Mr. Big Stuff: You ARE Gonna Get My Love

Dear Lucy,
My current boyfriend and I have finally decided to do the nasty. But there’s a bit of a problem, he is too big (is that even possible?), and it tends to be painful when he puts it in. Is this my fault? Am I too shallow?

Hey Lucy,
I’ve been dying to get an answer for this for awhile, since it’s killing me (almost literally). I’m rather small, and my boyfriend is huge. It’s almost physically impossible for us to have sex without it hurting. Any ideas for the best positions?

I have no idea if these questions are from the same person, but if so, I apologize for not answering sooner. I‘d feel horrible if you actually died from too much cock!

Many questions I receive ask about physical issues (like best positions for certain types of sex), coupled with emotional and confidence issues. If you haven’t noticed by now, I try to tackle both of these topics equally, because I’m not just trying to encourage fun, safe, physical satisfaction, my darlings. I hope my writings will also go on to inspire a crew of sex-positive, confident, educated, fair-minded women and men who know what they want, and how to get it.

OK, I couldn’t help but grimace at the first reader’s questions: “Is this my fault? Am I too shallow?” Dear girl, how could this possibly be anyone’s fault? You and your boyfriend have human bodies that are simply built the way they’re built. If you’re new to sex (which I am kind of inferring from the way you worded your question), your vagina just doesn’t have the experience of having something shoved into it repeatedly yet. And maybe your boyf doesn’t yet know how to use his dick properly, in a way that won’t hurt you.

Your vag isn’t “too small.” His penis isn’t “too big.” Sure, your lady and man parts, respectively, may be smaller or larger than the national average, but you can still learn to use them together successfully. So get off your guilt complex and buy some nice lube, and invite your jolly giant into the bedroom for a little bit of this:

FOREPLAY. Have I stressed this enough in my life? No, I can never stress it enough. Foreplay is what is going to help your cootch get ready for that monster cock. As you may have noticed, when a man is sexually aroused, there is a very obvious physical response: his penis gets erect. A woman also has a physical response to arousal: her vagina gets more sensitive, it literally opens up more, and her natural juices flow, lubricated her vaginal canal. This doesn’t just happen for no reason- the gal’s physical changes down there are intended to pave the way for the entrance of a penis into her love canal.

You’re probably super nervous about the dicking-down your boyfriend wants to give you. We’ll assume you’re majorly into each other, and you love making out and everything, maybe you’ve even mastered a killer blow job. But you won’t be able to relax if you’re worried about the possibility of pain every time you’re about to have sexual intercourse. If you’re scared or nervous, you won’t be able to let go enough for your body to get all sexed-up and ready for dick. So that’s the first step: relllaaaaxxx.

Then, if your boy wants to ever get inside you, he better be prepared for some major cunnilingus time. When he goes down on you, it will arouse you, relax you, and add some more wetness to the area. If he brings you to an orgasm (which, if you ask me, he’d better) your vag will be even more ready for a visit from his ambassador of love.

If, for some reason, cunnilingus is not working out, masturbate for a good while, have him finger you, play with a vibrator, tweak your nips, and anything else that you know you really like. Then, when you’re good and ready (and I’m talking READY, people, like mucho foreplay. Like at least ½ hour. If not more. And not like 5 minutes.), it may be time to try a little more.

Your canal itself may still be pretty tight (especially if you are new to sex, or haven‘t had it for a while), but lube and foreplay should help loosen you up a bit. In my experience, pain from sex comes mostly from something hitting your cervix. Your cervix is located at the back of your vaginal canal, so a deep thrusting from a big dick will almost inevitably hit this sensitive part of you. So you’ll want to try positions that won’t allow his dick in that far.

Girl-on-top sex may be the way to begin. Have your man lie still, and you be the one to put his dick into you, as carefully and slowly as you want. You can control the depth and frequency of the thrusts, and get your pussy used to having that pole all up in it. I find that being on top of guy with a big dick is actually my most sensitive position, however, and I can’t always get a whole lot of cock in me without it bumping my cervix. But it’s good for the you-in-control aspect.

Still on top, try turning around into reverse-cowgirl. And then, try lying down. Like with your back against his chest, and his cock up between your legs. This position allows him to hold your body, and move you up and down on his dick, but the extra friction from your thighs can still rub the rest of the shaft that’s not in your vag. Feel free to pour lube all over your business, including your thighs.

Guy-on-top sex can put it in pretty deep, but there are still ways to do it. Traditionally, the girl spreads her legs, and the guy keeps his together. Try reversing this, keeping your legs, and thus your vag, more closed so his dick doesn’t go in as far. And don’t throw your legs up over his shoulders- that’s a clear path to cervix-bumping.

