Post(s) tagged with "sex advice"
-
~ Mitch Hedberg
My fiancee has a porn addiction and we never have sex anymore. He prefers porn over sex with a real person. WTF am I supposed to do about that?
Well, simply put, ya don’t get married. At least not until the situation has majorly changed.
I don’t know how long you and your fiance have been together, or how long his “porn addiction” has been a problem. But I do know it is a terrible idea to get hitched if you have any sort of giant problem with your sex life looming overhead.
Think about these things: how do you know that he prefers watching porn (and, I assume, masturbation) over sex with a person? Does he jerk it to porn when you’re around, and ignore you? Or does it happen when he’s home alone, and it’s something that you find out about later? Has he told you about porn-over-people explicitly, when you’ve tried to initiate sexy time with him? Or are you guessing?
Perhaps porn-viewing is something you can enjoy together. Not necessarily every single time you’re getting down, but every so often. If it turns him on, and you’re there to turn him on even further, it could be a great sexual experience. I’ve learned that most dudes enjoy porn, and that many of them don’t really connect it to real sex. Some view it simply as a mechanism to get turned on, like you’d use a vibrator. This turn-on mechanism isn’t alive or emotional, it can’t speak to or respond to another person. But combine a real live human’s assistance with a vibe or a porn-playing laptop, and BING! O-face.
I know that my boyfriend watches porn when I’m not home sometimes. Sometimes we watch it together, because the things happening on the screen aren’t things we can replicate in our bedroom (although I’d LOVE a wrestling ring and a latex wardrobe, thank you very much!). I’ve also had the experience of dudes having a bit of a difficult time getting/keeping it up, due to nerves, booze, or what-have-you. Having porn playing in the background seemed to help bring these situations to a successful end.
Of course, all my blathering could be for naught if you, indeed, had a talk with your fiance in which he straight up said: “I prefer jerking off to porn over having sex with you or any other real-live person.” If that is the case, he needs to decide whether this is something he’d like to change for your benefit. Hopefully, this is a habit he’ll want to work on transforming. This may require counselling from a professional, and patience from you. Again, I must reiterate that going through with a marriage is off the table until you two have worked this out to a place of mutual satisfaction.
If he’s not willing to change this habit, or he doesn’t understand why it’s a problem, well, unfortunately it’s time for you to move on. It may be difficult to end a relationship that had gone so far as to turn into an engagement. However, getting married won’t magically solve this problem with your sex life. And you do not want to get yourself stuck in a life without sex.
Good luck,
xoxo Lucy
How many inches do you call a “proper size”? I’m not really sure if it’s big enough…
I assume that this question of “proper size” is referring to penis size specifically. Well, my friend, there is no correct answer to this question because one, single, proper size of dick does not exist in the world. The proper size must be determined subjectively by whomever is experiencing the penis: both yourself and your partner. There is much insight to be found in the phrase “it’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean.”
A wide-spread (ha! sorry) stereotype in terms of guys’ cocks is that bigger is better. However, there are many more petite gals out there that just can’t deal with too much dick. If you are well-endowed, you just might not fit too great into smaller vaginas. Trying to stuff it in to a too-small space might make both of you uncomfortable, or even cause pain, and that’s not going to give you the pleasure and satisfaction you want.
The opposite may be true as well; a penis may be too small for a girl to get a lot of feeling from peen-vag sex. Then again, a girl may not have orgasm at all from intercourse, and her smaller-dicked boyfriend may be particularly gifted at the oral arts, so size isn’t an issue anyway. What I’m trying to say is that, really, any pairing of two people in a sexual situation is going to require a trial period. You’ll try out different positions and motions and discover what you both like best when you are being intimate with one another. This same principle applies for any couple, any size, any gender: there’s not a “proper” size, gender, position, motion, lubricant, birth control method, color of bedsheets, the list goes on. Every aspect of successful sex depends on how one feels in that particular instant.
