Post(s) tagged with "sex tips"
My fiancee has a porn addiction and we never have sex anymore. He prefers porn over sex with a real person. WTF am I supposed to do about that?
Well, simply put, ya don’t get married. At least not until the situation has majorly changed.
I don’t know how long you and your fiance have been together, or how long his “porn addiction” has been a problem. But I do know it is a terrible idea to get hitched if you have any sort of giant problem with your sex life looming overhead.
Think about these things: how do you know that he prefers watching porn (and, I assume, masturbation) over sex with a person? Does he jerk it to porn when you’re around, and ignore you? Or does it happen when he’s home alone, and it’s something that you find out about later? Has he told you about porn-over-people explicitly, when you’ve tried to initiate sexy time with him? Or are you guessing?
Perhaps porn-viewing is something you can enjoy together. Not necessarily every single time you’re getting down, but every so often. If it turns him on, and you’re there to turn him on even further, it could be a great sexual experience. I’ve learned that most dudes enjoy porn, and that many of them don’t really connect it to real sex. Some view it simply as a mechanism to get turned on, like you’d use a vibrator. This turn-on mechanism isn’t alive or emotional, it can’t speak to or respond to another person. But combine a real live human’s assistance with a vibe or a porn-playing laptop, and BING! O-face.
I know that my boyfriend watches porn when I’m not home sometimes. Sometimes we watch it together, because the things happening on the screen aren’t things we can replicate in our bedroom (although I’d LOVE a wrestling ring and a latex wardrobe, thank you very much!). I’ve also had the experience of dudes having a bit of a difficult time getting/keeping it up, due to nerves, booze, or what-have-you. Having porn playing in the background seemed to help bring these situations to a successful end.
Of course, all my blathering could be for naught if you, indeed, had a talk with your fiance in which he straight up said: “I prefer jerking off to porn over having sex with you or any other real-live person.” If that is the case, he needs to decide whether this is something he’d like to change for your benefit. Hopefully, this is a habit he’ll want to work on transforming. This may require counselling from a professional, and patience from you. Again, I must reiterate that going through with a marriage is off the table until you two have worked this out to a place of mutual satisfaction.
If he’s not willing to change this habit, or he doesn’t understand why it’s a problem, well, unfortunately it’s time for you to move on. It may be difficult to end a relationship that had gone so far as to turn into an engagement. However, getting married won’t magically solve this problem with your sex life. And you do not want to get yourself stuck in a life without sex.
Good luck,
xoxo Lucy
HAPPY 2012!
New Years Resolutions for Everyone Who Likes Sex
Last year, I came up with 3 simple resolutions for my readers and their lovers:
1. Communicate
2. Be Adventurous
3. Use Protection
Well, I don’t think I want to change those resolutions, cause they are all important, and I believe that we should all strive to stick to all three. Or get on it now, and start resolving to do all three, if you haven’t been already. Read 2011’s entire post here to get the details on why you should adhere to communication, adventure, and protection for all.
However, it is a new year, a new beginning, and time to add a few more resolutions to our sex lives. Here’s what I got for y’all this year:
4. Shop Local
I’ve been on a huge local kick this year. Purchasing things within your community is a great idea: your money goes right back into the region where you live, which, in this fucked-up economic time we’re living in, is a good thing. So, why stop at farmer’s markets and book stores? Buy local at SEX STORES, too! Sure, it’s easy to purchase sex toys, lingerie, porn, and whatever else you need online. However, that money’s going to a faceless computer, not your well-meaning, sex-positive neighbor! You may be shy to go and buy stuff in person, but this is a hurdle worth overcoming. I, personally, love talking with the clerks at adult stores. There’s something so refreshing about chatting it up in public about dildos and lube, when in most places it would be totally inapprope to bring up such subjects.
I plan to take some time this year to write up a little something about many of the sex shops in Chicago, like I did recently for The Erotic Warehouse. I’ll keep you posted on the greatest spots to stock up on all things silicone and leather!
