Alright, virgins of the world, you asked for it:
Lucy Rockwell’s Grand Slam Guide for Rookies
-Deflowerization 101-
Virginity is like your keys: you’re gonna lose it eventually. First off, let me say that I’m not of the belief this is an event that should be saved for your wedding night (surprise, surprise), because experience is what makes sex really good. You owe it to your future life partner to get the skills you need before you meet them. Or maybe you’ll end up with the first person you ever fucked, but at least then if you decide to get married you’ll know if you’re getting off properly.
There’s no definite timeline as to when is the appropriate time to lose your virginity. What is imperative is education and preparation. I tend to think that 15 or 16 is probably a good minimum age to start having sex, because sex involves a lot of things that may be too heavy to think about when you’re young. I’ve never met anyone younger than their mid-teens who was mature enough to deal with the possible consequences of a sex life.
1. CHAT WITH FOLKS
Before you have sex, you’re gonna want to talk to at least two people: a mentor, and a doctor. A mentor can be anyone you trust enough to talk to about the uncomfortable stuff. Maybe it’s your mom or dad, aunt or uncle, older sibling, older friend, school counselor. My mom was super cool and open about talking to me about sex when I was a teenager. For the more embarrassing stuff I turned to my older coworker at Starbucks (yes, I was a teenaged barista), who was super cool, and happened to do a lot of sex education work.
Sure, it’s also good to talk to your peers about sex, but rumors tend to fly between young people with less sex experience, and next thing you know you could be convinced that drinking Mountain Dew reduces sperm count. (It doesn’t, btw.) Find an older someone that you know and trust, who won’t freak, but will support you, when you tell them you’re thinking of having sex for the first time.
2. SEE A DOCTOR
Girls should go see a gyno. If you’re keeping your sex life secret from your parents (which I recognize may be necessary), look up a local Planned Parenthood or women’s clinic. It’s important to have a gynecological exam and talk to your doctor about the physical stuff. You should get started on the HPV shot series too, before you’re 26, because chances are you’ll be exposed to HPV at some point in your life.
And, breaking news! The HPV shot is now available for guys, too! Yay! It would definitely benefit dudes to get a physical before they embark on their sexual journeys as well. Plus, a real live doctor can answer some of those questions that I just don’t know the answer to, not having a dick and all that.
Back to the ladies… Discuss birth control options with your doctor. Many young girls choose to go on the pill, though I prefer the Nuvaring. If you’re not comfortable with the idea of hormones going into your body, you may choose to just use condoms with your boyfriend. And then there’s the IUD, which is becoming more popular among young women. You can also combine condom use with hormonal birth control, and/or spermicide for extra protection from accidental pregnancy.
Oh yeah, accidental pregnancy. Everyone should know that this is a possible result of a man and woman having sex, and if you think “no way is that gonna happen to me,” just look at poor Bristol and Levi. So be as responsible as you can regarding birth control, and both partners should discuss a possible birth control failure. If you’re still in high school or college, chances are that a baby is seriously going to cramp your style. You have options should your sperm and egg happen to meet, so talk about these options with your partner before you do the deed. Would you be willing to raise a child together? Have an abortion? Go through the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption?
I’m not saying you have to make a final decision before you even start banging, just know that there are very real possible consequences from sex. If these things are overwhelming to think about, or you don’t feel comfortable talking about it with your soon-to-be lover, perhaps you should consider waiting another year or two before you go past the point of no return.
3. GET TESTED
Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are also a risk with many sorts of sexual contact (not just intercourse). If one or the other of you is not a virgin, that person should definitely get tested for the whole shebang before they go stealing someone else’s innocence. In fact, it is totally possible to acquire some common STIs before you’ve had any sexual contact, so talk about that stuff with your doc too.
4. RELAX
So let’s say you’re a super mature, thoughtful young person, and you’ve done all the prep work. You’re ready to get in bed with your #1 crush and just do it! And yet, you’re super nervous. Of course you’re nervous! The concept of virginity is constantly all around us; it is discussed, revered, reviled, debated, displayed, written about. In short, virginity is built up to be a big fucking deal, and everyone wants their first time to live up to the hype.
Here’s the thing: sex takes practice. You can’t just walk up to a piano for the first time and plink out a symphony. Such is sex. The first time is most likely going to be confusing and awkward, and it may not even feel good. It’s nearly impossible to guarantee that you or your lover is not going to fuck something up. But you’ll do it again, and again, and probably with other people in the future. You’ll get to know what you like in bed, what feels good, and how to communicate and reciprocate with your bedmates. So, the very first time, don’t be too hard on yourself!