Most of all, don’t lose heart. If something doesn’t feel good, take a little break to kiss and cuddle, then pour on more lube and try something else. Get comfortable and practice, and don’t give up for good. I’m here to say: it will get better. As your bodies get used to each other, you will be able to take more and more of his penis inside you. When I was dating Will and his enormous cock, we often spent weeks or months apart. When we came back together, it was usually difficult for him to fuck me as hard as he had been before I left. So for a few days we’d have more gentle lovin, and soon enough my vag would be accommodating to him once more.

Let me know how it goes!

Xoxo, Lucy

P.S. I know the picture is startling, but why should all my pin-ups be girls? That awesome member, and the muscular man attached, are done by Tom of Finland. His art is pretty great, look him up.

22 July 18 Permalink

You’re a boss.

I just wanted to tell you that I love your blog. You seem like such a strong and independent women. I love that you don’t confine yourself to how society thinks women should be. Very inspiring =)

Thank you so much! That really means a lot to me. I started this blog because I was getting really frustrated with the misinformation that so many people receive about sex, and the resulting self-confidence issues that people have in the bedroom.

After talking one too many friends through some of the basics (“No, my dear, just because you come quickly doesn’t mean you produce less semen. And, girlfriend, you deserve to have an orgasm, too. And, yes, all guys love anal.”), I thought that perhaps my contribution to the world should be to get my advice and feelings about sex out there to more people, even strangers.

I’m delighted that people are reading, and asking questions, and responding to the things I write. I don’t claim to be an expert, I’m just a girl with a lot of experience and a lot of things to say. About sex. Cause, really, that’s everyone’s favorite subject- admit it!

xoxo, Lucy

P.S. I’m lot afraid of a lot of things, but one of my greatest fears is… sharks. For real. If I can successfully help y’all conquer your sexual hang ups, perhaps I can one day be like that fantasy version of me in the picture above!

20 July 7 Permalink

Don’t Try to Cheat On Your Girlfriend With Me

I know, I’m usually all about the clever titles. But I want my message to be clear. The above picture inspired me to write the following on the subject…

Sometimes guys are such dogs. Recently I had the experience of two different guys trying to cheat on their girlfriends with me. One was a serious ex-boyfriend of mine, and the other was just a dude I used to fuck (coincidentally, the three of us had quite a few threesomes, back in the day). I saw both of these men on different occasions, and in both situations, things went well at first. They were sweet and friendly, and I didn’t feel awkward, despite our sordid histories.

I knew that both of these guys have girlfriends. Needless to say, neither girlfriend was present. The ex-lover didn’t actually mention his lady at all, but other friends had told me about her. The ex-boyfriend definitely talked about his lady with me, telling me about their happy relationship. I was feeling pretty proud of myself for not having jealousy or sadness about her, too.

Then, in their own distinct ways, both of these dudes tried to get me to mess around with them. Ex-lover was wasted at the time, not that that is an excuse. So was I, which impaired my judgment enough to flirt with the guy a bit during a party. But I never planned to let it get farther than that, and thankfully I was lucid enough to resist his not-so-subtle advances (this is the guy who literally tried to pull me into a vacant bedroom after the party).

The ex-boyfriend struggled with his feelings for me, I know he did. And so did I. Yeah, it felt good in some ways to know that he’s still majorly attracted to me. But I have worked WAY too hard on getting over this guy to just throw it all away on one sunny, silly afternoon. We had coffee and talked and walked around the park. There were some of those classic looking-at-each-other-while-silently-battling-the-feelings-inside moments. He told me that my blowjobs are better than his current gf’s (which, again, I was kinda glad to hear, but he probably shouldn’t have told me). Then he asked me to give him one, right then and there.

“Uh, aren’t you and your girlfriend monogamous?” I asked

“Well, yeah,” he replied. “But it’s YOU!”

“You really don’t want to do this,” I said, taking the mother-fucking high road, hard as it was.

A couple other similar exchanges occurred during our afternoon together, and I am, again, super grateful that we don’t live in the same city anymore. That would only mean drama, accidents, hurt feelings galore.

So, I’m not saying all this to brag about my out-of-control sex appeal. I’m genuinely pissed, actually. Sure, I’ve done some dumb things in the past, hooking up with people who have a partner back home that would not be pleased. But I’ve come to a place where I don’t think it’s worth it to risk those friendships with the men, and risk having the wrath of a spurned girlfriend come down on me later.

