Talk Dirty To Me

Dear Lucy,
I never know what to say when intimate with my man. I want to break the silence and heat things up, but I always draw a blank. Any advice on how to talk dirty?


Talking dirty is one of those things that is really hard to get started without feeling awkward. But once you get the ball rolling, it will enhance any sexual experience.

I think the easiest way to get into dirty talkin’ with your lover is to start out with the truth: do you like what your bedmate is doing? Does it feel good? Then say so! A simple, “that feels good” is a good place to begin your dirty talking escapades. As things progress, words can easily be added onto the phrase; try, “that feels REALLY good,” or even, “that feels really FUCKING good!” Seriously, it may sound silly when you’re reading these words all alone, but actually hearing them will majorly turn on your partner. Everyone like to know that they’re doing the right things in bed, and a little confirmation can go a long way.

In a similar vein, I am fond of the “OH’s.” Many common words can be made into excellent dirty-talk terms if they are prefixed with “oh.” Begin with some sexy moaning of “oh” all alone, then add, little by little, some of these old favorites: “oh YES,” “oh GOD,” “OH my god,” “oh YEEEAAHH,” “oh FUCK,” “oh (insert name of lover here).” Of course, when you get to that last one, be sure that you know the name of your lover, or it could lead to a sticky situation. And not the good kind of sticky.

When you have mastered the above, you may be ready to move on to specifics. Think to yourself, what is it specifically that is making me feel so good at this moment? Is it your lover’s tongue on your clit? Or his cock in your pussy? Or her biting your neck? Whatever it is, tell your partner exactly what it is and why it’s so great. For instance, “Oh, yeah! I love to feel your tongue on me there! It feels really fucking good!”

You may also want to try dirty talking as a way of instructing your partner. I adhere to the rule that all sex partners should communicate often, and I tell my lovers what I like, and how and where I want it. But there’s no reason to let this stop the flow of things. For instance, “Oh, yeah! I love to feel your tongue on me there! It feels really fucking good! [then continue with] Now put your fingers in me, and slap my ass a little harder… Mm, yeah baby!” A good partner will appreciate the info from you, and hopefully they’ll let you know what they like in a similar manner.

Reciprocation in bed is always important, and you can dirty-talk your way into finding out what your partner likes, as well. Simply ask, “Do you like that, baby?” or “What do you want me to do to you?” And compliment your partner often: “Damn, you look sexy!” or “God, you’re good at that!” These are sweet, encouraging things to hear, and exciting to think about later.

Then there is fantasy talk. Most likely, you aren’t going to be fucking your school nurse, or your uncle, or an officer of the law, or an evil enchantress. But with dirty talking, you and your lovers can become any of these entities, and so much more! Even if you aren’t into full-on role playing, with costumes and the like, just turn down the lights and pretend, for a little while, that your wildest dreams are coming to fruition. Examples? Let’s see… “You failed the test, you bad little girl. Now, if you want to get a better grade, you’ll have to come over here for a private tutoring session…” You’ll have to take it from there.

Your tone of voice is also important to consider. You don’t want to sound like a research scientist, or a bored teenager. Whisper things into your lover’s ear (which also feels sexy; I personally get goosebumps when my ear is whispered into), and put plenty of moaning and gasping in between phrases. If you’re worried about sounding dorky, give yourself some time to perfect your sexy-voice.  Practice moans and phrases when you’re alone in your car or an elevator or the shower. If no one can hear you at first, you’ll feel less self-conscious.

So, I guess the key is to feel comfortable. I highly encourage giggling in bed, but try to avoid laughing outright when your lover says some crazy dirty thing to you. Be open, and daring. And if all else fails, just say “OH” over and over again until something better comes into your head.

Xoxo, Lucy

What do YOU like to hear or say in bed?

28 June 16 Permalink

Trojan Girl Forever

The results are in! In response to my question about condom preferences, absolutely everyone said Trojans are the best. 