5. Use Technology Wisely
We’re learning more and more about the impact that technology can have on one’s personal life. It seems like each week we hear another article on sexting gone wrong, whether for a teenager or a senator (or both! ew). It is important to be mindful about the ways that your privacy can be compromised due to the ever-developing world of phones, cameras, and networking capabilities. Basically, don’t send naked pictures to anyone you don’t absolutely 100% trust. Don’t leave digital nakey pix on your phone, camera, or any portable devices. Don’t look at sexy stuff at work. Use common sense to protect yourself and those you are involved with.
6. Compliment your Bedmate
This is part of general communication, but also something I’d like to address specifically. It is important to tell your main squeeze what you like about them. The compliments you give them can be about anything: the way they look, smell, dress, smile, or laugh. Things they do well in bed, or an interesting point they brought up in a political discussion at a recent dinner party. Better yet, compliment her/him on a variety of things during the time you spend together. It will make him/her feel secure, comfortable, and more self-confident. She/he will feel happier around you, and will hopefully return the favor and say some nice things about you, too.
Well, my darlings, those are my thoughts on the start of the new year, and the ways to best keep your relationships happy and healthy. I hope 2012 is good one for you and yours!
xoxo,
Lucy
Is a guy supposed to wear a condom while you give them a blow job?
Really, “supposed to” is something that you and this guy need to decide for yourselves.
Is using a condom for oral sex safer; does it give you and your partner less risk of passing STIs between you? Yes, it is safer, and does provide more protection from orally-passed STIs.
Is dude going to be able to have an orgasm with a condom on? As long as you work together to help him attain one. Meaning, he tells you what feels right, and you are game for putting in the work. Don’t worry, he’ll get there. And with much easier clean up!
Do condoms taste good? Well, they taste like balloons and rubber gloves, so if you like that taste… Seriously though, DO NOT use lubricated condoms for oral sex. Nasty. Flavored condoms are pretty easy to find, and come in a delicious variety (banana, vanilla, kiss o’ mint…). These rubbers are meant specifically for oral sex, and not for vaginal or anal intercourse. So you gotta hope that somebody’s using them for blowjobs, cause the condom companies keep making them.
On that note, I heard from a friend that the teen clinic at which he works kept running out of flavored condoms. A lot of BJ-safety-conscious teenagers, you ask? Unfortunately, no. Turns out the hooligans were chewing on the condoms like gum. Ew, ew, ew. Never do.
If you and this due you’re blowing are newly acquainted, it’s a great idea to use condoms for all penis-related sex activities. If you’re hooking up with multiple penises, it’s an even better idea. Keep using condoms until you’re settling into a more committed relationship, in which both you and your guy get tested, and agree not to hook up with others. Then it’s ok to shed the sheaths, as long as you stick to your agreements.
xoxo,
Lucy
Dear Lucy, I’ve been with my boyfriend for just about a year now and I lost my virginity to him ages ago. Recently, he told me I wasn’t great in bed. I thought everything (sexually) was great. Major confidence drainer; I’ve felt awful since he told me. My only saving grace is that he’s the only guy I’ve had sex with so it’s partially his fault too ;P How do I recover from hearing this? :( I’ve had awful confidence issues all my life, improved dramatically, now I’m back to where I started. :(
Pardon moi? He said WHAT?!
It is way not cool to tell someone they aren’t great in bed, and then just leave it at that. Did he offer anything else? Specifics? Things he wanted that you could try together? If not, then you are left with no way to move forward, and that is his bad. You can’t “recover” from an insensitive comment like this. You can only discuss it fully, and come up with a plan together on how to make your sexy-time improve. And, are you sure you’re entirely satisfied? Maybe you can also bring up some things that would make you happier in bed, as well.
As for your self-confidence, it is a total dick move for this dude to bring you down like that. It is his responsibility as your partner to make you feel good about yourself. If he is not complimentary and confidence-boosting in any part of your relationship, then it is time to end the relationship. Start seeing someone who will make you feel GOOD, emotionally and physically, and who understands that communication is the only way for a healthy relationship to develop.
