Until You’re Mine, I Draw the Line

Dear Lucy,

I’ve been on 2 dates with a guy I could end up dating long-term. On our 2nd date I conveniently forgot my apartment key; ending up staying the night at his place. We made out, he fingered and caressed me, and I gave him a couple of hand jobs. I feel comfortable with the casualness of the night, but I denied him when he asked for a blow job (price of admission is eating me out!). I want to experiment more with him (I’m a virgin). How do I tell him I’m drawing the line until we’re more official?

Based on what you’ve written, I am a bit confused about where you want to actually “draw the line” with the guy you’re seeing.

You’re already involved in sexual acts with this dude, and it sounds like it’s going well so far. You gave each other manual stimulation, and you said you felt comfortable.

Then you denied a blow job, supposedly because you wanted to balance it out with receiving oral, as well. That’s totally reasonable, but is this something you explained to him? Did he know you wanted it, and he denied it? Or did you not bring it up fully and honestly?

Also, when you say you “conveniently forgot your apartment key,” was this intentional and you wanted to stay the night at his place, or did he convince you to went you weren’t to keen on it? These are important aspects of your blossoming relationship that you need to consider seriously before moving forward. Essentially, are you going to take control of your own wants and needs, or let yourself be swayed when you’re not really feeling it?

It’s great that you want to experiment, and if you’re comfortable with your new man-friend, then you should totally go for it. When it comes down to it, my main piece of advice on how to tell him you’re drawing the is to tell him you’re drawing the line.

It’s your responsibility to explain to him what you want out of your relationship, romantically and sexually. And then you need to listen, and have a conversation and what he wants. If you find that you are on the same page about being safe and honest, and you are both genuinely interested in making each other happy, then you will be in a good place to move forward. It’s not fair, however, to lead him on, making him think that you want something that you will later deny or revoke.

Maybe it sounds contrived, but it never fails to be true: the key to any relationship in life is communication. Use it well.

xoxo, Lucy

5 November 5 Permalink

I received this text message today:

“I hate you for doing this to me. We had all summer to try. I can’t live. You suck right now.”

My immediate reaction was a brief panic. Who had I spurned so badly? Then, I took a look at the phone number from which the text came. Local, yes, but not anyone in my phone book. Which means it was a wrong number. Or someone I’d deleted from my phone book, hoping to never communicate with him again, but we’ll assume that’s highly unlikely.

This mistakenly sent message got me thinking. Clearly, the sender was heartbroken. They’d been dumped or rejected by someone they had major feelings for, and the sender was deep into his/her pain phase of the break up. The phase wherein you send terrible messages like this one. What good is a message like this going to do? The hating and sucking parts: sure, fair enough. The summer part: a bit cryptic, we’ll get back to that later. The declaration that the sender doesn’t want to live: unacceptable.

In the midst of a break up, it is never fair to tell someone you want to die. Even if you really feel that way at the time, you’re not actually going to die from a broken heart. If you tell the person on the other side of your break up that you want to kill yourself, however, what are they supposed to do about it? That is a super sucky thing to put them through. To avoid confusing hypothetical pronouns, I’m going to use myself as an example…

Let’s say I was dumping a guy. And it wasn’t pretty. Feelings were hurt, things were misunderstood, he was having trouble letting go. He may, in a fit of desperation, tell me that he was so miserable about our break up that he wanted to die. I, being empathetic to a fault, would then feel worried about the guy’s welfare. I’d feel responsible if he were to (god forbid) attempt to hurt himself. I would feel obligated to pick up the phone of he called, or to respond to texts. If I didn’t respond, I’d be sitting there worrying that he might try something stupid. And there I’d be, ensnared in his net, unable to truly break free without feeling horribly guilty. And probably, perhaps without even realizing it, that’s what the guy I was attempting to dump was trying to make happen with his inconsiderate morbid whining.

I realize that got a little ranty there. You are now wondering if this has happened to me. Not exactly, but something similar did occur. And I’m clearly still a little pissed about it. The moral is: do not threaten to hurt yourself as a way to manipulate your bf/gf into staying with you. Moving on…

So: “We had all summer to try.” Being that this is the beginning of summer, this poor chap must have just gotten dumped recently. It sounds like the couple had intended to keep the relationship going through the summer, but now, no dice. I say: summer is the best time for lovin’! You’re free, man (or maybe it’s a gal who wrote it)! Have a fling! Hang out at beer gardens in the out-of-doors! Don’t moon over what was lost- you’re young! (maybe; I have no idea how old this person is) You’re beautiful! (perhaps; again, no real profile on the sender) You’re about to embark on a new frontier! (that one seems pretty certain)

Anyway, enough analyzing. I haven’t responded to this mystery text, but now I’m wondering if I should. Did the person realize their mistake and resend to the true receiver? Are they still wallowing in grief? Could I help by responding? Would it be kind of fun to respond anyway?

xoxo, Lucy

P.S. Opening up the floor on this one, readers. What do you think? Should I respond, and what should I say?

