Post(s) tagged with "masturbation"
Don’t Wanna Be… ALL BY MYSELF ANYMOOOOORE!
Dear Lucy, I’m worried I may be one of those women who can’t orgasm with a partner. I like to masturbate, who doesn’t?, but I’m afraid that I’ve built up a ridiculous stamina and now I won’t be able to climax with a partner. Is this a problem or what?
I used to feel similarly- I had found just the right way to give myself an orgasm, and I didn’t think that anyone else would be able to get me there. Happily, I was wrong!
First of all, your me-time has shown you that you can, indeed, have an orgasm from some sort of physical stimulation, so you’ve got that covered.
Secondly, consider the way in which you masturbate. If you use one specific method that gets ‘er done quick, it may be time to switch it up. For instance, if you use a vibrator every time you get yourself off, put the toy away for awhile and start using just your fingers, or the showerhead, or a non-vibe dildo, or, hell, a carrot.
The point is to train yourself to have orgasms in different ways, and to find different touches, textures, and rhythms that can still make you come. This will help you get used to the fingers, tongue, or carrots of a partner, who will not have a touch you’re used to right away.
The next step is to make a promise to yourself to be open about communication when you are with a partner. If s/he is not licking, thrusting, or wiggling around on you in a way that is going to lead you to Orgasm Town, you must tell your partner. Conversely, if s/he IS doing the right things to you at the right time, tell them! Then they can store that info in their memory banks for later, and the next time you’re together, they’ll have good place to start. If you’re shy, you gotta get over it to have successful and satisfying partner sex. Nobody’s gonna feel weird about a few helpful hints, like “Lower! Slower! Deeper! Over there! Squeeze!” (or what have you).
Know that it will take time. You may not see (well, feel) the results you desire for a good while. Just keep trying, experimenting, masturbating, communicating. And the great news on this one: it will get better with practice.
Good luck, let me know how it goes!
xoxo,
Lucy
Sex Advice Relay: Spring Edition 2011
Happy St. Paddy’s Day! Things are always crazy on this night here in Chicago. It’s like Chicago’s Mardi Gras, for real. I’ve seen multiple trolleys driving about the city, packed with drunk Chads and Trixies, bagpipers on the roof. Rigoddamndiculous. So, no, I am not out partying. I am here, cozy at home, writing to you, my darlin’ wee lads and lassies.
I know it’s been an agonizing 10 days without a post, but I’ve been really swamped. Yeah what else is new? Well, something IS new, that’s a pretty big deal, but you’ll have to wait til my next post to hear about it. In the intervening time, here’s a bunch o’ questions to fill that empty space in your sex-advice hungry heart.
Dear Lucy,
I’m nineteen and I have just started kissing boys (and girls) but I have only had drunken hook-ups. For some reason I haven’t been turned on by any of them. Do you think I need a stronger emotional connection or just a sober one?
You probably need both. It’s real easy to get things started when you’re drinking- your inhibitions are lowered, you can act braver without as much worry, you can always pass off an embarrassing moment as a drunken mishap, or you can even pretend you don’t remember things that went down. If you have just started kissing people, you may not even know what being turned on is like! I would say to step back a bit. Work on getting to know people before making out, and go on some normal, sober dates. Then, once you’ve established that you have some sort of emotional connection with a person, you can move forward into kissy land. There, with a sober connection established, you just may find the horniness you’re searching for.
hi i have a question
i wanna lose my virginity w/o a condom, at least for the initial entry. i just feel that it would be best that way. of course, i would put one on afterwards. im just wondering is this safe? if he doesnt masturbate for a week beforehand, would it be okay for that first moment to use no condom? thanks in advance
I understand the first part of your question; it may feel more natural to have sex without a condom the first time. Condoms can be uncomfortable and hard to get used to. But, they are super necessary for safe sex. So, I would say that it would be a really really good idea to use one, even the first time. This depends a little on your situation, however. Who is the “he” that you’re planning to have sex with? If you are both virgins, then it would behoove you both to get tested for STDs before going very far sexually. You should also look into other forms of birth control besides condoms. If, AND ONLY IF, you both have a clean bill of health, and you are using a reliable birth control (like the pill, ring, or IUD), then you could consider sex without a condom.
As for the second half of your question, I have yet to figure out what you mean about your dude’s masturbation schedule. The amount your sexual partner masturbates has absolutely no bearing on the possibility of you getting pregnant or STDs from unprotected sex. Even if he does not masturbate for a week, you should still follow my advice above (getting tested and birth control, stat!). In fact, I think that NOT masturbating could actually cause more risk for you! Ejaculating clears your dude’s pipes of bacteria, which keeps his dick cleaner and less likely to transfer things to you. Also, he may be so pent up from the anticipation of having sex and not relieving himself, that he may be more likely to prematurely ejaculate. What I mean is, if all that sexual tension is building up inside him, then it is possible that he could splooge right at the first moment he enters you. And that is the opposite of what you want.