This may even change from day to day! I’ve been with only one dick for over a year now, and we’re still discovering new stuff. And, depending on how my body feels and what part of my cycle I’m on, we’ve noticed that certain things feel better one day, and not as good the next. There’s some days that I feel like Lance’s dick is bumping into my IUD when we’re having sex, and I just can’t get comfortable having him in very deep. There’s other days that he’ll go really deep, and I can’t get enough. So there you go.
One more semi-related comment: if you think your dick is too small, don’t try to enlarge it. It’s impossible. My buddy Rod somehow aquired a penis pump in college, and I wickedly convinced him to try it out. Standing outside the bathroom door, I made Rod give me the play-by-play as he stuck his dick into this plastic tube and pumped. After yelling through the door, “My dick’s turning purple!” and “Now it’s just stuck to the side of the tube!” Rod determined that the penis pump was a sham and he gave up. And good reason too, I hear his lady likes his penis size just fine.
xoxo,
Lucy
HAPPY 2012!
New Years Resolutions for Everyone Who Likes Sex
Last year, I came up with 3 simple resolutions for my readers and their lovers:
1. Communicate
2. Be Adventurous
3. Use Protection
Well, I don’t think I want to change those resolutions, cause they are all important, and I believe that we should all strive to stick to all three. Or get on it now, and start resolving to do all three, if you haven’t been already. Read 2011’s entire post here to get the details on why you should adhere to communication, adventure, and protection for all.
However, it is a new year, a new beginning, and time to add a few more resolutions to our sex lives. Here’s what I got for y’all this year:
4. Shop Local
I’ve been on a huge local kick this year. Purchasing things within your community is a great idea: your money goes right back into the region where you live, which, in this fucked-up economic time we’re living in, is a good thing. So, why stop at farmer’s markets and book stores? Buy local at SEX STORES, too! Sure, it’s easy to purchase sex toys, lingerie, porn, and whatever else you need online. However, that money’s going to a faceless computer, not your well-meaning, sex-positive neighbor! You may be shy to go and buy stuff in person, but this is a hurdle worth overcoming. I, personally, love talking with the clerks at adult stores. There’s something so refreshing about chatting it up in public about dildos and lube, when in most places it would be totally inapprope to bring up such subjects.
I plan to take some time this year to write up a little something about many of the sex shops in Chicago, like I did recently for The Erotic Warehouse. I’ll keep you posted on the greatest spots to stock up on all things silicone and leather!
5. Use Technology Wisely
We’re learning more and more about the impact that technology can have on one’s personal life. It seems like each week we hear another article on sexting gone wrong, whether for a teenager or a senator (or both! ew). It is important to be mindful about the ways that your privacy can be compromised due to the ever-developing world of phones, cameras, and networking capabilities. Basically, don’t send naked pictures to anyone you don’t absolutely 100% trust. Don’t leave digital nakey pix on your phone, camera, or any portable devices. Don’t look at sexy stuff at work. Use common sense to protect yourself and those you are involved with.
6. Compliment your Bedmate
This is part of general communication, but also something I’d like to address specifically. It is important to tell your main squeeze what you like about them. The compliments you give them can be about anything: the way they look, smell, dress, smile, or laugh. Things they do well in bed, or an interesting point they brought up in a political discussion at a recent dinner party. Better yet, compliment her/him on a variety of things during the time you spend together. It will make him/her feel secure, comfortable, and more self-confident. She/he will feel happier around you, and will hopefully return the favor and say some nice things about you, too.
Well, my darlings, those are my thoughts on the start of the new year, and the ways to best keep your relationships happy and healthy. I hope 2012 is good one for you and yours!
xoxo,
Lucy
I’ll Take Mine King-Sized, Thank you…
Hello my dears,
Thought you might want a little update on what my boyfriend, Lance, and I have been doing lately. Well, we just got back from a four-day trip with his family. The trip was pretty great, lots of good places to eat and wonderful things to see, but really there was one highlight for me: the hotel bed.