(see this post: http://gettingdowninchitown.tumblr.com/post/696050012/break-on-through-to-the-other-side-my-ranting)

One reader even put this question to a scientific test:

“trojans are absolutely best cause i know how you feel. I’ve had to take the pill after lifestyle broke on me and my bf. then after this situation we had a lil test my bf but his fist into a lifestyle condom and it definitely tore after he put up to his wrist in it, with a trojan he got all of his fist and forearm up to his elbow into it. And the trojan didn’t even break until he opened up his fist and had to put effort in shoving his fingers through.”

Can’t deny what the general public believes. Lifestyles and Durex might as well just go out of business. So be safe out there, my Trojan Warriors, and always wear a shield.

xoxo, Lucy

22 June 15 Permalink

 California Knows How to Party

My three-week West Coast summer adventure started yesterday, and already things are poppin’off (that’s Bay Area talk for “getting craaazy!”). Last night was a party with hella my friends, and my ex and his girlfriend were gracious enough to not attend. I say this without sarcasm; a couple days ago I talked to him for the first time in approximately 6 months, and he told me he wasn’t planning to go to the party. I said “oh, good.” I didn’t really mean for that to pop out of my mouth, but he didn’t sound offended. Rather, he let me have the company of our mutual friends for the short time I’m here, which I thought was pretty decent of him.

I recently realized that I am successfully over this guy, and it’s a goddamn good feeling. It took quite awhile to get to this place, and sometimes I thought I’d never fully be over it. But I’m happy to say that, with time and patience, even the most difficult break ups or separations can become not so painful. Although, I have found that it really helps to not speak to the ex for a good while to truly get used to not having them in your life. Like I said, it had been over 6 months since I’d spoken to Will, but with another ex, Jeff, it took 4 or 5 years til we were truly able to converse comfortably! And now, Will and I feel decent about things, and he’s giving me the friends for the week, and I’m actually going to visit Jeff on this trip. So, it just goes to show ya that time heals all wounds, or something sappy and inspirational like that.

On to the fun stuff: the party was pretty out of control (tequila punch, anyone?), but luckily the aftermath was only as bad as a mild hangover. I got to kick it with a whole bunch of my Cali dude friends. One of these guys I hooked up with many times in the past, and I hadn’t seen him in years. Great guy, but somewhat regrettable as a sex partner. Let’s just say, his reputation as a playa is pretty bad, also he has a girlfriend, also he’s the only guy I’ve ever been with that shaves his pubes (which I did not find attractive). It was pretty clear that he was very happy to see me, and I knew we’d be crashing at the same place last night. It seemed inevitable that he’d try to get me in bed, and indeed he did try. I’m proud to say that I successfully refused his advances.

Instead, I ended up in the bed of another friend, an awesome guy that I’d never hooked up with before, despite having a little crush on him for years. We drunkenly messed around until the sun started to come up, then fell into a very comfortable sleep. I’d agreed to get up early to go hiking, and I majorly regretted having to get out of bed. I feel like sometimes sleeping with friends is a terrible idea, but at other times it can be great to get down with someone you already know and like. We live in different cities, so we both know that nothing weird or complicated can happen, and we’re friends so I know we’ll see each other again. It was a lovely end to the evening.

So, I started this trip out with a bang. Tomorrow I’m off to travel north with Sophie; with that girl, I’m sure more wild times are ahead.

 

Xoxo,

Lucy

21 June 3 Permalink

“Sex is like washing your face - just something you do because you have to.”

-Sophia Loren

(I like to think this means you have to have sex because you can’t resist, not because it’s a boring obligation! xoxo, Lucy)

16 June 14 Permalink

Break On Through to the Other Side

My ranting about condoms is apparently unending. So here it is: another story about condoms and my love/hate relationship with them.

So, sex with my latest flame, James, is fucking fantastic. We’ve been dating for a few weeks now, and I am very pleased about the way things are going in bed. We seem to have the same ideas about what we want sexually, and what we want to give each other, and how often (lots!).

James and I both have fairly extensive condom stashes, the contents of which were acquired for free from various sources. There’s never been any discussion about whether or not to use them; we’ve just been usin’ em. Lots of ‘em. All different brands and colors and textures. And then: a minor disaster. We were banging doggystyle, and things were feeling really great. James finished and pulled out, only to discover, to our dismay, that the rubber had broken! No wonder it felt so damn good! Ugh.