I know this is vague, but how can I get dates? I’m a somewhat attractive, 18 year old college student with no love life. I know it’s because I’m shy and not at all forward. How can I push myself to be a little more out there without it being forced or awkward?
You’re in college! This is the absolute perfect time for you to get out there. You’re 18, so I assume a freshman. Not sure what college you’re at, but some things are universal in universities: the social scene is poppin’ off. Check out the functions that your school sponsors: clubs, art classes, dances, mixers, study groups, sports, trips, the list goes on. Never will you have an experience like the beginning of college again, where there is a whole organizational structure just to say “Here! Have some friends!” Don’t necessarily go into a new group experience expecting to meet your romantic match right off the bat. Rather, think about just building friendships with new people who are into the same sorts of things as you. Start hanging with like-minded folks, and relationships will develop. Eventually, you may find a spark with a new friend, or get introduced to friends-of-friends that you hit it off with as well. It’ll be a little awkward at first, but take baby steps, and don’t pressure yourself too hard. Just take advantage of the opportunities that surround you whenever you can.
So there’s this guy at my school and he stares. He knows I stare too and I stare cause I’ve got a crush on him, and I don’t talk to him at all, but why does he stare and don’t do anything? Could it be that he has staring problems?
Uh, why do YOU stare and don’t do anything? If you’re staring at this crush-worthy dude, and he’s staring back, chances are he’s into you, too. Or maybe he just keeps catching you staring at him, and he thinks that YOU have a staring problem! Get up and talk to the guy, for cryin’ out loud.
xoxo, Lucy
Masturbation for the Ladies 2: Finding the Sweet Spot
Dear Lucy,
This question is lame and embarrassing, but I dont know HOW to masturbate (I’m a female). Women have three holes I know that, but I’m not sure which one is the “masturbation” or “insert penis here” hole. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and I’ve never achieved orgasm when he fingers me because I can’t tell- he isn’t going in far enough. HELP D:
Oh dear! OK, don’t be embarrassed; I didn’t know there were multiple holes in a vagina for a good while. Yes, there are 3 holes in your genital ares. One is your urethra, one is your vagina, and one is your anus. (See diagram) The middle one, your vagina, is the “insert here” hole for sexual intercourse with a penis. The other two can be stimulated for sexual pleasure, but you can get to that later in your sexual awakening, once you’ve got the vagina figured out.
Inserting things (your fingers, your boyfriend’s fingers, a dildo/vibrator or penis-shaped object, and, eventually, a penis) into your vagina will give you sexual pleasure. This may not, however, be enough to give you an orgasm. What is really important in your own masturbation exploration is to discover your clitoris! (Again, see diagram)
This little nub, located above your urethral opening (where you pee) is loaded with nerve endings. This organ acts the same as a man’s penis- rub it, and you will be sexually stimulated. So, that’s what I suggest you do: locate your clitoris, lick your fingers to get them wet (or use some lube), and rub around on your clit. Rub in circles, up and down, side to side, hard or soft, slow or fast. Vary it up and learn what makes you feel the best. Eventually you sill start to feel hot, tingly, and sweaty perhaps. Not just Down There; you may also feel hot and tingly in your nipples, your face, or other parts of your body.
You might have a clitoral orgasm the first time you try masturbating this way, or you may not. Keep going for it, though, and guide your boyfriend’s fingers to your clit as well. You may then want to combine penetration of your vagina with clitoral stimulation. By this I mean, keep one hand playing with your clit, while pushing something in and out of your vaginal hole.
As for “going in far enough,” the first couple inches of your vaginal opening are super sensitive, so you may not even have to put something too far inside you to feel amazing. Again, try different things (speed, depth, objects) until you find your perfect combo.
For more information, check out my in-depth article on Masturbation for the Ladies, including more techniques, and why masturbation is good for your health!
Xoxo,
Lucy
So… What’s it Like?
Dear Lucy,
This is probably the stupidest question anyone’s ever asked, but what’s sex like? Ha haa, I’M A VIRGIN OBVIOUSLY. Ha haa…
For some reason this question made me giggle, so I decided to answer it.
What’s sex like? Sex is fucking awesome.
Sex is the best feeling a body can feel. And I’m talking about every aspect of sex: kissing, rubbing, cuddling, biting, licking. Penetration or groping, oral or phone sex, it’s all just great.
If you, the reader who asked the question above, are wondering specifically what it feels like to have intercourse, try masturbating in a way that simulates the actual act. If you’re a dude, get a pocket pussy from a sex store (or online), or fill a tube sock with Vaseline, and jerk off into it. If you’re a gal, acquire a dildo (preferably vibrating), or heck! raid the veggie drawer and grab a cucumber to masturbate with. Then experiment, and have a lot of fun getting yourself off.