I have enough trouble as it is with my platonic guy-friends with whom I have no sexual chemistry; their girlfriends rarely like me, or feel comfortable with my friendships with their men. It’s really frustrating. I’m not about to piss off the girlfriend of a guy that I actually do have chemistry with. I’m growing up. I’m trying to be an ethical slut.

Rod, my best guy friend, is friends with both of these promiscuous gentlemen I recently re-encountered. Rod and I are currently going through the other type of situation I just mentioned, wherein his lady feels weird about our friendship, even though he and I have no sexiness going on between us. So I was a little nervous to tell him about the incidents with each of the dudes who tried to mack on me, worried he’d see it as my fault for some reason. But he was totally pissed at the guys, too.

As Rod said, “Naw, Lucy, you’re good. You did the right thing, batting exes off left and right! They’re dirty, dirty dogs.”

Thanks, buddy.

Xoxo, Lucy

18 July 6 Permalink

“The guys you date are like peaches: sometimes you go to the grocery store, and you just come home with bad peaches.”

-Last night’s dating advice from my friend Ian. Ain’t it the truth.

xoxo, Lucy

16 July 27 Permalink

Orgasms for Women:  Ride ‘em, Cowgirl!

Dear Lucy,

Vaginal intercourse doesn’t do the same thing fingering does for me, but I know my man likes sex better. How do I get my way without seeming selfish and still giving him what he wants too?

You have no idea how many questions like this I get. And it’s killing me. I want to come to each and every one of your high schools and give a sex talk. And if you’re past high school and you’re still trying to figure out the female orgasm conundrum, I want to come to your house and hit you –and your boyfriend, harder- over the head.

As an orgasms-for-women advocate, I think this subject matter is incredibly important. The answer is not simple, but I hope you will find it helpful and satisfying.

Ladies and gentlemen: not all women can have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Actually, MOST women can’t, like around 75%.  That’s a fucking huge number! So why, oh why, do both men and women continue to believe that gals can always get off in the same manner as dudes? Well, this belief system is a product of social propaganda (I swear I’ll be stepping off the soap box and getting to the juicy stuff in a sec, just bear with me).

In movies, books, porn, stories, etc., women are usually seen having an orgasm from peen-vag penetration, just like men do. These are the images we see, and what many people believe is the only way that orgasms for the ladies work. In real life, some women can indeed get off from intercourse, and many cannot. The reason is simple: the nerve endings that lead to orgasm in a man are located in his penis. Chances are, a lot of direct stimulation of the cock (like during intercourse) will lead to him splooging all over the place.

The nerve endings that bring a woman to the brink are concentrated in the clitoris. This is the little nub at the top of your vagina, ladies. Thus, when a penis is thrusting in and out of your vagina (which is the opening below your clit), the clit may not necessarily be getting touched. For many women, no clit stimulation = no orgasm.

Luckily, there are so many orgasm options for women! Like the reader above says, fingering is one (as in she or her man rubbing her clit and other parts of the vag with his/her fingers). Awesomely, fingering can be combined with other aspects of sex, like intercourse. Try it with the girl on top; it’s easier to get to the clit this way, and then you (the woman) or your partner can be the one to do the fingering. Or switch off the manual labor. I find that clit stimulation at the same time as vag penetration can lead to some mind-staggeringly big O’s.

If your hands are getting tired, bring a vibrator into the action. [Men, if you are feeling threatened by your woman’s plastic buzzing thing, you’re a douchebag. A vibrator cannot hold her, comfort her with words, kiss her, etc. It will never replace you, your cock, your manliness. What it can do is help your lady get off –hard- while you’re giving her all the rest of those amazing things that only a human can provide.] Vibrations on the clit bring many women to orgasm pretty quickly, and if you set it up to touch your clit while fucking, your hands (and your partners’) will be free to explore other areas, like nipples and booties.

Staying in the cowgirl position (girl on top, that is), you can also try rubbing your clit on your man. When he thrusts his dick up into you, open your pussy lips up, and push your clit against his pubic bone. Keep up the consistent motion-of-the-ocean, and your boat could be pulling into the harbor right along with your co-captain’s, if you know what I mean. (I may have gone a bit off the deep end with that analogy.)

Clit stimulash is also possible in other positions. For instance, reaching down there during doggy-style sex is easy for the guy or girl, and you can even give yourself a hand in man-on-top positions too. Or sitting up. Or reverse cowgirl. Or pretty much anything. This could be the solution to your problem, reader: fingering + sex at the same time = orgasms for all!

