casually, and the two of you are alone, tell her that she looks totally sexy when she smokes. I really can’t imagine she’ll take that comment weirdly or badly- gals like to be told they’re good lookin’, and you’ll be telling her the truth anyway!

After you tell her, genuinely, that you think she’s hot when she smokes, try something like, “Actually, I wouldn’t mind if you smoked while we’re in bed sometimes. It would turn me on a lot.” And, hot damn! You’re done. She’ll very, very likely be like, “OK, sounds good.” I mean, don’t many smokers already enjoy a square in bed during the cool down after a sexual romp? She’d just be smoking a little beforehand, as well. You could even join her. It seems like a simple conversation should do the trick, and you’ll have your smoking goddess in no time.

And, being me, I have to throw in some safety tips. I’m imagining worst-case scenarios, so just be careful not to light your bed on fire. Or burn each other’s hair and skin. And, of course there’s that whole lung cancer/other ways to die from smoking thing. I’d feel a little weird not mentioning that. This last bit’s like a surgeon general’s warning. Except I’m not a surgeon. I’m just your friendly neighborhood sex advicer lady.

Xoxo,
Lucy

10 May 8 Permalink

Moving Day!

So, I mentioned that perhaps something significant was going on in my life, and here it is: I’m moving in with my boyfriend. Yeah, it’s kind of a big deal, you might say.

Lance and I have been dating for about 7 months, and that might seem a bit soon to be taking this serious step. In fact, I’ll bet that a year ago I would’ve advised just about any couple in the same situation that it was too soon to move in together after only 7 months of dating. But, my relationship with Lance has never been ordinary; we knew we were in love from the moment we met, and we knew we wanted to live together at about month number 2. Just had to wait for our leases to be up on our current apartments, and here we go!

Moving in with your significant other is, of course, cause for celebration. It also brings up worries, though. I think there are things you’ll really never know about each other until you’re actually living together. Even if you already spend just about every night in the same bed, there will still be surprises when you’re sharing the bed and the rest of the apartment.

A few worries one might have about the Big Move (and possible solutions/compromises):

1. Little weird habits
You may think you really know the guy/gal, but everyone’s got some quirky behaviors about their home routine. The first thing that comes to my mind is a dude leaving the toilet seat up. Cliche, yes, but ridiculously annoying for a lady taking a pee in the night. I think Lance is already considerate about this possible annoyance, but who knows what else is in store for me to discover! He’s already expressed to me his concern about my habit of not screwing caps onto bottles and jars all the way. And I’d feel terrible if he dumped a cup of salt into something he was cooking because of my carelessness, so I’m trying to be more conscious of screwing caps onto the condiments.

2. House maintenance
OK, number one problem with co-habitating with any other humans. Goddamn, deciding who should be doing the dishes just never gets easier. I’m quite picky about keeping my kitchen clean, and I cannot begin preparing a meal if the counter’s got crumbs on it and the dishes are piled up. Then again, I loathe mopping and don’t ever think about dusting surfaces. I think Lance and I may be at the same slobbishness level; at least I hope so. I do think it is easier to talk about chores with your bf/gf than with platonic roommates. And by talk, I mean snap at them when you’re grumpy and have to wash a goddamn glass to drink some goddamn water cause nobody ran the dishwasher.

3. Paying for stuff
I learned my lesson from a past relationship, and I am now much more careful about sharing money with my boyfriend. We intend to keep separate bank accounts for the time being (who knows if that’ll ever change). Most of the time, Lance and I just switch off playing for stuff we’re doing together, like groceries, meals out, and stuff for the new apartment. If one of us pays a significant chunk more for something, we pay each other back eventually. So far, so good. Then again, we make about the same amount of money, so I think we have it easier than some couples who might get resentful of one another. As for bills, we’ll each take charge of certain recurring expenses (gas, electric, netflix, internet…) and work out who owes whom every month. At least that’s the plan.