And good news: sex is a thousand times even better than that.
Xoxo, Lucy
Masturbation for the Ladies
Dear Lucy,
Do you masturbate?
I have been asked this question now many times, so I think it’s time to write an article on girls getting off. Plus, it’s an excellent opportunity to introduce you to all these fantastic new terms for female masturbation! Like Auditioning the Finger Puppets! Love that one.
So, the short answer is: YES, of course I masturbate. I’m human. Anyone who thinks that bringing one’s own self to orgasm is exclusively a man’s sport has got a lot to learn. Interestingly, I didn’t start buffin’ the muffin until fairly late in the game. At around age 15, a bunch of us girls were hanging out in gym class, and one precocious young lady asked us all if we “jacked off.” Most of my girlfriends were quick to agree that they did, and so I said the same. The truth is, at 15 I didn’t even know the vagina had two holes. I know, crazy, right?!
(And if this was, ahem, a revelation for you just now, go here: http://www.biologie.uni-hamburg.de/b-online/library/onlinebio/femalerepro_1.gif)
I went home and started spelunking with my fingers, figuring out what felt good. Soon I had it all figured out; I knew what to touch on my own body, how fast, how hard, how much. After that, I was hitchhiking to heaven whenever I damn well pleased. And after that, I started having sex, so orgasms were usually provided by my boyf for a while. Then, my freshman year of college, I was foolishly doing a long distance thing with Jeff. A dormmate took pity on me and bought me a vibrator for my birthday. It was giant and squishy and purple, and it introduced a whole new way of polishing the pearl. Ol’ Purple broke down eventually, but I’ve been in possession of a vibe ever since.
There are health benefits from masturbating for woman: yay! Many are the same benefits of jacking off for men, but jilling off has its own special perks too:
-Stress relief and help with insomnia. Playing the Clitar releases those lovely endorphins and hormones we love so much, making us feel good, relaxed, glowy.
-Prevention of infection. When a girl does a little finger-painting, her cervix “tents” and flushes out bacteria. This bacteria can lead to a cervix infection, or a dreaded UTI, and no one wants that. If you feel a UTI coming on, it may help the pain and the infection symptoms to masturbate.
-Orgasms relieve menstrual cramps. I can attest to this. On those coupla days of the month that it’s real bad, running a hot bath and playing with the little man in the boat can make the pain dissipate.
-Petting the petunia can strengthen your pelvic floor, too. Stronger pelvic muscles have a plethora of benefits, some of which include: increased vag lubrication, making your g-spot more sensitive, helpin’ out with childbirth, keeping your canal tighter. Squeezing your kegels while you touch yourself builds up pelvic strength, so do it with dedication!
-And, of course, getting to know yourself. Same as with the dudes; the more you are in tune with your own body, the better sex will be with others. Spend a night in with your pussy and get to know what YOU like and what gets you off, and then you will be able to teach it to your partners. If a lover is down between your legs, and you haven’t yet discovered if you even like the licking, humming, sucking, or what have you, you may be there all night without a release in sight.
If you don’t know where to begin with masturbation, begin here:
Get some time alone. Take yourself to a private place at a time where you won’t be interrupted. Lock the door, turn off the phone, turn some sexy tunes that make you happy. If a glass of wine or a few hits off a bowl help you relax, feel free to partake of these things first. Get into a comfy spot; the bath, your bed, the couch. Then just give yourself lots of time.
Explore your body, don’t just jump straight down to the vag. Run your fingers over your lips, neck, chest, stomach. Spend some time on your nipples (see my last article), maybe lick your fingers first to get your nips wet. When you’re good n’ ready, rub your hand over your pussy. Stroke the outside and surrounding area to titillate yourself. Then dip a couple fingers in, finding your clit and rubbing down the inner lips. A little lube, oil, or lotion can help keep things slick down there, too.
From here, it is a matter of preference. Some ladies get off on only clit stimulation, and others from vaginal penetration. Some need a combination of both. Try all sorts of different things: rubbing your clit in circles, pinching or slapping a little, rubbing back and forth really fast. Reach your fingers inside your vagina, curling them up and stroking the bumpy upper part of the vaginal wall, AKA the G-spot. If you find any place that feels particularly good, DON’T STOP. Go with that motion until it doesn’t feel the same way anymore.
Bring toys into the equation, too. Vibrators are particularly awesome, as the vibrating motion stimulates quickly and thoroughly (at least for me). There are some vibes that you can just lay or rub over your clit, and others that are dildo shaped that you can use to penetrate yourself, as well. I currently own a Corsair, made by Fun Factory. It’s got all sorts of speeds and different rhythms, which is super fun.