Of course, this could also not be the solution for you (or the other 75% of the female population in a similar situation). Maybe you really only get off from fingering alone, or from your trusty vibe, or from oral sex. In that case, your problem is more about communication with your partner:

 I am of the mind that both partners (female, male, or any combination) deserve the best sexual experience possible when they are together. Having sex with someone (and sex doesn’t always have to include peen-vag intercourse) is like a contract: you are both agreeing to try your best to enjoy yourself, and to help your lover enjoy their experience as well. I’m not saying the orgasm ration has to be 1:1 at all times, but it will be better for both of you if you both feel satisfied the majority of the time.

In many M/F pairings, it will be easier and faster for the man to get his rocks off, but that doesn’t mean that the sexual experience then comes to a halt, with him rolling over and snoring, and you lying there with blue-balls (ovaries?). OF COURSE your boy-toy “likes sex better;” all that hard work pays off when HE has an orgasm! You are not being selfish by wanting to reach the same end, dear reader, he is.

Let him have his orgasm, and then it’s his responsibility to return the favor to you. This may require experimenting, frustration, and hard work, but you will get there eventually. And if he’s a decent fella, he’ll understand that that is the only decent way to go about having a sexual partnership with you. The best guys I’ve been with have not only given me orgasms in whatever way worked best for me, but they genuinely enjoyed doing so. If your man is grumpy or reluctant to take you to orgasm-town, seriously get him out of your bed and find a man that will be delighted to do it for you.

xoxo, Lucy

More on this subject here:

http://gettingdowninchitown.tumblr.com/post/403333864/orgasming-with-a-partner-myth-debunked-dear

How do you get off, ladies? And how do you get your ladies off, guys?

15 July 35 Permalink

“The great thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.”

-Truman Capote

11 July 39 Permalink

Sexy Book Review

Kushiel’s Dart

By Jacqueline Carey

Strolling through the Mission on a fine San Francisco afternoon last week, I happened upon a sci fi/ fantasy bookstore on Valencia. I couldn’t help but think, “I’m on vacation, it’s summer; time to pick out a trashy read.” I scanned the shelves for something involving journeys in foreign (perhaps mythical) lands, medievalish costumes, drama, intrigue, peasants, possibly dragons. My eyes came to rest on Kushiel’s Dart: a 900-page brick of pulp, its cover adored with a mostly-naked sexy girl done in colored pencil. Perfect.

I purchased the book (for a mere $7.99! ah, fantasy novels) without even reading the synopsis on the back. And, once again, my magnetism toward sexy stuff became apparent. Kushiel’s Dart is about a courtesan in medievalish fictionalized Europe, and the story is full of crazy sexy stuff. Whoo hoo!

So, the main character, Phedre, is growing up in this city where courtesans are trained very seriously in their arts, and prostitution is basically seen as a way of paying tribute to the gods. She wears a lot of fancy clothes, and learns all these cool, fancy things. Then Phedre discovers that she gets off majorly on pain mixed with pleasure. She becomes a highly paid, highly sought after, high-class whore, and her patrons are particularly fond of whipping her. Don’t worry, she digs it. Then she gets framed for some stuff, and gets sold into slavery, and treacherous journeys begin! She bangs kings, Vikings, gypsies, priests, princesses, and all sorts of interesting characters.

Ms. Carey has a pretty vivid imagination, and the story kinda makes you wonder what the writer’s real sex life is like. Basically, she’s either super repressed, and has to live out her darkest fantasies through the characters she writes, or the lady’s got a fully stocked dungeon in her basement. Either way, her writing gets you hooked cause you’re always looking forward to the next sex scene, which get progressively more kinky and crazy and dangerous.

There are several writing devices which bother the shit out of me, however. For instance, this lady has never heard of subtle foreshadowing, and constantly has the narrator saying things like, “But I was not to know how greatly it would matter until much later.” Also, there’s a lot of complicated political conspiracies, involving many characters with somewhat ancient Celtic names, and it’s hard to keep straight who is betraying who. Or to care about any of that stuff, cause really you want to skip ahead to the sexy parts.

There’s two more books in the series, and I’m not gonna lie: I plan to read them also. But I’m giving myself a frivolous reading deadline, they’ve got to be finished before my vacation’s over. And I’ve also got to get on that damn Dragon Tattoo book. But in regards to Kushiel’s Dart, I’d say go for it, if you’re into that type of thing. Don’t expect a ton of literary worth, but it’s fun for sure.

 

Xoxo, Lucy

8 July 7 Permalink

“Sparks in the bedroom, and fires everywhere else.”

-My ex-boyfriend, referring to our ex-relationship. (So true, so true.)

Saw him for the first time in a year today. It went pretty good. We didn’t do anything dirty, which I am very proud of. As a result, however, I’m now trashed off 2 Buck Chuck, which I am less proud of.

xoxo, Lucy

2 July 9 Permalink