Zodiac Sex Positions Review- Installment 3

I’ve been getting a lot of questions asking about my favorite sex positions, so I think it’s time to continue my reviews of sex positions, based on this Zodiac-themed blacklight poster.

So click on the lava lamp, drop the needle onto some Pink Floyd vinyl, and enjoy Installment 3…

CANCER (June 21-July 22)- “Versatile”

The meaning behind the names of these positions continues to elude me. The thing that you need to be “versatile” about is apparently your household furniture, because the next three positions require small stools of various heights. Cancer’s position is pretty fun, kinda like Reverse Cowgirl, but sitting instead of lying down. I think this position works better if Girl’s legs are spread more, so they are on the outside of Guy’s. Then he can push in deeper. On the other hand, if she closes her legs more, as it appears Girl on Poster is doing, her pussy will be tighter on his dick and can create more friction. This is also a great position for Guy to grab Girl’s boobs and play with her nips. And, as Poster Dude has figured out, just push her forward a bit for a great view of her booty. Hm… perhaps more versatile than I first thought…

LEO (July 22-August 23)- “Friendly”

The only position shown where the lovers are smiling! Grinning, even! My best friend is a Leo, and a very laughy, happy guy, and I always loved how appropriate this position is for him. I guess it is called “friendly” because the couple is facing each other, so it’s easier to tell each other hilarious jokes during sex (as Poster Couple appears to be doing). Or maybe it’s so funny because, since Girl has her knees up on his shoulders, Guy slipped and accidentally stuck it in her butt! He’s certainly got a good hold on her butt. This position is just stupid to actually try to execute; they’re totally about to fall off the stool. And I ain’t LION (Leo joke, ha!).

VIRGO (August 23-September 23)- “Ingenious”

Ok, sorry, dear readers, but this Sex Position Review is just getting ridiculous. The only thing “ingenious” about Virgo’s position is that the couple found a stool that short, that they can both kneel on. They must be a couple of Virg(in)os to even think this is going to work. The only good thing about this one is that maybe, with Guy’s arms around her waist, he could possibly push Girl onto his dick pretty hard. But, how long could this last? She looks like she’s holding on for dear life. Or that they’ve just taken a good, hard, distant look at each other, and they are having second thoughts.

STAY TUNED FOR THE FOURTH AND FINAL INSTALLMENT!

The first 2 reviews can be found here:

http://gettingdowninchitown.tumblr.com/post/253827405/zodiac-sex-positions-review-this-is-the-poster-i

http://gettingdowninchitown.tumblr.com/post/259240763/zodiac-sex-positions-review-installment-2-ladies

23 February 20 Permalink

Orgasming with a Partner: Myth Debunked!

Dear Lucy,

Omg I swear there is something wrong with me, a guy can do all the right things to me but I’ve never come and just find it impossible to finish. What’s up with that!?

Hm. A little unclear as to what “all the right things” are that guys are doing to you, but I’ll try to make some educated guesses. I’ve been wanting to talk about orgasms for women for a while, so this seems like a good launching off point.

First of all, just like with giving a hand job to a guy (see previous entry), the way you come when you are masturbating and when you are with a partner can be very different. Performance anxiety in front of another person will always make it harder to come, so the first thing you should do is RELAX! If you think about it too hard, an orgasm may never come your way. It may help to limit your sexual experiences to the same person for a while, someone you are attracted to and feel comfortable with. The more your comfort level builds, the more you will be able to relax enough to possibly have an orgasm with him.

I want to make a very important point about a major sexual misconception: NOT ALL WOMEN CAN HAVE ORGASMS FROM PENETRATION. Guys, if the girl you are fucking has an orgasm just from you sticking your dick in her, with no other stimulation, there is a 1 in 4 chance she is faking it (The stats out there on this subject vary. I’ve also seen that only 7% of women can have an orgasm though intercourse alone).

Many, many women can only have orgasms from clitoral stimulation (I’m one of these), or perhaps anal stimulation, playing with nipples, or a combination of many of different types of stimulation.  I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve slept with that just expected me to come from sex (and by that I mean intercourse), and were surprised when I said I couldn’t.

