Won’t You Take Me To… KINKYTOWN?
(A Series on Kinky Sex by Lucy Rockwell)

Episode 2: Setting the Ground Rules for a Fun, Safe, Kinky Sex Life

Let’s assume that you, the reader, have accepted that you are, to some degree, kinky. If you’re not quite sure what that means, that’s OK! (I wrote about the definition of kink here). Perhaps you just know that you’re ready to venture out of the norm, to add some sprinkles onto your vanilla. In short, it’s time to ACT.

Whether you are with a regular, long-term partner, or you’re meeting up with strangers at rest stops, or anywhere inbetween, it is imperative to set ground rules for your kinky sex life. First, some rules about rules:

The Universal Rules About Rules About Sex:

1. Rules must be decided upon before sex is engaged in.
2. Rules must be agreed upon by all parties involved in the sexy-time.
3. If a rule is broken, sex play stops immediately, and a discussion begins.
4. Rules can be changed, but not in the heat of the moment.

If you and your partner are not willing to abide by the above universal rules, it will not be possible to have a truly safe and healthy kinky relationship and lifestyle. Rules are there to protect you and your partner(s), and to make sure that there are possibilities for growth and development of your relationship. And mostly so that you’re all having super fun times, without worry!

Now that you’ve agreed to the Universal Rules, you and your partner get to make your own! I don’t know exactly what you’re into, so I can’t give you everything, but I sure can give you some ideas…

Ideas for Rules About Communication:
If you know anything about me, you know that I’m constantly harping on my sex-loving fans to communicate more. Almost every difficult sexual situation can be improved upon if folks just talk to each other! So, when you and your lovah (here on referred to as “WE”) enter Kinkytown, set up some guidelines about good old communicash.

-Decide whether or not we will discuss sexy stuff with each other on the internet, phone, text, IM, etc. Can other people see this stuff? What about photos?
-Can we talk about our sex lives with other people? Friends? Coworkers?
-Can we have dirty/sexy talk with other people? Friends, fuck-buddies, strangers?

In the bedroom…
-When and how can I tell you what sexual things I like?
-How should I respond when you tell me what you like?
-Is every night kinky night? Should we mix it up?

Safe words…
-What is our safe word? (You will use this word during sexy time whenever one partner wants to stop whatever is going on. Don’t choose a word like “no” or “stop,” because those words might be fun to role play with!)
-When a safe word is used, what happens? (I highly suggest STOPPING all activoty immediately, and discussing what happened. What was too much/ too weird/ too painful? Do not resume play until you’ve hashed it out comfortably.)

-What if I can’t talk because I have a gag in my mouth? (I suggest having at least one had free to ring a bell, or some sort of noisemaker, that you’ve placed accessibly nearby.)

In public…
-How physical should we get in public?
-What if I’m not into what you’re doing in public?
-What if I want to pull you into some dark corner and have my way with you?
-Can we invent some secretive signals/ code words to communicate secretly about kinky stuff with each other while we’re in public? (Ooh! Fun!)

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Tomorrow: Kinkytown continues with…

Ideas for Rules About BDSM

xoxo,

Lucy

10 April 14 Permalink

Sexting for a New Generation

Lucy, what are your thoughts on sending nude pictures to your boyfriend? I’m seventeen (and, arguably, surrounded by douchey teenage boys) and am very reluctant about sexting with images because I would never want it going viral via said douchey teenage boys.

My thoughts on sexting to teenage boys are: NEVER DO.

Even if he’s your boyfriend and you love him and trust him, you are right in acknowledging that he’s probably surrounded by many (perhaps “douchey”) teenage boys.

Even if he swears he’ll never show your personal photos, there’s more than a slim chance that they could be seen by undesirable viewers. What if he leaves his phone somewhere? Or his buddies hear about the photos and tease him by stealing his phone? Or he uploads the photos to his computer, and someone else has access to his computer? 

The list of “what ifs” goes on, but the result is always the same: you would be the one with the shitty consequences. You are right to be aware of the fact that risky pictures could “go viral.” And this could be really terrible for you some time in the future.

The easy accessibility of people’s personal photos, through sexting and the internet, is still a new phenomenon. We really don’t know how it can, and will, go. More importantly, if you don’t know where the sexy photos of you end up, then you don’t know when those sexy photos of you could resurface. The ethics and laws on these things are still being figured out. But you certainly do not want some regrettable thing from when you were 17 to ruin a job interview 20 years from now, for instance.

I am relieved to hear that you are reluctant to send nude photos of yourself out into the cosmos. That is seriously the right attitude to have - keep it up forever! And if some douchey dude is pressuring you to do it anyway, get him out of your life now. Because those photos can be forever.

xoxo, 

Lucy

12 July 12 Permalink