I’m not on birth control at this time, so I picked up a pack of Plan B the next day. For those of you who may not know, Plan B is known by other such monikers as Emergency Contraception, the 72-Hour Pill, and the Morning After Pill. This contraceptive measure is 1 or 2 pills of high-ass doses of progestin, estrogen, or both (the same hormones found in other forms of hormonal birth control, like the pill, patch, shot, or ring). A lady who is not already on birth control, and who is concerned that she may be accidentally knocked up (usually from condom breakage or dumb drunk sex), has up to 72 hours from the time of the “accident” to take these pills in order to prevent pregnancy.

There are good and bad things about the Morning After Pill. On the whole, I am very grateful that it exists. Even so, I wish I didn’t have to take it. It’s kind of expensive, and the hormones make you a little cray-cray. The day after I popped the pills, I felt pretty out of it, tired and a little light-headed. But it was super easy to get the pills; they’re available without a prescription at any pharmacy. No doctors, no waiting.

I was pleased by the ease of obtaining the pills. When I was in college, I had to pick up the Morning After a couple times from the school health clinic. Each time they’d have you come behind the counter and sit in this chair behind a wall divider. The pharmacist would give every unfortunate young lady a little talk about how the pills worked, and ask the girl questions about what happened to make them end up in this situation. I believe this was intended as a method of sexual education for these burgeoning sexual beings, but I rather felt like I had to sit in the chair of shame. Yeah, I knew I fucked up when I got a dude’s jizz all up in my business. Give me the damn pills and let me go back to my dorm room!

But, now I am older and more responsible. I shelled over $46 (as a girlfriend reminded me: a lot cheaper than a $400 abortion, or 18 years of supporting a kid!). James was a totally sweet and responsible male sexual partner, and he offered to pay for half before I even went to the pharmacy.

GUYS: this is the right thing to do- always! If you are sleeping with a girl regularly, you should pay for half the birth control, no matter what kind! I mean it: condoms, pills, IUD procedure, abortion. For real. It takes your sperm plus her egg to make the baby. Be a man and take half the responsibility.  

Anyway, I took the pills and felt a little weird, but now I feel fine. James and I agreed to never use Durex condoms again (the culprit in this whole debacle). Then, last night we were doing it again, in the same position, and another condom broke! FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Luckily, James realized this before he came, so I didn’t have to go through all the pill BS again. But this time it was a Lifestyles brand condom. This leaves us with very little trust in the condom industry- these are 2 of the 3 major brands!

James made the assertion that perhaps his dick is more evolved than others, and his genes are selecting to make him bust through rubbers. I thought maybe I had destructive vagina lube that breaks down latex. Either way, we have vowed to stick with Trojans until the end of time. Or until I decide on another method of birth control, but that is a discussion for another day.

Be safe,

Lucy

Favorite condom brands, y’all?

13 June 29 Permalink

Take It Outside

I’m about to spend the rest of the week camping, and I’m really excited to get out into the great outdoors for the first time this season. Sure, I adore this metropolis with all my heart, and I have to give a nod to the city planners that gave Chicago all the fantastic green space for biking, picnicking, sports, and such. However, the sad truth is that there isn’t any REAL nature in Chicago. You can’t just pitch a tent and get away from the city noise, unless you want to be nabbed for vagrancy. So, when the weather is good enough, I try to get out of town as much as possible.

Sex outside is super fun, too. I’ve been sneaking out to bang in crazy outdoor locations since I first became a sexual being. I think I’ve messed around in nearly every state of the nation, thanks to multiple cross-country road trips with various boyfriends. From parks to forests, there’s something so appealing about getting naked in nature.

Tent sex is great too. You have privacy, in that no one can see you from the outside, but you can still feel the cool mountain air and hear the wind rushing through the trees. Bear in mind, though: tents do nothing as sound barriers. If you’re camped around other people that you don’t want to piss off, you have to be doubly conscious of the sounds of your lovemaking. Sound travels both ways too (duh), and let me tell you, there is nothing like the terrifying sounds of elk in the distance of the New Mexico desert to kill the mood. That shit sounds like monsters, for real.