Porn and other representations of sex in the media do not help with this misconception either. Forgive me if you disagree, but I find that many men don’t realize they have a responsibility to help get their lady lovers off too, as the girl may not get as much satisfaction from bangin’ as the guy does. This is sometimes a difficult subject to broach, but it’s worth it. It’s something I’m still working on in my own sex life. Ideally, every time a guy asks me if “it’s good,” I will respond truthfully that the sex feels great, and that I’d also like to help direct him toward other ways that I can come.

Back to you, worried reader: I assume you masturbate. What methods do you use to get yourself off? Consider bringing these same things into the bedroom with you when you are hooking up with a guy. You can rub your clit yourself while being penetrated; this is probably easiest to do if you’re on top, but I like to do it while I’m laying down too. If you’re on top, you can try grinding your clit against his pelvic bone in time with his thrusts. Also consider getting your vibrator involved in the equation, and using it on your clit while fucking. Plenty of nipple stimulation, kissing, and whatever else you like can only help more.

I really like oral sex, and especially before penetration. It gets your vag all nice and wet, and the stimulation literally opens you up, readying her for her lover’s penis. Intercourse may feel even better after coming from oral sex, leading you to another orgasm a little bit later.

Whatever you do with your lovers to make orgasms happen, remember that it may not happen for a while. You may have to experiment with a lot of different combinations of stimulation before you find the mix that’s right for you. And it may vary with different lovers. The most important thing to remember is this: never sacrifice your own pleasure. If he’s not happy to put in the effort to get you off, he’s not worth sleeping with.

Readers, any other orgasm ideas for our friend?

21 February 8 Permalink

Dear Lucy,

What is the best position to be in when giving a hand job?

The tough thing about giving a hand job is admitting that you will never give your dude a hand job that is as good as the one he gives himself. No matter how much you touch your lover’s penis, he’s been touching it for longer and more often than you, and he probably has his jerking off method down to a science. How fast, how slow, how much lube, where to touch, what motion; all these aspects of handjobbery differ per guy, so the most important thing is to realize that giving a great hand job will be a learning experience. Receivers: be vocal about what feels best, and be patient with your stroker. Givers: Listen to your lover, don’t get frustrated, and use lube!

Hand jobs are often used as foreplay, or you may like to switch between oral sex, stroking it, and intercourse, all within the same sexual experience. If you are planning to give a hand job from start to finish, with no oral or intercourse, and you want the end result to be your receiver having an orgasm, be prepared to put a lot of elbow grease into it. It is likely that your hand job could take longer to get him to come than it would be if he were just jerking himself off. Stroking for a long time can be tiring to your arms and hands. My guy friends claim that their jerking off arms have bigger muscles, and there could be some truth to it!

A word about lube: use it! Lube is great. I’ve heard of some guys who are against lube, thinking that is somehow emasculating to use it, or that it’s cheating. But no! Lube is your friend! And you can use so many substances for it: KY jelly, astroglide, olive oil, cocoa butter, Vaseline, saliva. Pour it on, ladies and gentlemen! It also helps to pour the lube into your hands first, so it warms to your skin a bit before rubbing it all over his cock. Also very important to note: DO NOT use oils or oil-based lubes if you are planning to use condoms for sex later. Oil can break down latex, causing a hole in a condom, which pretty much defeats the purpose. Water-based lubes are ideal for sexual experiences involving latex.

Now, onto my reader’s actual question; what position to be in? Talking to some dudes about this, I got a few ideas. One said that he likes to stand while his girl kneels in front of him or sits on a chair. The receiver can also lay down, with you laying or sitting beside him, or kneeling between his legs. One advantage of this position is that he would then get jizz on his own stomach, not on the sheets, which would be easier to clean up. Then there is always the sneaky side-by-side hand job, performed while sitting next to each other, blanket over laps, on the couch, at the movies, or at a concert, whatever. This type of hand job may not result in an orgasm due to the fear of getting caught, but it will certainly get you both all hot and ready for more when you get back to a more private location.