Everyone has the power to be good in bed. It takes practice, and most importantly, COMMUNICATION.
xoxo,
Lucy
After taking a poll of all the friends in the room at the time (2 guys, 2 gal. All experienced BJ givers & receivers), my initial thoughts were confirmed: letting it back out is usually the way to go.
To clarify, what I think you mean is that you give a guy a blowjob, he ejaculates in your mouth, and then you open your mouth while he finishes his orgasm. This lets his jizz run out of your mouth, down his dick, and onto his crotch, your hands (if they’re involved), and maybe the bed or whatever surface he’s sitting/laying on. Yes, it’s messy. But if you’re not into swallowing every time, this is a completely acceptable action.
The best way to deal with the mess is to be prepared. While spontaneity is valuable occasionally, if you know you’re getting down into sexy time, you can take a sec to get ready for it. Have a towel handy for clean up, or a dirty t-shirt from the laundry hamper. Lance and I keep a stack of bandannas on his dresser for various household uses; BJ cleanup being a common one. Your dude can also sit on a towel while receiving head, in order to save the sheets, or your Italian leather sofa.
Unless you really love swallowing, you can save it for the times when it’s totes necessary, like giving oral outdoors, or in the car. On such an occasion, mess is not as easy to deal with. You could, however, simply spit out the window, or into a kleenex. Not the classiest move, but understandable.
One more thing: when discussing this subject with my pals, one guy said, “I don’t get this obsession people have with swallowing, anyway.” This led to a healthy debate, which we all came to an agreement on at the end. It was this: swallowing can be fun and sexy if you genuinely like swallowing come. It can also be hot if you like some demeaning domination-type play, wherein you are “forced” to swallow (after a discussion with your partner about the D/s games you’re both consenting to). We think this type of situation may be the root of some people’s beliefs that swallowing is always the way to go. And we end with this: as long as you’re both into it, and communicating well, go for it. If the potential swallower is not on the same page, then it’s not cool to just bust a nut in a somebody’s mouth and expect them to swallow it cause that’s what happens in porn. Be real with each other.
xoxo,
Lucy
P.S. More info on swallowing here
Until You’re Mine, I Draw the Line
Dear Lucy,
I’ve been on 2 dates with a guy I could end up dating long-term. On our 2nd date I conveniently forgot my apartment key; ending up staying the night at his place. We made out, he fingered and caressed me, and I gave him a couple of hand jobs. I feel comfortable with the casualness of the night, but I denied him when he asked for a blow job (price of admission is eating me out!). I want to experiment more with him (I’m a virgin). How do I tell him I’m drawing the line until we’re more official?
Based on what you’ve written, I am a bit confused about where you want to actually “draw the line” with the guy you’re seeing.
You’re already involved in sexual acts with this dude, and it sounds like it’s going well so far. You gave each other manual stimulation, and you said you felt comfortable.
Then you denied a blow job, supposedly because you wanted to balance it out with receiving oral, as well. That’s totally reasonable, but is this something you explained to him? Did he know you wanted it, and he denied it? Or did you not bring it up fully and honestly?
Also, when you say you “conveniently forgot your apartment key,” was this intentional and you wanted to stay the night at his place, or did he convince you to went you weren’t to keen on it? These are important aspects of your blossoming relationship that you need to consider seriously before moving forward. Essentially, are you going to take control of your own wants and needs, or let yourself be swayed when you’re not really feeling it?
It’s great that you want to experiment, and if you’re comfortable with your new man-friend, then you should totally go for it. When it comes down to it, my main piece of advice on how to tell him you’re drawing the is to tell him you’re drawing the line.
It’s your responsibility to explain to him what you want out of your relationship, romantically and sexually. And then you need to listen, and have a conversation and what he wants. If you find that you are on the same page about being safe and honest, and you are both genuinely interested in making each other happy, then you will be in a good place to move forward. It’s not fair, however, to lead him on, making him think that you want something that you will later deny or revoke.
Maybe it sounds contrived, but it never fails to be true: the key to any relationship in life is communication. Use it well.
xoxo, Lucy
Don’t Wanna Be… ALL BY MYSELF ANYMOOOOORE!