I’m also a big fan of sexy time in water. As I’ve said before, boobs float, which is always a delight. A person also feels lighter in water, so you can try positions that aren’t as possible with all that pesky gravity that normally affects your body. Sex can be tricky in water because water kinda washes away a woman’s natural lube, so it may not be possible to have actual intercourse for very long. But a swim in a lake or river can be a great place to get your foreplay on, what with the wet bodies and hard nipples and whatnot. I’m partial to hot springs lovin’ myself; if you’re anywhere near a hot springs, that is one of the most fun places to mess around. Just don’t jizz in the water; I used to be a hot springs caretaker, and cleaning the springs out could get real nasty.

Yeah, speaking of, if you do plan to enjoy the outdoors this summer, remember to bring some sort of trash bag with you. No one wants to find a used condom or wrapper lying on the ground when they’re having their own romp in the woods. Ew.

Otherwise, get out there and enjoy the playground that is this beautiful planet! Try sex in a tree! Or a cornfield! Or the rain! And report back- I’d love to hear about your outdoor adventures.

Xoxo, Lucy

6 June 15 Permalink

“Don’t take your toys inside just because it’s raining.”

-Cher

(I had crazy good sex during the thunderstorm last night. Sex in the rain is hot!)

xoxo, Lucy

2 June 16 Permalink

I’ll Have The Special

Dear Lucy,

My boyfriend is moving to Texas this summer & I was wondering what I could do to make our last time special… ?

I’ve had “last times” with a quite a few people, and I’ve learned that it’s important to not put too much pressure on yourself to make it super special. When your lover is leaving (or if you are leaving your lover), it’s hard not to think about the future. If you don’t have plans to see them again for months, or forever, it’s really easy for the What Ifs to take over your thoughts: “What if I never feel this way again? What if I never see her naked again? What if we fuck this up and our last time doesn’t feel good enough? What if I say/do the wrong thing?”

It’s hard (and sounds sappy as hell), but my suggestion is to try to let your last weeks with your boyfriend be special all the time. Don’t think of the things you do together as the “last” things you’ll ever do, think of them as these great things you both like that you want to experience together for as long as you can. And maybe you will do them again, and maybe they’ll just be sweet memories while you begin a relationship with a new guy a few months down the road.

That said, there’s nothing wrong with making sex even specialer than usual. You may want to consider setting up a particularly special date night the weekend before your last night. I say this because your actual last time having sex before he leaves could be really emotional. If you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into a spectacular sex event, and he can’t get it up cause he’s bawling like a baby, then you could both end up feeling worse. So perhaps do the superspecial stuff a few days earlier so you’ll have a chance to try again if it doesn’t all work out as planned.

Lingerie is always a good thing to boost the specialness of an evening. There’s the tried-and-true gift method: Give your boyf a wrapped gift of a new set of sexy undies, bra, garter belt, stockings, or whatever you choose. Then tell him that’s what you’ll be wearing all night under your clothes, and he can imagine stripping it off you later.

If your funds are low, forget the lingerie altogether. Just put on a skirt or dress without any underwear whatsoever, and flash him right before you walk out the door. He’ll get all worked up knowing you’re going commando all night. Maybe you can get a corner booth at a restaurant, and his fingers can do a little elicit exploring to make you both excited for more later…

When you get back home, make the night about favorites. This is not the time to try out that one crazy kinky thing he’s been begging you to do. If you hate it, it’s not going to leave either of you with a good taste in your mouth (perhaps literally). So set up your sexual experience with everything you know he is guaranteed to love: put on his favorite music and do a little striptease, or play a movie that you know will get him in the mood, or bake his favorite cake wearing only an apron.

In bed, keep on the favorites train. If he really digs blowjobs, keep at the oral for a little longer than usual. Perform the positions you know he likes the most, and give him a good view of your body so he can make a mental snapshot for later use. Most of all, stay focused on the passion. Don’t let your mind wander to next week when you may not have the opportunity to do these things again. Instead, think about how dang good it feels right at that moment. And tell him that it feels good, too.

Best wishes,

Xoxo, Lucy

1 June 5 Permalink

Sex is Like Math

You subtract the clothes

Add the bed

Divide the legs

Then multiply!

27 May 48 Permalink