For stroking techniques, I loved the little videos on http://www.handjobadvice.com/ They demonstrate about twenty different methods, from the “Washing Machine” to the “Wild Butterfly,” that will take your man on an “express train to orgasm-town” (their phrase, not mine). To spice things up further, dirty talking helps. Also, make sure your man can see your sexy self. And eye contact is very hot, don’t be shy! Unless you’re using a blindfold, which is its own kind of hot.

Hope that helps. Stroke away, dear readers.

18 February 7 Permalink

Take Off Your Pants

Things aren’t going too well with my current fling. Let’s call him “Austin.” I am dating him because… well mostly because my friends are so damn enthusiastic about it. He’s a friend of a friend, one of those guys you meet at a bunch of parties and get-togethers, but don’t see much at the more intimate gatherings. In any case, he came home with me on Halloween and we have been seeing each other sporadically since then.

Austin is quite funny, which is probably his #1 quality (as my homies keep saying “You’re dating Austin? That’s great! He’s so funny!”). Turns out he’s also smart and artistic, reads books, writes screenplays, paints, draws. All these things are big sellers for me. But then we get in bed.

The first few times we slept together, I was smashed out of my mind, and I believe he was as well. Who knows what happens at these times. I was, gratefully, lucid enough to produce condoms from the under-the-bed box. The rest was… well, pretty forgettable. I woke with pounding headaches and nausea, he left early with promises to call me soon. And he did call, which was nice. We had dates, attended parties together. All our friends cooed about how adorable it all was.

So the other night we hung out totally sober. As bedtime approached, I was mentally admitting to myself that the sex with Austin was so utterly unspectacular that I didn’t know if I even wanted to go there sober. I hadn’t even shaved my legs. We got in my bed (actually, I’ve never been to his apartment. He said his roommate is “really weird.” Austin didn’t want to tell me what was weird about him, just in case I ever came over. Perhaps this should have been a dealbreaker in and of itself.) in all of our clothes. We chatted for a while. We cuddled.

I like chatting in bed, I like cuddling. But I like sex more, the kind where you can’t wait to get home and get naked. The kind where you reach for each other in the middle of the night, and you set your alarm early so your have a little more time for lovin’ before work. Austin does not seem to want any of this. This doesn’t really offend me; I don’t think it’s conscious on his part, and I don’t think he finds me unattractive or anything. But I realized that I didn’t really want to have sex with him that night. What’s the point if it’s unenthusiastic? For Austin, sex seems to be an afterthought. And I was feeling like a PB&J might actually be more enjoyable.

Then came a telling line from Austin: (big yawn) “Well, I’m pretty tired. You tired?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty tired.” I assume this means he doesn’t want to have sex. I am somewhat appalled to realize that I am relieved by this. I am still wearing all my clothes. “I’m gonna take off my bra and pants though.”

I take them off and I am wearing only my undies. They’re cute and lacey, Austin doesn’t notice them. He is still wearing all his clothes.

“Are you sleeping in your jeans?” I ask.

He awkwardly tells me that he always sleeps in pj pants. I am silent, thinking about how he’s definitely slept naked in my bed before, or just in boxers. Things sure are different sober. He seems to take this silence as me thinking he’s weird, which, frankly, I am.

“I’ll take them off, though.” He takes off his pants and we chat more, eventually falling asleep without even kissing.

In the morning, Austin is wearing his jeans again. He tells me he couldn’t sleep, and put them back on in the middle of the night.

He kisses me good bye, and we plan to talk when I get back to town after New Years. And I am beginning to plan my escape from this relationship…

30 December 1 Permalink

Crying and Condoms

I recently found out that an acquaintance of mine (“Carol”) is in her mid-twenties and has only had one serious relationship, which only lasted a few months. Not that that’s bad, it is the way the relationship ended that was unfortunate. Carol and her boyfriend had been dating a month or so before they were ready to have sex. This I find to been perfectly reasonable, and, frankly, I wish I had a few more month-long chaste courtships under my belt. But they always seem to get under my belt (ha) the first night we meet, and the dating comes later… Anyway, Carol’s story continues in this way:

The special night has come, and the couple is ready to seal the deal. Then Carol’s boyfriend declares that he cannot and will not use condoms. What?! She explains that she feels quite the opposite way, and he tops off his ricockulous declaration by crying. Thus the relationship ended.