Our hotel was pretty decked out, and beautiful. I was super excited to stay there, and when Lance and I entered our hotel room, I almost xdied with happiness. Taking up most of the room was a huge, four-poster, pillow-top, fluffy, down-comforter-covered, warm, giant, luxurious, delightful king-sized bed! At that point I sighed dramatically, realizing that, yes, I would have to go out at some point during the trip. I could not spend the whole time in the beautiful bed, but I could sure as hell spend as much time as possible in it!
I may sounds overly excited, but you have to understand that at home Lance and I sleep in a double-bed, the same from when I was twelve. It has a gorgeous brass bed frame, so I’m reluctant to upgrade to something more adult sized. Besides, it makes king-sized adventures in hotels that much more fun!
From that point on, whenever Lance and I were freed of our sight-seeing duties, we went up to our room and dropped our clothes in a trail from the door to the bed. You could do anythign while lying in this bed: read, write, knit, watch the enormous TV, drink tea, eat snacks. I was fond of lying completely sideways or diagonally, as this giant piece of furniture may have been wider than it was long. I also like burying myself in the sheets and blankets, and making Lance guess where my head and feet were.
Then, of course, we had lots of spectacular sexy time in the giant bed, as well. It was so cushy and comfy and bouncy, and we could orient ourselves any direction. And don’t think those posts on the corners of the bed frame were neglected; in a situation like this, I am of the mind that some tying up simply must be done. Not having come prepared with any rope or cuffs of anything (what were we thinking??), we had to make do with shoelaces. That worked fine, but my advice if you’re using something thin, like shoelaces, to tie someone up is to be careful about how tight you tie. You always want to keep your circulation to your hands and feet going healhtily, so keep the knots loose. If you give yourself into the fun and fantasy of the experience, you don’t have to necessarily be tied in such a way that you actually can’t get free. Even if the rope is loose, you’ll still feel like you’re in bondage, and that’s what really matters.
So, that’s it for now. We’re back home in Chicago, in our regular double bed. Sigh. Maybe some elf will leave a king-sized under the tree…
xoxo,
Lucy
Is a guy supposed to wear a condom while you give them a blow job?
Really, “supposed to” is something that you and this guy need to decide for yourselves.
Is using a condom for oral sex safer; does it give you and your partner less risk of passing STIs between you? Yes, it is safer, and does provide more protection from orally-passed STIs.
Is dude going to be able to have an orgasm with a condom on? As long as you work together to help him attain one. Meaning, he tells you what feels right, and you are game for putting in the work. Don’t worry, he’ll get there. And with much easier clean up!
Do condoms taste good? Well, they taste like balloons and rubber gloves, so if you like that taste… Seriously though, DO NOT use lubricated condoms for oral sex. Nasty. Flavored condoms are pretty easy to find, and come in a delicious variety (banana, vanilla, kiss o’ mint…). These rubbers are meant specifically for oral sex, and not for vaginal or anal intercourse. So you gotta hope that somebody’s using them for blowjobs, cause the condom companies keep making them.
On that note, I heard from a friend that the teen clinic at which he works kept running out of flavored condoms. A lot of BJ-safety-conscious teenagers, you ask? Unfortunately, no. Turns out the hooligans were chewing on the condoms like gum. Ew, ew, ew. Never do.
If you and this due you’re blowing are newly acquainted, it’s a great idea to use condoms for all penis-related sex activities. If you’re hooking up with multiple penises, it’s an even better idea. Keep using condoms until you’re settling into a more committed relationship, in which both you and your guy get tested, and agree not to hook up with others. Then it’s ok to shed the sheaths, as long as you stick to your agreements.
xoxo,
Lucy
Chi-Town Adventures: The Erotic Warehouse
The other night I was out with some girlfriends. We went to an art opening on Lake St and drank wine, feeling very fancy and sophisticated. But, that was all about to change! I was driving the ladies home, and we found ourselves on the Near West side, like on Randoloh with its odd mix of upscale restaurants and food packing plants. Then, out of the corner of my eye I spotted an anomaly in this already odd part of town: a non-descript brown brick building displaying these words: EROTIC WAREHOUSE.