Dear Lucy, I’m worried I may be one of those women who can’t orgasm with a partner. I like to masturbate, who doesn’t?, but I’m afraid that I’ve built up a ridiculous stamina and now I won’t be able to climax with a partner. Is this a problem or what?
I used to feel similarly- I had found just the right way to give myself an orgasm, and I didn’t think that anyone else would be able to get me there. Happily, I was wrong!
First of all, your me-time has shown you that you can, indeed, have an orgasm from some sort of physical stimulation, so you’ve got that covered.
Secondly, consider the way in which you masturbate. If you use one specific method that gets ‘er done quick, it may be time to switch it up. For instance, if you use a vibrator every time you get yourself off, put the toy away for awhile and start using just your fingers, or the showerhead, or a non-vibe dildo, or, hell, a carrot.
The point is to train yourself to have orgasms in different ways, and to find different touches, textures, and rhythms that can still make you come. This will help you get used to the fingers, tongue, or carrots of a partner, who will not have a touch you’re used to right away.
The next step is to make a promise to yourself to be open about communication when you are with a partner. If s/he is not licking, thrusting, or wiggling around on you in a way that is going to lead you to Orgasm Town, you must tell your partner. Conversely, if s/he IS doing the right things to you at the right time, tell them! Then they can store that info in their memory banks for later, and the next time you’re together, they’ll have good place to start. If you’re shy, you gotta get over it to have successful and satisfying partner sex. Nobody’s gonna feel weird about a few helpful hints, like “Lower! Slower! Deeper! Over there! Squeeze!” (or what have you).
Know that it will take time. You may not see (well, feel) the results you desire for a good while. Just keep trying, experimenting, masturbating, communicating. And the great news on this one: it will get better with practice.
Good luck, let me know how it goes!
xoxo,
Lucy
It’s Better Wetter!
Dear Lucy,
Alright, so when I have sex, I can never (and I mean never) get wet enough for it to actually be pleasing. I’ve had a fair amount of sex, but it’s always spanned out over time. I really want to use lube, but I honestly don’t understand how to use it, and I feel like it will be incredibly strange asking to use it. Can you give me some lube-related advice?
Indeed I can! First of all, let’s discuss your wetness, and what it is you call “sex.” If you mean penis-vagina intercourse, it is highly advisable to do some things to get your vagina ready for such an action. There are many reasons that people praise foreplay, one of the most important of which being making a lady’s vag moist. Stimulation of your vagina makes you feel good, and lets your vagina know that possible penetration is coming up soon. Having your clitoris and vaginal lips touched, licked, sucked on, etc, can make your vag open up, feel more sensitive, and start to produce natural vaginal fluid.
You say, however, that you never get wet enough. Perhaps you need more foreplay, in the form of mainly oral sex. If your partner goes down on you for a good while, this can get you super excited, causing you to produce more vagina juices. At the same time, your partner’s saliva will be getting all over your nether regions, making you even wetter. (If that sounds gross, get over yourself. This is a sex blog.)
If not enough lube is happening the natural way, then it is way ok to get some wetness-in-a-bottle. I find that condoms tend to dry you out more quickly, rubbing away your own natural moisture. Use lubricated condoms as a first step. Then, add more lube!
Muy importante!!: Do not use oil-based lubes with condoms. This makes the latex material that condoms are made of break down, holes are created, prophylactic now is useless. Any respectable sex shop will make you’re aware of this when you’re purchasing lube, but if they don’t say anything, double check that your lube is WATER-BASED before you buy.
Choosing a water-based lube is pretty fun, actually. There’s a lot of brands out there, and some sex shops let you put a little on your fingers and rub it around to feel the consistency. If you’re rubbing the lube between your fingers for just a couple minutes before your fingers feel dry, look for another brand that stays wet for longer. You can even try flavored lubes! (But only choose SUGAR-FREE flavored lubes, as sugar can cause yeast infections. I’m serious.)