Here’s what my reaction was: what a fucking pansy asshole! I’m all for guys being able to express their emotions, and a guy who never cries is probably not to be trusted either. But to use crying as a form of manipulation to get a girl to go bareback on the first attempt? Despicable.

Here’s the brutal truth, Carol and all other readers: condoms suck. They really do. No one likes to use them, for a myriad of reasons. They provide less feeling for the guy and less lubrication for the girl, they smell weird, they taste bad, their use prevents a certain moment of spontaneity. And yet, we must all get over these things, because for most sexually active young people, they are a way of life. And a way of retaining the type of life you want to continue having (i.e. a life with less babies and STDs to spoil the fun).

Also, it is the responsibility of men and women alike to have condoms available. Being a woman, I may be biased, but having to deal with other sorts of birth control I sometimes feel like guys should deal with buying the rubbers. I’ve got ‘em in a box next to the bed, to be sure, but it is relieving when I don’t even have to go there cause my partner’s already got it handled.

Hilarious moment from my younger years: my first boyfriend, “Jeff,” was terrified of buying condoms. I usually did it, until one day I insisted it was his turn. I perused the nail polish at Walgreens while waiting for him, but a lot of time had passed and I was starting to wonder what was taking him so long. I find him awkwardly standing by the magazines, holding a pack of gum.

“WTF?” says I. (Actually, this was before the abbreviation was in wide circulation, so I probably said the whole words)

“You’re not going to believe this,” says Jeff, “ but there are NUNS in the condom aisle!”

He looked extremely distraught. I sighed, peeked around the corner at the “family planning” rack and saw two elderly nuns, wimples and all, discussing the band-aids next door to the Trojans. I walked confidently down the aisle, grabbed a box of For-Her-Pleasures, and stalked away. The nuns ceased talking when I walked by, but whatever.

21 December 5 Permalink

Ex Text

Last week I received a text from a guy I dated for a few months last year. The relationship (or “that time we dated a little bit” as I think of it) ended for various reasons, and we hadn’t spoken at all in, like, 6 months.

So, he asked me the usual questions: are you still in Chicago, how’s work, how’s your family and roommates, are you seeing anyone… I answered somewhat assholishly in one-word replies: yes, good, good, sometimes, you?… Maybe I was too flip with the guy, but the truth is I always felt like he liked me more than I liked him, which made me feel like a jerk. And that’s a lot of the reason I dumped him. And here I was being a jerk again.

This guy is quirky, to say the least. Many things about him are things I knew I could not abide for life, so I thought I’d just stick it out for a while and see where things went. Really, I stuck with it cause he’s kinky. Finding someone with a box of rope under the bed is somewhat rare, but this dude also had safety scissors in case you wanted the rope cut off right quick. He understood the need for and the power of a “safe word.” I was impressed by this guy. He had really thought through all the aspects of kinkdom, and I learned a lot about it through him. But, he had a septum piercing and he prayed to a pagan god before meals, so that was the end of that.

I suspected that the purpose of last week’s text was to send out some feelers as to whether I would jump back into bed with him. My suspicions were confirmed with his follow up to my asking, “you?” He says: “Just OFFICIALLY became “partnered” to one of my lovers. We’re going to give poly a serious try. VERY excited. VERY scary.”

Yeah. For real. C’mon! I mean, “partnered,” “lovers,” who talks like that?! And sends that info to an ex? Well, a guy who wants the ex (me, that is) to come have a poly-good-time (ha, just made that up. Get it? Poly, jolly…) with him and his partner. Is the partner even a guy or a girl? I’ll never know. Because my response was simply, “Wow! Good luck embarking on a new frontier.” He didn’t write back. And that was the end of that.

