Won’t You Take Me To… KINKYTOWN?
(A Series on Kinky Sex by Lucy Rockwell)

Episode 2, part B: Setting the Ground Rules for a Fun, Safe, Kinky Sex Life

Ideas for Rules About BDSM
BDSM is an acronym for several things: bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism. I’m not going to get too deep into the details of what all these sexual acts entail, but chances are that if you’re kinky, you’re somehow involved in at least a little bit of BDSM.

Rules for BDSM are particularly important because BDSM can be painful, and can even border on the dangerous. If you’re new to BDSM, staarrrttt sssllllooowww. You’ve got all the time in the world to get all crazy kinky up in there. Don’t rush into anything new; discuss it with your partner, and make a game plan. All along the way, stick to the sex rules you make together. The rules can change as the game changes, just be sure to check in with each other about changes often (preferably outside of a sexual situation, wherein y’all’s judgement is not impaired by lust).

Consider the following for BDSM rules:

-What will our safe word be? Safe words are necessary for any BDSM play (see my last post about safe words)
-What kind of bondage gear will we use?
-What if the rope/cuffs are too tight? (Hint: COMMUNICATE. I once had my hand go numb for 3 days cause I didn’t tell someone about a too tight rope. Dumb.)
-How can I physically get out of a bondage situation if needed? (scissors nearby are helpful)
-How much pain is too much?
-What if my feelings are hurt, even though I know we’re playing pretend?

Remember, these are just some general guidelines for the sorts of things you and your partner should discuss for a safe and happy kinky sex life. You may not need to consider all the things I mentioned, or you may need to be much more specific and detailed. It’s really all about your own relationships, and what makes you feel good.
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Next time on Kinkytown…

Ideas for Rules About Multiple Partners

xoxo,

Lucy

11 April 18 Permalink

Won’t You Take Me To… KINKYTOWN?
(A Series on Kinky Sex by Lucy Rockwell)

Episode 2: Setting the Ground Rules for a Fun, Safe, Kinky Sex Life

Let’s assume that you, the reader, have accepted that you are, to some degree, kinky. If you’re not quite sure what that means, that’s OK! (I wrote about the definition of kink here). Perhaps you just know that you’re ready to venture out of the norm, to add some sprinkles onto your vanilla. In short, it’s time to ACT.

Whether you are with a regular, long-term partner, or you’re meeting up with strangers at rest stops, or anywhere inbetween, it is imperative to set ground rules for your kinky sex life. First, some rules about rules:

The Universal Rules About Rules About Sex:

1. Rules must be decided upon before sex is engaged in.
2. Rules must be agreed upon by all parties involved in the sexy-time.
3. If a rule is broken, sex play stops immediately, and a discussion begins.
4. Rules can be changed, but not in the heat of the moment.

If you and your partner are not willing to abide by the above universal rules, it will not be possible to have a truly safe and healthy kinky relationship and lifestyle. Rules are there to protect you and your partner(s), and to make sure that there are possibilities for growth and development of your relationship. And mostly so that you’re all having super fun times, without worry!

Now that you’ve agreed to the Universal Rules, you and your partner get to make your own! I don’t know exactly what you’re into, so I can’t give you everything, but I sure can give you some ideas…

Ideas for Rules About Communication:
If you know anything about me, you know that I’m constantly harping on my sex-loving fans to communicate more. Almost every difficult sexual situation can be improved upon if folks just talk to each other! So, when you and your lovah (here on referred to as “WE”) enter Kinkytown, set up some guidelines about good old communicash.

-Decide whether or not we will discuss sexy stuff with each other on the internet, phone, text, IM, etc. Can other people see this stuff? What about photos?
-Can we talk about our sex lives with other people? Friends? Coworkers?
-Can we have dirty/sexy talk with other people? Friends, fuck-buddies, strangers?

In the bedroom…
-When and how can I tell you what sexual things I like?
-How should I respond when you tell me what you like?
-Is every night kinky night? Should we mix it up?

Safe words…
-What is our safe word? (You will use this word during sexy time whenever one partner wants to stop whatever is going on. Don’t choose a word like “no” or “stop,” because those words might be fun to role play with!)
-When a safe word is used, what happens? (I highly suggest STOPPING all activoty immediately, and discussing what happened. What was too much/ too weird/ too painful? Do not resume play until you’ve hashed it out comfortably.)

-What if I can’t talk because I have a gag in my mouth? (I suggest having at least one had free to ring a bell, or some sort of noisemaker, that you’ve placed accessibly nearby.)

In public…
-How physical should we get in public?
-What if I’m not into what you’re doing in public?
-What if I want to pull you into some dark corner and have my way with you?
-Can we invent some secretive signals/ code words to communicate secretly about kinky stuff with each other while we’re in public? (Ooh! Fun!)

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Tomorrow: Kinkytown continues with…

Ideas for Rules About BDSM

xoxo,

Lucy

10 April 14 Permalink

Ex Text

Last week I received a text from a guy I dated for a few months last year. The relationship (or “that time we dated a little bit” as I think of it) ended for various reasons, and we hadn’t spoken at all in, like, 6 months.

So, he asked me the usual questions: are you still in Chicago, how’s work, how’s your family and roommates, are you seeing anyone… I answered somewhat assholishly in one-word replies: yes, good, good, sometimes, you?… Maybe I was too flip with the guy, but the truth is I always felt like he liked me more than I liked him, which made me feel like a jerk. And that’s a lot of the reason I dumped him. And here I was being a jerk again.

This guy is quirky, to say the least. Many things about him are things I knew I could not abide for life, so I thought I’d just stick it out for a while and see where things went. Really, I stuck with it cause he’s kinky. Finding someone with a box of rope under the bed is somewhat rare, but this dude also had safety scissors in case you wanted the rope cut off right quick. He understood the need for and the power of a “safe word.” I was impressed by this guy. He had really thought through all the aspects of kinkdom, and I learned a lot about it through him. But, he had a septum piercing and he prayed to a pagan god before meals, so that was the end of that.

I suspected that the purpose of last week’s text was to send out some feelers as to whether I would jump back into bed with him. My suspicions were confirmed with his follow up to my asking, “you?” He says: “Just OFFICIALLY became “partnered” to one of my lovers. We’re going to give poly a serious try. VERY excited. VERY scary.”

Yeah. For real. C’mon! I mean, “partnered,” “lovers,” who talks like that?! And sends that info to an ex? Well, a guy who wants the ex (me, that is) to come have a poly-good-time (ha, just made that up. Get it? Poly, jolly…) with him and his partner. Is the partner even a guy or a girl? I’ll never know. Because my response was simply, “Wow! Good luck embarking on a new frontier.” He didn’t write back. And that was the end of that.

6 December 2 Permalink