If you don’t achieve an orgasm on your first tiptoe through the twolips, don’t give up! Read more, experiment more, play more. There’s all sorts of people out there that really want you to make yourself come. I happen to be one of ‘em.
Xoxo, Lucy
Men and Masturbation
Dear Lucy,
Can a guy ever masturbate too much? Are there any health benefits to masturbating?
I’ve praised masturbating in previous columns, but this is a subject that deserves its own special attention. Since these questions were asked by a guy, I’ll address him first, and dedicate a whole ‘nother post to female masturbation at a later date.
OK, guys. I’ve got good news and bad news regarding self-love. The bad news: if you jerk it too much, you could grow hair on the palms of your hands, go blind, or lose your mind completely. The good news: that’s all scientifically proven bullshit, and if you grew up hearing these empty warnings, promptly put them out of your mind!
The real good news: masturbation IS good for you (yesssss!).
The physiological health benefits of spanking the monkey have been shown in many real-ass research studies (which I am not going to cite here, but feel free to google ‘em if you need further proof to justify your “me time,” fellas).
-Ejaculating clears the prostate gland (if you don’t know what that is, get on it, man!), which can build resistance to prostate infection, and may even reduce the risk of getting prostate cancer.
-Cleaning out the plumbing also keeps your semen healthy, and reduces the likelihood of other infections.
-Stress relief! Beating your bishop releases endorphins, which make you happy and less stressed (bet you didn’t figure that one out yourself). Less stress make your whole body healthier and keeps your immune system going strong.
-Shaking hands with the devil right before bedtime helps you fall asleep.
Other benefits I will put in the “psychological” category, but there is crossover between the physical and mental benefits.
-Stress relief, as I mentioned above.
-Learning about your self. I’m not trying to sound like a self-help guru here, but it’s true. Saying hello to your little friend puts you in tune with your body, and helps you learn how much stimulation you need before the volcano erupts. If you practice stopping the explosion right before you come, you will have better control over yourself when you’re with a partner. That means you can last longer, and avoid premature ejaculation. And that’s good for you and your partner.
-Taking the edge off. If you’re heading out on a date, polishing your helmet beforehand keeps your head in the game, as portrayed notoriously in “Something About Mary.” Just make sure you know where your jizz ends up at the end; don’t want to start the date off with an embarrassing situation.
-Taking the edge off also helps if you are in a relationship. If your honey isn’t feelin’ up to it on some night(s), take care of yourself to give her/him a break. Then you’re satisfied and they’re off the hook; avoiding guilt, fights, weird feelings. And for the partners of men: don’t feel bad if he wants to whack off! It doesn’t mean you aren’t a great lay. Sometimes one or the other person in the relationship wants/needs more sexual release, and masturbating is a great way to take care of that.
-For those not involved in relationships or dating or banging random folks, that’s OK too! Buffing the banana is the safest way to play, with no risk of giving or receiving STI’s, and no risk of knocking your girl up. That’s not to say that you should use masturbation as an excuse to never have sex, but in times between partners it’ll do you good.
As for my reader’s first question, “Can a guy ever masturbate too much?” the answer is yes and no. If you are worried that you are going to break your dick and it’ll fall off, worry no longer. It ain’t gonna happen. The negative effects of mucho masturbation are a little more complicated than that.
First of all, if spanking the salami is getting in the way of important things in your life, it may be time to consider bringing your rubbing routine down a couple notches. What I mean by this is that masturbation should not be affecting your job or relationships with friends/family/coworkers. If because of masturbating, you are showing up late to work, calling in sick, or not getting your work done, consider a lifestyle change that allows you to work hard, and keep the playing hard for off-hours or bedtime.
The same holds true for your social scene; if you avoid going out with friends and fam in order to stay home with Johnson or Peter (or whatever his name is), put him in your pants for the night and go out and have fun with real people that aren’t attached to your body. Don’t worry, he’ll be waiting for you when you get home.
While jacking it can help control your orgasms, it can also effect your ability to have them if you do it too much in the same way. Vary the game by switching hand position, lubes, the type of porn you watch, the type of sock/glove/plastic bag/baseball mitt you are sheathing the sword in. If you get too used to a specific method of making yourself come, it could be difficult make it happen when you’re in somebody else’s hand/mouth/pussy/booty/other orifice.
Alright, that’s a lot of info. Hope it helped. And I hope you enjoyed all the euphemisms for pounding the flounder along the way.
xoxo, Lucy
Your favorite terms for masturbation, guys?
Life. Love. Lust.
I'm Lucy. I live in Chicago and I like to talk about sex. Give me a topic: I'm happy to answer any questions about love, sex, and relationships. Email me at LucyRockwell@gmail.com Follow @LucyRockwell
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