Needless to say, I spun my truck right around and pulled into the warehouse’s shady parking lot. Giggling and not really knowing what to expect, the ladies and I jumped out of the car and stepped through the front door.
What we encountered was not as terrifying as I was expecting. The Erotic Warehouse is a pretty typical sex supply shop, well-stocked with dildos and videos. It has none of the airs of your froofier sex shops, where everything is displayed on white shelves and lucite stands, and you can test all the vibrators with hand-painted batteries. No, the toys at the Warehouse are all safely enclosed in their packaging, plastered with photos of porn stores in all their glistening glory.
After wandering around for a bit, my gals and I came across the bachelorette party section of the store, in which every item is shaped like a penis. Eureka! Our (straight, male) friend’s birthday party was the next evening, and clearly the penis pinata was the gift to bring. Doubles as a party game! We hunted the warehouse for things to fill it with, and the girl at the counter was happy to suggest the tiny penis-shaped candies (I assume they taste like runts or sweet tarts? Ew, both of those would gross in this context). She told us, grinning, that the candies would scatter around the room when the pinata burst, and you could still find them weeks later, at which you’d say to yourself, “ooh a little dick!”
That register girl, though pretty scary looking, was just a delight. She also kindly advised us to wash the penis straws before use, as many people “test them out” while waiting to be rung up. I took that advice, for sure. We also stuffed the pinata with some “sexy scratchers” bachelorette party lotto tickets, some Magnums I had at home (sorry, Lance doesn’t have any other sizes ;) and leftover Halloween candy. The gift was complete.
Our birthday boy was disturbed, yet touched by our thoughtfulness. We strung the present up on the balcony at his house, and he knocked the pinata right off on the first whack. It then exploded in the street, and the partygoers scrambled to pick up the loot. Needless to say, the straws were the hit of the evening. Perfect for slurping up PBR from a can.
Thanks, Erotic Warehouse.
(1246 W. Randolph)
xoxo,
Lucy
Dear Lucy, I’ve been with my boyfriend for just about a year now and I lost my virginity to him ages ago. Recently, he told me I wasn’t great in bed. I thought everything (sexually) was great. Major confidence drainer; I’ve felt awful since he told me. My only saving grace is that he’s the only guy I’ve had sex with so it’s partially his fault too ;P How do I recover from hearing this? :( I’ve had awful confidence issues all my life, improved dramatically, now I’m back to where I started. :(
Pardon moi? He said WHAT?!
It is way not cool to tell someone they aren’t great in bed, and then just leave it at that. Did he offer anything else? Specifics? Things he wanted that you could try together? If not, then you are left with no way to move forward, and that is his bad. You can’t “recover” from an insensitive comment like this. You can only discuss it fully, and come up with a plan together on how to make your sexy-time improve. And, are you sure you’re entirely satisfied? Maybe you can also bring up some things that would make you happier in bed, as well.
As for your self-confidence, it is a total dick move for this dude to bring you down like that. It is his responsibility as your partner to make you feel good about yourself. If he is not complimentary and confidence-boosting in any part of your relationship, then it is time to end the relationship. Start seeing someone who will make you feel GOOD, emotionally and physically, and who understands that communication is the only way for a healthy relationship to develop.
Everyone has the power to be good in bed. It takes practice, and most importantly, COMMUNICATION.
xoxo,
Lucy
Life. Love. Lust.
I'm Lucy. I live in Chicago and I like to talk about sex. Give me a topic: I'm happy to answer any questions about love, sex, and relationships. Email me at LucyRockwell@gmail.com Follow @LucyRockwell
Ask me anything about sex and love! Submit