I’m gonna tell you to relax right now: Relax. And you’re going to think “how can I fucking relax, this is terrifying!” And I’m going to let you in on a secret: human bodies have to achieve a certain amount of relaxation to function sexually at all. The results of anxiety in the boudoir can have unsatisfying results for men and women. Guys may have difficulty achieving and/or maintaining an erection, or they could ejaculate prematurely. Freaked out gals may not get turned on enough for their vaginas to get all wet and ready for penile entry. And both sexes could certainly have trouble having anything close to an orgasm if they can’t chill out.
Chances are, the first time you fuck, it isn’t gonna feel that great for the girl. Unless she has experience with dildos or lots of fingering, her vag is going to be pretty tight. And then there’s the cherry popping part of things (which, as much as it sounds like a tasty breakfast treat, is not that fun). Women have a thin membrane deepish in their vagina called the “hymen” (aka “cherry”). Sometimes this skin is broken with a tampon or fingers or a childhood accident, and sometimes it’s still intact the first time a girl has sex. If the latter is the case, then when a penis enters her for the first time, it will push against her hymen and break it. There could be a little blood, but only the first time you do it (bring a towel). And, seriously, the pain will ease after a little while.
5. COMMUNICATE
So, when you’re finally between the sheets and the rubber has been rolled on, take a few deep breaths. Look into your lover’s eyes, and appreciate them and what you are going to do together. And then take it real slow. If anything feels terrible, slow down or stop, and take a few minutes to reposition your selves. And keep breathing.
The mechanics of thrusting could be really awkward the first time you go up to bat, but, again, relax and go slow. The guy may want to take the lead on this, or the girl may want to move around on his dick. Or you might want to both try moving against each other at the same time. Just keep communication open, and tell each other what’s feeling good or not-so-good. Look at your lover’s face occasionally, to see if he/she looks like he/she is doing alright.
If one of two of you is a virgin and the other is not, all these rules still apply. See doctors, get tested, have people to talk to, realize it may be awkward, and communicate. The experienced party should be mature enough to realize that their partner might be scared, and, at the same time, is probably anxious to please. Reassure your inexperienced partner often, telling them that they’re sexy and awesome, and they’re doing just great. Don’t talk about ex-lovers or other sexual experiences, unless asked directly about something. And be willing to slow down or stop if necessary.
WHAT IS SEX, ANYWAY?
And for everyone to ponder, sex can’t always be defined as peen/vag intercourse . Some couples may want to stick with oral, or even just heavy petting, for a good while. And that’s ok. Also, I realize that this guide has so far only discussed traditional penetration, so I wanted to say some things for the non-straight couples, too.
Dudes who are getting into anal sex for the first time can follow the 5 rules in this guide, as well. Like vaginal, anal penetration can be painful the first few times, especially if you have a difficult time relaxing (I will write a whole article about anal sex soon, I swear). Many gay couples choose not to have anal sex at all, due to personal tastes, and also the higher risk rate for STIs.
Girls who like girls have an ongoing debate as to how to define “sex.” Some say that lesbians who have never had a sexual experience involving a penis are still “virgins,” and others vehemently oppose this claim. I think that it’s really up to the couple to decide what sex is to them- maybe cunnilingus, or penetration with toys, or whatevs.
Gay boys and gals have one less worry in regards to their sexual awakenings- pregnancy is not a factor. Health concerns and safety still apply to every sexually active being, however. So I still think you should go to the doctor and get tested, and use protection.
THE AFTERMATH
The morning after I lost my virginity, asked my boyfriend if he was excited. He said he didn’t feel any different; it was just another day. I couldn’t believe it- I felt totally new and changed! I’d been thinking about sex for so long, and then we’d finally done it! But Jeff, though he enjoyed it, said the only thing that was different for him was the way he’d now be perceived by others.
Looking back, I think that both reactions were totally normal and cool. Virginity may be held up as a big-ass deal, but it’s not gonna make or break your life. I surely hope you have a good experience, but it just might not all go the way you planned. It might be quick and boring, it might make you cry, it might make you laugh. The most important thing is to TALK ABOUT IT. If you find yourself reacting to your first time in a way you didn’t expect, tell your partner what yer feeling, and listen to them, too. If you start out your sex life with good communication, it can only benefit you in the long run.
Aw, geez, that’s a lot of info. Well, I hope it helps you, my darlings. Please let me know what you got out of this article, I appreciate knowing if my advice works!
BEST OF LUCK!
Xoxo, Lucy