4. Upsetting keepsakes
I’m not talking about drawings from grade school; that’s cute stuff. I’m more worried about finding things from exes. I mean, both Lance and I were with many other people before we met, and that’s fine. Actually, that’s great. I’m really glad we had prior life and love experience, because if we hadn’t I don’t think we’d be so sure of settling down together. But, it’s still a bit jarring to find some sweet token of affection from someone Lance used to love. I’ve stumbled upon a few already in his apartment, and I’m sure there will be more. I, myself, have a box under the bed with photos, letters, and journals that I’m sure Lance would not want to see. I never felt like I could get rid of that stuff, even though I don’t ever look through it. Never wanted to go through some boyfriend-photo burning ceremony either, as I’m on good terms with most of my exes. So I guess the memory box will just remain where it is for the rest of time, and maybe Lance can make his own box (that I SWEAR I will never open).

5. Alone time
Oh so important. I used to be incapable of spending much time alone. Whenever I had a quiet afternoon stretched out in front of me, I’d be sure to call a friend for company. But nowadays I positively relish those brief periods of solitude, whenever I can catch them. Now that Lance and I will be sharing a place, I’m a little worried that these alone moments will be hard to get. At this point, however, our work schedules don’t match up, so there are definitely times that we won’t both be home. And I’m sure I’ll have a lot of catching up to do with seeing family and friends, going to the gym, working late, band practice… oh dear. Sweet alone time, when will I find you?! I guess we’ll have to get into the habit of spending time alone while in the same apartment. Our new flat does not lack size, thank god, so one of us could totally be in the office while the other chills in the living room. We’ll just have to practice not disturbing each other.

6. The actual moving process
Oh boy. I loathe moving (well, who doesn’t). I haven’t done it in 3 years, and I wish I could just fast forward to next week, when everything’s packed, lifted, and strapped into the truck, and then upacked into the new place.  But, alas, I will have to live out this move in real time. I know that I tend to get grumpy and snappish when moving, and I totally have to keep myself in check. I’ve told Lance to yell at me if I’m being unnecessarily curt, but he’s so damn sweet I don’t know if he can. So, it’s his undying enthusiasm that I’m relying on to keep the move smooth. We have been thinking ahead a lot, and much is packed and planned already. We’ve got some friends lined up to help, and a few days to do it all in. I guess when it comes to the Big Move itself, it’s all about pacing, taking breaks, not overstressing, and drinking a lot of beer. Ah, hell, maybe this move will be delightful!

7. Commitment
Moving in together: a big step, they say! And it’s true. For many couples, gone are the days of spending your first night together on the day you are wed. And I can’t agree more; marriage is an even bigger step for a couple, and I think it’s important to getting the living-together stuff figured out long beforehand. You’ve got to learn each other’s habits and all the things I discussed above, and on top of that you are signing a lease together- a legally binding contract. If things don’t work out, it will be difficult to figure out what to do about that (who leaves, who stays, who’s sleeping on the couch, who’s paying rent…). Imagine that stuff, along with a divorce at the the same time, eesh! What a mess. What I’m saying here is that moving in together is a big commitment, equal to that of marriage in many ways. Do one at a time, and you save yourself and your relationship undue stress. So, that’s what Lance and I are trying, and I am super positive about our future.

I guess I didn’t say a ton about possible solutions to the above difficulties. I realize that is becuase they all have the same solution: COMMUNICATION! Seriously. I know I talk about it all the time, but that is what makes a relationship -any relationship- work. For all problems, from leaving the cap off the toothpaste to paying the rent, talking to your bf/gf about it is the way to go. Not talking = resentment, and eventually bigger problems. If you’re making the Big Move, chances are you want this relationship to go farther some day. And that can happen, if you communicate with your loved one, kindly and often.

Wish me luck, I’ll let y’all know how it goes!

xoxo, Lucy

30 March 36 Permalink