6 December 2 Permalink

Zodiac Sex Positions Review- Installment 2

Ladies and gentlemen, time to switch on the blacklight, turn up the Hendrix, and make some more astrological whoopee.

ARIES (March 20-April 19)- “Fearless”
What is going on here? I guess it’s the Guy’s turn to fuck a dead person. He’s got a good hold on her and seems to be going for it “fearlessly” indeed. She, on the other hand, does not seem fearless. She seems like she’s trying to escape, what other purpose could those jazz hands have? Well, my partner in the real life zodiac sex positions trial was an Aries, and he insisted we try this position. So, we went forth fearlessly, and discovered it’s actually pretty fun. The girl’s hands, however, work much better placed on the floor, or her knees, or the wall, or the bed. Jazz hands simply will not do, unless you’re practicing for a musical.

TAURUS (April 19-May 20)- “Creative”
It’s springtime, and things are getting crazy! We see here that Poster Couple took the bull by the horns (ha, Taurus joke) and got really “creative.” Upside-down 69 is, in fact, nearly impossible. Unless the guy is a football player and the girl a petite acrobat, I don’t really see why you’d need to keep this position in your arsenal. Even if Guy does succeed in flipping Girl upside-down like that, how long could you keep it up? Certainly not long enough for either party to have an orgasm, what with the worry that someone could get seriously injured at any moment. Forget you, Taurus.

GEMINI (May 20-June 21)- “Superior”
Ok, we can all now admit that Doggie-style is our favorite position. Come on, you know it’s true! When “making love” is just too mushy for you, honey, get yourself down on your knees and take it from behind. We found the penetration is deeper like this, the Guy can get a good hold on the Girl’s booty, the Girl can bite the pillow.  Poster Couple agrees, look at how into it they are! Perhaps this position is named thusly because the Guy is dominating the Girl, making him in the “superior” place. But she looks like she’s lovin it; I know I did. Truly the most “superior” of sex positions.

27 November 4 Permalink

Zodiac Sex Positions Review

This is the poster I had hanging on the wall during my college years. It is flocked with black velveteen, glows under a blacklight, and is a great reminder of the zodiac calendar. Oh, and it provides excellent ideas for sex positions to try throughout the year, each with a strange title! What more could you want from a wall hanging??

Of course, each astrological sign has been tried by yours truly and a male companion, for better or for worse…

CAPRICORN (December 21-January 20)- “Aware”
Let us begin the year with the Reverse Cowgirl, shall we? Considering that Capricorn is actually the sign of the sea-goat (an animal which is now extinct), we can infer that the sex positions represented on the poster have little to do with the correlating zodiac symbol. In any case, Reverse Cowgirl is a delight for the woman and the man. The girl gets to be in control, moving at the speed she wishes. The guy gets an excellent view (Guy on Poster certainly seems “aware” of this), with plenty of opportunity for ass grabbin’ and slappin’. Plus, who doesn’t want to be called “Cowgirl?”

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)- “Humanitarian”
This position can only be described as “Girl on Top of Dead Guy.” Yes, it’s awesome to be on top, but why is Guy on Poster lying there catatonically? Perhaps she is a necrophiliac and snuck into the morgue in the middle of the night. Or maybe I’m interpreting this image incorrectly and she’s a real “humanitarian” trying to pick up a drowning victim. But if this is really meant to be a positive sexual experience with both members alive and well, why is the guy lying there with his arms flopped to the sides? Show a little interest, man!

PISCES (February 18-March 20)- “Provider”
Aw yeah, missionary! Guy on Poster is “providing” the Girl with some sweet loving, and she seems to be enjoying it! Missionary is the international symbol of sex, accepted the world around. And there are so many reasons to love it: lots of skin-to-skin contact, kissing, whispering sweet nothings, the girl wrapping her legs around the guy. Yes, it’s good to mix it up, but sometimes there’s nothing like a nice missionary tumble in the hay.

STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT ROUND OF ZODIAC SEX POSITION TRIALS!

22 November 64 Permalink