9 June 42 Permalink

Gettin’ Rid of Old Baggage

Dear Lucy,

My boyfriend still has his ex’s clothes in his closet & her stuff in the bathroom. I told him that it made me uncomfortable to see another girl’s clothes in his room. He said he didn’t like having it around either and agreed w/ me that he should ditch the stuff but has yet to actually do it. He is generally slow at taking care of things around the house so I’m not surprised he hasn’t done it yet but I still want the stuff gone. Would it be wrong if I initiated the process (like bagged everything up)? I don’t know much about about the previous relationship but I know it was a big source of stress for him and I think he has just been avoiding dealing with the stuff. I don’t want him to think I’m invading his space or privacy but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable either.
 
In a way, I understand your boyfriend’s behavior. Objects can really hold memories, and it could be really hard to go through his ex’s junk without stirring up unwanted reflections of the past. And, since it sounds like his history with this girl was not so great, dealing with her left-behind possessions could be emotional and uncomfortable for him.

But, at the same time, her stuff is making YOU uncomfortable. Which is completely understandable. I mean, ick! Who wants to see remnants from your partner’s past loves lying around? Not me (see my post about moving in with my boyfriend, from last week), and, clearly, not you.

You’ve asked him already to bag up the ex’s crap. He hasn’t done so, and you both want it gone. I think that now, it is totally OK for you to take the initiative on this one. However, I think it would be a bad idea to just toss all her shit into boxes without running it by your bf first.

The approach for this conversation is important; he’s trying not to think about it, and chances are he won’t be too keen on talking about it. Bring it up gently, and not accusingly. Tell him that you feel uncomfortable with her stuff around his place, and that you’d be more comfortable if it was no longer present. Then tell him that you’ll take care of the removal of said items if that’s OK with him, or you’ll help him pack it up, but that either way it has to happen right away.

xoxo, Lucy

12 April 5 Permalink

…If He Stays Why?

Dear Lucy,

If you cheated on your boyfriend and your boyfriend found out is your boyfriend going to dump you or stay with you and if he stays why?

The simple answer to this panicked run-on sentence is: how the hell should I know? You didn’t give me any details to work with. But I will do my best to answer to the subject in a completely objective manner.

Cheating effects different couples in different ways. While there may be a social norm mentality of “cheating = break up,” I don’t necessarily think that is true for all relationships.

So let’s explore why you were hypothetically cheating. Perhaps you are dissatisfied with something about your relationship with your boyfriend, and so you strayed. Maybe you are getting back at him for something he did wrong. Maybe you are seeking something that he is unable to give you, and so you tried to find it with someone else.

Or maybe your relationship with your boyfriend is totally great, but you aren’t a monogamous person. I think it is possible to be romantically and/or sexually interested in more than one person at the same time. You may love your boyfriend, but you also have a crush on somebody else. And so you acted on that crush.

Of course, you could have just gotten wasted and ended up in someone else’s bed, horrified (or delighted?) to find yourself there in the morning.

So is your boyfriend going to dump you? Well, did you tell him you cheated? Or did he “find out” through the grapevine? It is more likely that he’ll be more pissed if he hears that information from someone other than you. No one likes to feel like an ignorant fool, or to be the last person to find out about something involving their own relationship. Chances of being dumped are higher in this case.

But let’s say you tell him yourself, like a more decent cheater. He could still be very upset about your infidelities. He may, indeed, dump you right on the spot. Or after a few days of weepy arguments. Then again, you could find out that your boyf has a open side as well, and that he’s all about occasional forays into new sexual territories by you both. Maybe it’ll be the start of a beautiful, open relationship.

But if he’s not polyamorous, and he “stays,” why would he do that? Well, my friend, maybe he really loves you. It is possible to be forgiven. So if that’s the case, don’t abuse his new attempt at trusting you.

Xoxo, Lucy

26 October 10 Permalink