Now, how do you use lubrication? Well, it’s pretty simple: squirt about a quarter-sized amount into your hand, then spread your legs and rub it all over your vag; clit, lips, inside too. Your partner can also do this for you, which can be pretty sexy. I advise squirting it into your hand first, because straight lube onto your vag can feel shockingly cold for a sec (even though the lube’s room temp, your crotch is hotter by far).
Next, CLOSE THE BOTTLE of lube before losing it in the sheets, as you don’t want to find a sticky puddle in the bed later. Yuckola.
Then, try out some intercourse and see how it goes. The dude can rub lube on his cock, too, for double lube action! Apply more lube when needed, and try different brands to see what works best for ya. I say go for “Hydrasmooth” brand, if you can find it.
As for “feeling incredibly strange” asking to use lube, don’t ask: tell. Have lube in reach by your bed, and bring a small bottle with you if you’re having a grown-up sleepover. Then, post-foreplay, if you’re not feeling wet enough, grab your trusty bottle of wetness while your dude rolls on a condom. Say, “Here, let’s use some lube. It makes sex feel really good for me.” Then apply it yourself, or have him do it. Any guy worth being in bed with you will make YOUR good feelings a priority, and he’ll be happy to oblige. If not, kick his dry ass out of bed.
xoxo,
Lucy
Sixty-Nine Time!
Dear Lucy,
I really want to 69 with my boyfriend and he is VERY keen to do it too. I have given him head a few times, and he has eaten me out plenty of times. That’s not the issue…
It’s just, I don’t exactly like the idea of him being so close to my bumhole, it’s okay when he eats me out, cause he’s not close to it, but in 69 isn’t his like nose heaps close to it? I don’t shave down there, only near my pussy, and I am just super duper uncomfortable with him being that close, will it smell or will he accidentally lick it? I am so worried about something going wrong. But I want to do it. :(
First off, I love the term bumhole. It’s cute! Well, that may be debatable I guess. In any case, we don’t say it enough in America. I resolve to use it more.
More importantly, YES, your boyfriend’s nose will be close to your bumhole while you are 69ing each other. This is not, however, a situation for worry. In case you haven’t noticed, sex is a sticky, dirty, sweaty, smelly situation. And that’s ok, in fact it’s glorious! Unless you want to go forth into a lifetime of boredom in bed, you will need to accept that uncomfortable, dirty things will happen during sex sometimes. And after a while, you may even learn to love them.
You have great worries about being eaten out upside-down, thinking that something will “go wrong.” If you’re worried about smelling bad, there are a few things to consider. If you’re super uncomfortable, just wash your butt before sexy time, with a little soap and warm water on a wash cloth. If you’re worried about farting in your guy’s face, well, accept that it could happen some day. Generally, however, I think that you’ll be able to tell that a toot is coming; give him fair warning, so he’ll have time to move before getting a noseful of potent gas.
Also, keep in mind that you don’t need to 69 every day of your life after you try it the first time. 69ing is an awesome way for both partners to get pleasure, and it’s a great alternative to peen-vag penetration. But it’s probably not the only thing you and your partner will ever do together in the whole wide sex world. What I mean by this, is that you can suggest something else besides the 69 if, for instance, you ate a ton of chili and you are feeling particularly gassy some evening. Something that keeps noses farther away from bumholes.
As for your other worry, “will he accidentally lick it?” Darling, I would not put this in the category of “something going wrong.” Not at all. He may, indeed, accidentally lick your butt while going down on you. But that, in my opinion, is not something to be afraid of!
In fact, many people quite purposefully lick each other’s bumholes, because many people agree that it feels pretty nice. Who knows, maybe your bf’s desire to 69 actually has something to do with licking bumholes! He may even want you to do it to him! This is definitely an activity that requires washing up beforehand; I suggest a sexy shower in which you soap each other up. Then, when you get down to 69 time, you’ll both know that the other’s bumhole is clean as a whistle.
Do not be afraid! Sex is all about adventure!
xoxo,
Lucy
Life. Love. Lust.
I'm Lucy. I live in Chicago and I like to talk about sex. Give me a topic: I'm happy to answer any questions about love, sex, and relationships. Email me at LucyRockwell@gmail.com Follow @LucyRockwell
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